TV With Laura: The Bachelorette Recap X

Last night, we took a break from questions about Kiptyn’s weird kissing, Ed’s possible medical maladies, international travels, and Jillian’s bad grammar. Ok, Jillian’s bad grammar is always present–even in studio. And that’s where we were, fine friends. It’s the “Men Tell All” episode–a complete waste of two hours wherein the men complain, get indignant about something called the “man code,” and talk about what a wonder Jillian is (without irony). But most of all, it is two hours of trashing Wes, a man who isn’t even there to defend himself. Weirdly enough, I think Chris Harrison is far angrier about Wes’ alleged deception than even Jillian. So, here’s the deal: I’m not going to document this thing hardcore. Let’s save the over-analysis (which causes paralysis, by the way) for next week. Instead, let’s jump to talk about certain people.

Jason and Molly: go home. You’re sad about being ripped to shreds, Molly? It was a bigger backlash than you expected, Jason? I think there are ways around this. Maybe get a proper job. Stop appearing on television. Resist putting your kid on camera in association with this terrible televised franchise. (Seriously, did anyone ever find out what the story is with Ty’s mother?) Never, ever refer to yourself as the M&M team again. But the worst crime in my opinion is when Jason blames his caddish ways on “fate”? A tip, Jason: People might start hating you less if you stop pretending your sh*t makes flowers grow. (Pardon my French.) Bad behavior is bad behavior. Your dumping Melissa on television doesn’t go away simply because she is engaged to another gentleman and has some fashion gig on Good Morning America. (Which is totally weird if you at all remember how Melissa dressed on her season of The Bachelor, yes?)

Also, who is picking up Molly and Jason’s airfare every other weekend as they commute between Washington and Minnesota? Molly says, “It’s been fairly easy.” One has to think that ABC is paying, right? It seems unlikely that www.jasonsplace.com (or whatever it’s called is raking in the dough). Maybe Molly’s job? Anyway, unimportant. I just found it odd.

Let’s talk about Tanner F. for a second, shall we? The guy was on for two or three episodes, tops. He has no business talking. But he talks a lot–about everything from Wes to Juan to Angry Dave. All is forgiven, however, when he calls Jake our for his dramatic crying scene at the Hilton Hotel. Tanner F. calls it “pulling a Mesnick.” Genius. Somewhere backstage, Jason buried his head in Ty’s shoulder and cried some more.

Let’s explore Jake and Jason’s resemblance shall we? There’s more to it than their penchant for leaning over balconies and sobbing for a camera. For example, both of their names begin with the letter “J.” (You’re not going to get this sort of insight from other websites, I assure you.) But their most irritating shared trait is their need to tell you how nice they are. Remember Mrs. Elton from Emma? She would say things like, “…and my friends say, I am not devoid of taste.” But she was! And same with you, Jake! You can tell us all day long that people always talk about how perfect you are, and then hang your head modestly and protest, but we’re on to you. We know you lie. Because no one would mistake you for perfect. Let me help you strive for perfection: Sit up for a second, buddy. (Didn’t it look like he was leaning on the back legs of his chair the entire episode?) Stop swearing. It doesn’t become you–and it doesn’t work for you like it does, say, me. Lose terrible lines such as “What do you say to an angel?” It’s dumb, and more important, it’s wrong. Everyone knows the lyrics to Jamie Walters 1992 hit song are “How do you talk to an angel?” Jeesh. My final piece of advice is this: when a plant in the studio audience asks, “Hey, do you want to be the next Bachelor?” lose the canned laughter and the jibber jabber and the “It would truly be an honor” nonsense. Say what you mean: “Honey, are you new? Everyone says I would be the perfect bachelor.” (Wink.)

Moving on: If you see Tanner P. on the street, run for your lives. The glimpse of his forked tongue gave me nightmares last night. His inflated sense of self-esteem–not to mention an ill-advised high-five with Tanner F. about how awesome the name “Tanner” is–will haunt me for a long time. And I will never forgive Jillian for contributing to the absurdity of all that is Tanner P. by confessing that she is wearing his favorite nail color Mango Mango on her much adored tootsies. How come no one asks about his ill-advised decision to take off his pants and his subsequent refusal to put them on again during a group date?

Before we get to the star of the evening, let’s discuss the fact that Chris promises at some point, “We’re here with the most memorable guys of the season.” That’s a lie. The most important dudes of the season, Reid and Wes, are notably absent. I don’t even know who Mike or Pizza Guy are. (Although it was awesome when Pizza Guy kept nailing Jillian in inappropriate places with a snowball in one of the 1,280 montages shown during the show) Anyway, apparently Reid is unable to attend due to a “previous engagement.” Not sure if this is a deliberate choice of words. But since we already know the dude shows up in the finale, I guess he can’t very well talk about his take on this farce. I will say that we get a never-before-seen glimpse of Reid doing a hula, and it is bad. Very bad. Like, I-think-know-why-Jillian-sent-him-home bad. As for Wes, again, I will say I think it’s pretty weird that so much of the show is devoted to a guy who, rumor has it, was disinvited. Montages, contestants’ takes on him, audience commentary, and weirdo Chris Harris grinding his axe–it just seems like overkill for a lowly minstrel. But that’s just me. He signed up for a game show with an agenda, for God’s sake. He didn’t kill anyone. And I bet every single one of those guys on that stage are looking for representation at this very moment, if they don’t already have it.

Speaking of killers, it’s time for the true star of the evening: Angry Dave. It seems there’s a very good reason for Angry Dave’s insistence that everyone drink hard. His menacing threats to girly man Juan can also be explained. And finally, his pawing of Jillian and subsequent offensive compliments about her nice a** make perfect sense. It’s all part of the man code, people. See, Dave and some of his minions have no choice but to revert back to fraternity days when they’re in a house with more than 2 other dudes. And, see, like Superman, these boys live by an unspoken set of rules. While Superman can’t tolerate kryptonite, the men of Beta Alpha Chi can’t stand dudes who won’t drink or hang out with them.

I have to say, even though I can’t stand her, I feel for Jillian when she confronts Angry Dave for his crap treatment of her. Her voice is shaking. She seems nervous. But she lets him know that he was out of line–and it’s good, right? Because, you know she had to watch that episode with her parents a few weeks ago. And during that scene, her dad threatened to kill Angry Dave. And her mom–horrified–asked her, “Why didn’t you call the police? Or at the very least, have the producers throw him off the boat?” And then Jillian couldn’t find the remote in time to change the channel, so her parents had to watch when Dave remarked that Jillian was putting out the vibe, playing hard-to-get, was saying “yes” with her eyes even though her mouth was saying “no,” or whatever it is men like this tell themselves after she nicely and politely rebuffed him.

I have an idea for Dave: no more dating shows. If you like man codes, groping and disrespecting women, and behaving like a jackass with a posse of like-minded fellas, might I suggest a little program called Bromance? Angry Dave + Brody Jenner: I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

See you next week! Until then, go here to tell me your thoughts on those two hours you will never, ever, ever get back.

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