1. Police are looking for a man who has been exposing himself in Lake Highlands. Technical question: if he’s wearing only a paper bag over his head, is he a flasher or a streaker? Anyway, I do have a suggestion on how to track him down: get a good stereo and play this. Everyone knows Eric Celeste can’t resist .38 Special.
3. Won’t our crazy billionaires start doing crazy billionaire things again? Making schools better? COME ON, T. Boone. That’s bush league. Where’s your clone army? Digitally inserting yourself into every classic movie? A volcano in downtown Gun Barrel City? Paying everyone to start saying a word you invented? Funding research to invent a better fork? A train/ferry between Dallas/Austin/Houston? Those are just off the top of my head, and I didn’t even have to use my go-to (weather machine). Step your game up, sir.