It was the best of times, and it was the worst of times. It was a night when we saw more of Jillian than we should see at a family hour. It was an evening full of forced DTRs and awkward kissing. There were mankinis, bad suits, and leaps of faith. And most importantly, it was last night that we learned that the letters “E” and “D” aren’t merely letters used to spell “Ed.” It can stand for terrible things. Things that shouldn’t make guest appearances on network television–and never on “reality” television. So let’s scratch the whole “best of times,” shall we? It was the worst of the worst times. Let’s recap this mess after the jump.
After being deported from Spain, the gang heads back to Los Estados Unidos–Hawaii, to be exact. Jillian is wandering the beach in a yellow and white bikini. “There’s a lot at stake,” she muses. Cut to a weird montage of her doggy paddling in the ocean, chatting about the possibility of having a finacee, and then drawing a heart with a “J + ?” in the sand. If you had any doubts about why the relationships on this show don’t work, focus on that question mark.
Once again, Kiptyn is first up. “I’m always in awe of that feeling when I see Kiptyn,” Jillian enthuses. She talks about how good looking he is and about how uneasy she is about him since he’s always the dumper, never the dumpee. But she puts aside those feelings when she runs to meet him on a bridge. After the requisite leg wrap, he lets her know that things are good. He’s trying not to think about the other dudes. And then they jump on a golf cart/maintenance-type vehicle. Jillian drives. Slowly. In voiceover, she informs us that she wants to talk to him about her insecurities and some of the things that he wants “to change about himself.” She promises that this day is going to bring about a trust challenge.
I was hoping for trust falls. Instead we get something straight out of the Road Rules Real World Challenge. It’s a ropes course that, frankly, looks a bit treacherous. And it’s also a metaphor. Again. “Kiptyn seems like he’s a perfect catch,” Jillian says. “But I want to make sure that when things get rough that Kiptyn will be there for me.”
The couple completes a bunch of courses. Did you notice the weird 1960s surfer music the producers chose as background music? Anyway, Kiptyn likes what he sees. “Jillian is such a strong girl. She is strong willed…but today she showed a side where she could use someone’s help.” Umm…a little hint, Kiptyn. Jillian asked for ABC’s assistance in helping her find a husband. This is not a woman who is uncomfortable asking for help. But whatever. They’re kissing a whole bunch when Jillian isn’t laughing like a loon. “He was like a baby giraffe learning how to use his legs,” she guffaws while Kiptyn struggles on something called the “tightrope.” She stops laughing briefly when he falls to his death.
No, he’s fine. And worse, he doesn’t mind her laugh. “I like seeing her kind of laugh uncontrollably,” he says. As I ponder that, the duo heads for the last challenge: the Leap of Faith. Basically they have to climb on top of this pole and then jump for a trapeze. Jillian is having trouble with the pole, but Kiptyn coaxes her, and she finally gets on it. “I needed him. I could not get to the top of this pole without him,” she says. (Minds out of gutters, please. There will be time for that later.) Unfortunately, she makes the jump and misses the trapeze, Kiptyn completes the challenge with ease.
Moving on to dinner, Jillian is wearing a onesie. This isn’t particularly important, I just think I should note it because the guhls were divided on this particular sartorial choice. Project beatdown starts as soon as they are seated. “What are your flaws?” she asks. He tries to keep things light and answers, “Dancing.” This doesn’t please her–she wants to know about his “most serious flaw.” Here’s the thing about this conversation: In my experience, when I’ve dated someone fairly seriously, he likes to beat me down incessantly with talk about my most serious flaw(s) (and vice versa). We don’t ask–we know. Because we know one another. But whatever. He confesses that he’s impatient. “I think things should be good…I have low patience for problems with stuff…And I think I’ve had one foot in, one foot out with relationships I’ve had.”
Jillian looks bummed by this news. This is a woman who wants a guarantee, and our boy Kiptyn knows that the Shag Card is going to be delivered soon. So he starts tap dancing. “I think that I know what you want and what you deserve and what I wanted coming into this,” he says. “I know that you’re someone I could spend my life with…” Me thinks Kiptyn is a better dancer than he gives himself credit for. Sure enough, after the card arrives, they make out, head for the room, and close the blinds. Probably to pray.
New day, new man. Jillian is in a meadow filled with portable buildings. She’s holding a beach ball and exposing a little side boob. Reid meets her her and seems a little bewildered by their surroundings. To calm him down, they make out. Suddenly, a helicopter blows in and all is revealed–in that we learn that they aren’t going to lunch in a portable building, and we see that Jillian is wearing a thong. I think the wardrobe departments for Daisy of Love and The Bachelorette were switched this episode. Anyway, as luck would have it, the helicopter pilot is also an ordained minister who performs wedding ceremonies during flights. Question: Who would do this? Answer: Not Reid. He seems mortified by the news.
The couple finally lands, and we learn that Jillian has something special planned for the date. “I think this is a date that I have been dreaming about for so long,” she says. “When I look at him and I imagine him standing at the altar waiting for me…” She said more, but my notes only say, “blood came out of my ear.” She asks him what’s scary to him, and he begins a (perfectly understandable) ramble about not being able to express how he feels. But again, I couldn’t focus because Jillian is wearing something that required the producers to blur her private parts. One of the guhls remarked that perhaps her thong was homemade. And defective.
At dinner, Jillian is wearing a booby dress. All the better to force promises of a proposal. Jillian remarks that Reid is the guy that she can relate to the most. Does anyone remember that she once said that she and Reid have absolutely zero in common? Anyway, she starts the meal by asking what he would do if she demanded he move to Vancouver. It’s a ridiculous question. She has already said on several occasions that she is ready and willing to move, and she confirms that after he stammers for a bit. She follows it up with, “I want to start a family…I just think it would be easier to move.”
Reid tries to combine a sigh of relief with vomit when she pushes him about a possible engagement at the end of this farce. He answers with a strong “maybe.” And then he begins the ramble again. He is uncomfortable with the “L” word apparently. Again, dated this guy. It’s less cute in real life. Obviously, Jillian disagrees because when the Shag Card arrives, she’s all about it. They retreat to the Westin and hop into the hot tub. She’s clearly naked. They make out. And scene.
It’s time, friends. Ed. His date begins with him meeting Jillian while rocking the tank top. Bold choice, right? But she’s digging it. Let’s be honest. She digs Ed. The adult contemporary music in the background says it all. “I could not wait to wrap my legs around him and kiss him,” Jillian says at some point. They board a yacht and are very touchy feely. Despite that, she tries to kick him in the balls by once again reminding him about that time when he left for five minutes for his job and she didn’t get the opportunity to meet his parents. But guess what? Ed has flown his parents to Hawaii to meet her. “It’s the first indication that a guy listens to what is important to me,” Jillian remarks. Suddenly, the results of the Shag Cards seem less than impressive.
So off Jillian and Ed go to meet his parents. They don’t even pause to change clothes. White wine is served all around, and Jillian proceeds to tell the folks all the things she loves about their son. “He’s tall, dark, and handsome, with beautiful eyes. I love his sense of humor…that he’s passionate about his job.” Hold it, sister. This was a source of contention. Anyway, Mom eventually leads Jillian away so that Dad can ask his son the all-important question: “What the hell are we doing here? What’s going on?”
In his love-struck explanation, Ed allows that he didn’t lose his job. This leads me to wonder if it was ever a possibility.
So, after clearing the air with his son, Dad heads outside to talk to Jillian. He taps Mom out of the ring and sits down. Dad obviously invested in some transition lenses because his glasses have turned into sunglasses. You know who also had transition lenses once upon a time? My sister Kathy. You know why they’re not a good idea? Sometimes they don’t transition back so quickly. When we were in elementary school, a lot of people thought Kathy was blind because she was wandering the halls in (bad) sunglasses. Anyway, Dad starts crying about how into this Ed seems to be and because “I just want you to be happy. That’s all.” Our girl Jillian seems uncomfortable, right?
After all that terribleness, Ed and Jillian retire to the beach. He has lady legs and is rocking a glass of white wine, and apparently, that’s just how Jillian likes it. She’s ready for some “cozy, intimate time.” They skip the dinner and head directly for the Shag Suite. The dynamic duo rests in a papasan chair, and before I can determine if they’re in the Pier One suite, Jillian slips into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable. She comes out in a t-shirt reminicent of Jacqueline Bisset’s in The Deep. He’s into it, right? They break out the massage oils, and we’re all left to wonder when the producers are going to take their leave, right? They are massaging pretty deeply…and then…nothing. Jillian is in tears. She says something about them being tired and sunburned. Chemistry isn’t there.
Are you kidding me?
The only thing Ed and Jillian have had going for them has been chemistry. Something obviously went very awry. And we’re left to assume that Ed had some equipment trouble, right?
On to the rose ceremony. All the guys have the opportunity to send her a video message. You want to know how we know that things went terribly awry in that fantasy suite? Only Ed confesses his love and all but proposes.
But if we needed more confirmation, Jillian asks Ed to talk to her before she eliminates anyone. She asks Ed about their “chemistry” problem. Ed, wearing an incredibly bad suit (was it Easter?), tells her, “I’m having a hard time adjusting to everything. But I think there are too many external things that are going on that are going on. If you can trust me, I swear to you: I’m crazy about you.”
She buys it. She send poor Reid home, and I have to say I was shocked. I thought it was Kiptyn’s day for the pink slip. What was sort of interesting was, when she was fake crying about Reid’s departure, Ed comes to comfort her, and you could see Kiptyn glued to his mark. And did you notice, that even when she comes back to the set, Kiptyn stretches to hug her. This guy will not  leave his mark!
Friends, even I am horrified at the producers’ willingness to ruin someone for ratings, and I am a bad person. Here’s my best-case scenario: Jillian marries Ed. Because guess what? Chicago is a great town And there is no way that guy is going to be able to go to a single bar in town without hearing, “Hey Softy!” Whether it’s accurate or not. No matter the case, here’s what Ed should have said when things started heading South: “That bird has no foot.”
Live and learn. See you next week. Comment here.
