It’s official: everyone hates Wes. I saw it all over Twitter, so it must be so. Here’s the thing: I can’t hate the Mighty Minstrel. Sure, he’s annoying. He might even be a little dishonest. But last night, he gave us what might be the best line ever used on television: “That bird has no foot.” Try using it when someone frustrates you or when you want to avoid a topic. It’s amazing. I’ve used it probably 100 times since yesterday. People are confused about it–Lord knows, our simple(ton) heroine Jillian was bewildered. More so than usual, even. Jump to find out more about that and the rest of the tomfoolery that went down during last night’s episode.
One wonders if the producers knew right away that they had a dog on their hands. How else to explain Jake’s (non)dramatic rant, Ed’s weird return, Wes’ continued presence when it’s clear he can’t stand her, and the change of locale every episode? It all feels desperate, right? Anyway, this week, we’re in Spain. Jillian is wandering the streets thinking deep thoughts. “I genuinely adore all the guys remaining…I know the adventures we’re about to go on, and it really scares me. Then she proceeds to meander down memory lane (Remember, we have 2 hours to fill). First up: the Kiptyn montage. “I have adored him from the start,” she says. “Him and I had instant chemistry.” [Flashback of the submerged, grocery-filled kayak] “He’s got that six-pack or nine-pack or twelve-pack.”
Next up, flashes of Reid. “My relationship with Reid has definitely moved very, very slow,” she says. Didn’t get this the first time? Don’t worry. She’ll repeat it about 1,000 more times in the next two hours.
I wish the producers could have shown footage of Ed “consulting” and doing IT things, but they didn’t. I suspect that’s because Ed is no longer an “IT consultant” and may now be an “aspiring actor.” But that’s beside the point because we learn that Jillian has not forgiven nor forgotten his foolish decision to leave for, like, three days or whatever it was. “My biggest fear is that I would never be more important to him than his career,” Jillian laments.
Speaking of careers, let’s look back at our merry minstrel, Wes. “Austin about pushed me over the edge,” Jillian remarks. “Wes is far, far from perfect, but there’s something about Wes that I have a connection with…I need to make sure that he wants to be my husband someday.” And somewhere in the distance, we heard the strum, strum, strum of a guitar and a wail of, “It don’t come eeeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssyyyyy.”
Let’s get to the dates, shall we? The dates are in the same order as the daydreams, so Kiptyn is first. Jillian pulls out the Melissa-run-and-leg-wraparound move. She tells Kiptyn how cool his family is, but she’s ready to cut to the chase. She’s a single lady, and she wants to know if he likes it, and if he’s gonna put a ring on it. Unfortunately, he responds like a normal, rational human being, and he’s severely punished for it. After admitting that a proposal is very far off, Kiptyn is forced to attend flamenco lessons. And lest he ever think about saying something that makes sense again, the producers have something even worse in store for him: a recital costume. Specifically, poor Kiptyn is forced to don super tight pants, a red sash, and “a short, little Spanish blazer.” (Some might call it a “bolero,” Jillian.) “I think you should wear this to the next rose ceremony,” Jillian teases. He struggles to laugh–either the pants are way too tight or he’s realizing just how un-funny this woman is. So they dance, and it’s not great. As Kiptyn puts it, “Flamenco and me should never hang out again.” Sigh. And though I feel sad for him, I can’t help but wonder what his tres chic parents would think of that attitude, sir?
After changing clothes, the kids board a “scooter” to head to dinner. Was it me or did that scooter look more like a motorcycle? Anyway, Kiptyn crashes it when he parks, but one assumes that they only went a block or so. They sit down at dinner, and Jillian sets the sexy mood by talking about her child labor days. “When I was 8, I used to babysit the whole neighborhood, so I just always loved kids.” Luckily, a waiter approaches with escargot. (Kiptyn moves slowly, see? Like a snail? He’s inching toward getting married. But Jillian is here for a proposal. People think this show is shallow, but there is more symbolism in this show than anything by Arthur Miller, my friends.) She squeals, and the producers play some weird James Bond-ish caper music while they dare to eat the delicacy.
Then the “shag card” shows up. For the new, it’s an invitation to a “fantasy suite” where the two can consummate their love. Or talk. Anyway, she declines. And on the way back to his room, Kiptyn comments, “Jill and I have come a long way.” That may be so. But they’re not going all the way. At least, not tonight.
Cut to the next day. “I almost get giggly waiting for Reid,” Jillian says in anticipation of their date. “I know that I’m crazy about Reid, and I know that I could picture myself with him, but I want to know if he could picture being with me.” The two-some meet up, and he stabs her in the back of the ear with a flower. And then they’re off to the bakery. Jillian says that they’re going to grab some wine and bread and hang out in the park–so obviously, Reid did better than Kiptyn when it came to the engagement challenge. The couple attempts to speak Spanish poorly. At one point, Reid says, “Say it with a lisp,” when discussing how to speak the language, so they’re openly mocking the Spaniards. The owner of the bakery surely spits on the bread.
Once they get to the park bench, Jillian and Reid talk about the previous date with his family. (“They liked you…I was surprised,” he says.) She goes fishing and asks how he feels, and he goes into jibber-jabber mode. “I realize that I move slow with relationships…I want to be honest, and I don’t want to…I like you a lot. Everything is going better than I imagined…Obviously, I’m attracted to you. You’re friendly. Smart. You smell good…You just rolled your eyes…”
No, Reid. That was me.
Anyway, the shag card shows up. Once again, she declines. He happens to mention that these “weird cards” are showing up, and he wonders if she’s accepting invitations with other people. “Why does that upset you?” she asks. Now, come on. She was on the other side of this competition mere months ago. She knows why this is bothersome. And this is why I don’t like her. But at the end of the day, she tells us, “I think I’m falling in love with Reid.”
Our old friend Ed draws Date No. 3. She opens with, “He told me he had to leave because of his job…He sort of broke my heart. He’s going to have to bring it today.” No pressure, Ed. Now Ed could meet her with a paycheck that features a lot of zeroes, but he goes another route: the empty-handed one. But nevertheless, he’s met with the squeal and a “You look good.” from Jillian. Her shorts are soaking wet on one side, by the way, but okay. They board a horse-drawn carriage and start talking about Ed’s decision to leave the show. They talk about it some more. And some more. The poor drivers are so over it. They beg for a gun, but no one on the crew speaks Spanish. (“Sorry, dudes. We thought we were going to be in L.A. the whole time. Green card stuff…”) Between consulting bon mots, Jillian and Ed make out a whole bunch. And despite the fact that she’s so into him, she lets him know that she’s bummed he’s been gone for so long, and that she didn’t get to meet his family. Ok, he was gone for like a week, and if she had gone to Chicago, he confesses that he would have taken her to karaoke, so I’m thinking win-win, here.
She must agree, because they make out in a fountain.
Let’s move to dinner, shall we? Ed mentions that he needs time to open up and show emotion. And then he opens his mouth for more inappropriate kissing. After wiping her mouth, she beats him down for the tenth time about leaving, so he starts the sales pitch. “You know, you and I would grow,” he says. “Like great couples do. I know enough about you to know that you’re exactly what I’m looking for. …I think we could be together for a long, long time.” And then the kids talk starts. Poor Ed is ready to consummate the relationship at the table–anything to prove that his dumb job isn’t as important as Jillian’s womb.
The shag card arrives and she decides to also punch Ed in the groin and punish him once again for the producer’s decision to send him to Disney World for a week. “I’m scared of not being rational and falling for you…and then you leave me again.” Cut to them entering the fantasy suite. “We’re sleeping in our clothes,” she says to no one in particular. You are a woman of principal and morals, Hot Tub Harris. So, it’s safe to say that she likes Ed. He’s not going anywhere.
Finally, it’s the Wes date. She’s not that excited. He isn’t either, but he puts on a good face: “I’m fired up,” he says. “I had a hit in Chihuahua, Mexico, so I’m really feeling at home.” Spain/Mexico. It’s all the same, right? Their date is a bike ride, and it’s amazing because it appears that neither actually knows how to ride a bike. There are people walking faster than these fools can ride. And neither can actually steer. It’s weird.
But worse than the bike ride is how cold Wes is, right? When they stop at the gazebo for the light snack, things are so weird. His body language says it all, even if his words don’t. While he’s saying, “Jill, I think you’re perfect,” his body is saying, “I will scream if you touch me with your nasty, disgusting hands.” Jillian senses this and decides to force his hand by asking, “Let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, that we decided that you should move to Vancouver for a few years?” Wes all but calls a taxi. He says, “Um…That would be crazy.” He spills a drink. And then he utters the greatest line ever: “That bird has no foot.” Again, I love this line. It makes no sense, but I get it. I once told an ex that I had a broken arm just to change the subject, so for that reason, I forgive Wes all of his transgressions.
Things go from bad to worse at dinner. Maybe she smells Ed on Jillian. Maybe his girlfriend sent him a nasty text. Perhaps he’s just over this whole debacle. Whatever the case, Wes is over it. He makes some dumb slip where he mentions a “girlfriend” when he meant to say “ex.” He says, “Today was a blast.” in the same way you might say, “I just had a colonoscopy.” It’s just awful. And when things are at the lowest, the shag card shows up. He says, “I think we should do it,” with the same conviction you might say, “Palin in 2012.” He all but hugs her when she turns him down.
So, the rose ceremony is upon us, and of course Wes is the odd man out. He knows it even before it all goes down, and he seems fine with it. He tells everyone to have fun and once he gets into the limo, he pours himself a drink, says, “My acting days are over,” and talks about the big night he has planned in Spain. He also says something about being the first guy to ever make it to the top four with a girlfriend, but honestly, I think he was being sort of sarcastic. You know what I loved though? He says something about “How will I ever get through this?” and smiles big.
And, right. He was kind of rude about the other contestants, but I don’t blame him. Reid and Ed, take a word from the wise: That bird has no foot. Translation: Run for your lives.
Let’s do it, party people. Comment here.
