TV With Laura: The Bachelorette Finale Recap

Friends, I have no words. Except I do. Too many, probably. I don’t want to get too mean, lest my friend Tanner P. de-friend me on Facebook. But I have some anger about the last episode. There was hula dancing, near-drowning, and bad shoes. Oh. And let’s not forget: there was a bad ring. Let’s jump for the analysis.

We’re still in Hawaii, party people. I guess Jillian’s parents didn’t want to invite the camera crews into the house a second time. Instead, Mom, pretty Sis (or is it cousin? We’ll call her Sis until I know more.) , Dad, and Grandma loaded up the 66 questions and met the gang on the Big Island.

We begin with Jillian in her skinny jeans and signature yellow. Ed is up. He’s chosen to reveal a little decolletage, what with his unbuttoned shirt. (No worries, we’ll later see his signature pieces underneath the street clothes: the creepy tank top and the infamous green trunks.)  He meets her with what appears to be a broom tucked under his arm.

Jillian’s parents are sympathetic to her plight. “I think it’s more difficult for her this time,” her mother remarks.  But Peggy and the family are ready to turn the screws on the would-be suitors. Once again, Ed has to explain his audacity at leaving a game show for a job. “I didn’t want to sacrifice my career to be here,” he says. In the real world: everyone would nod. In the Bach world: everyone is agog at his nonsense.

So, it’s time for Peg to ask 66 questions that include whether Ed desires children and what the formula is for a good relationship. “If you have honesty and love between two people, I don’t know what could go wrong,” he answers. And then it was hard to hear over all the divorced people in the world laughing.

Later, Jillian expresses her worries that if things get tough, Ed might leave again.  Instead of telling her that yes, Ed will likely have to leave again–it’s called a job–her mother tells her that she has a glow about her. But we all know after the last overnight date that our girl Jilly isn’t preggers. Alas.

Meanwhile, Ed is having the talk with Jillian’s dad. He basically asks for permission for her hand. Instead of getting freaked out, this television veteran agrees to not only hand off his daughter, but he also dons a hula outfit (the aforementioned broom) and dances with Ed, Jillian, and pretty Sis. Mom and Grandma choose to sit inside and silently judge.

Now it’s Kiptyn’s turn to wow the family. How much does pretty Sis love this guy? So much. If the producers are smart, they should do a show about these two taking off and eloping in the Philippines, right?

Kiptyn and Jilly meet, and they have chemistry. Despite his bad kissing, this woman can’t keep her hands off of him. It’s very different from the Ed greeting. They finally extract themselves and head for her parents’ suite.

We know automatically that Kiptyn won’t win. Why? Her family loves him. Pretty Sis can’t stop talking about how it’s so awesome that Kiptyn isn’t a workaholic. Mom talks about the fact that, of the two, he is more  like Jillian. Poor Grandma simply says that she’s overwhelmed, but you know she is thinking that she’d like to get her hands on that six pack. And even Dad isn’t totally alarmed that instead of asking for permission to marry Jilly, he says, “I’m getting there.” (Which, by the way, is perfectly acceptable. They are on a game show.)

Now it’s time for Ed to redeem himself from the last overnight date. And, my God. Did the producers ever feel guilty about the whole allusions to E. D. Volcanoes, volcanoes everywhere. But more on that in a second.

Prior to the date, Ed says, “I want to seal the deal with her. Anything that she’s concerned about…tonight’s gotta be a success.” Jillian picks him up and drives the jeep to the ubiquitous chopper. The duo flies over a volcano and there’s all kinds of weird moaning and talk about “what if this thing blows?” Totally weird, right?

They land in a rainforest and sit down to a good old-fashioned steak lunch for a big talk. Ed tells her, “You could be one of my best friends–you could also be the person I spend the rest of my life with.” He also calls her a genius. So much here that should give pause.

But moving on, Ed assures her he will never leave her again and for proof, strips down to the green trunks. I suppose this lets her know that even if he chooses to leave, there’s no place left for him to go. They make out in the water, and one wonders, does Ed know how to swim? Very painful. Later, he asks, “Would you like to come  back  to my place.”

Now, the producers only show us a scene of them kissing. But should you have any doubts about Ed’s ability to perform (which, by the way, we only have thanks to the producers), you can check yourself. After heavy kissing, we cut to a shot of a volcano erupting. I think we all get the point,yes? (Hint: Ed is all man.)

Now it’s time for Kiptyn’slast shot at redemption. When they meet, she’s doing the squeal. She remarks, “I can honestly say that I love him,and I think that he loves me.” They board a speedboat and, after a bumpy ride (foreshadowing), they both get on a surfboard with a picnic basket and head for an island.

“Kiptyn is absolutley the best catch that I have ever met in my life,” Jillian says. And this girl is all over him. They are straddling one another and  kissing–and even though he’s a lousy kisser, it’s much sexier than watching Ed drown/kiss.  I don’t know what Ed thinks about this, but maybe we’ll know more tonight during “After the Final Rose.”

The next day, the boys each “purchase” rings from Neil Lane.  Neither one of them choose the ring that I would want, but fine. Jillian is unconcerned. Instead, she dons the incredibly unflattering dress she has chosen and heads for make-shift bridge over the resort pool.

The first limo shows up, and it’s poor Kiptyn. He’s talking. “I love you. I want to spend this life with you,” he says. And so on. And more. And it’s painful and hard, right? I feel bad about making fun of him for all these weeks.  This seems so unfair. Jillian finally gets the signal from the producers that she can put him out of his misery and tells him that she’s fallen in love with someone else. How awful is his painful sigh? I die a little inside.  He doesn’t push her in the pool. He doesn’t tell her that her dress is terrible. He does say, “You’re an incredible woman, and Ed is a lucky man.”  And then he gets into the limo and says, “Take me to the nearest pawn shop.” Not really. But if this is any consolation, Kiptyn, in my opinion, you won this season. You dodged a bullet.

From the previews, we know this crap is far from over. Reid has to come back for one last kick in the balls. Sure enough, his maroon mini-van pops into view and he disembarks with an untucked shirt and white tennis shoes. (He’s wearing other clothes, but that’s what sticks out in my mind.) He’s there to propose. He claims that he had to pull “like, a million strings” to get back, but one wonders what in the world is going on this season. This is the third person to come back, for God’s sake.

Anyway, dude gets on one knee, and Jillian pretends to be momentarily confused. She takes a moment to think things over. Instead of calling her priest, her mother, or a psychic, she talks to the sage, Chris Harrison, who whips her into shape in 2.2 seconds. This lets us know that the Reid twist is ridiculous. I don’t think she truly considers it for a second.

So, after hours of driving around, Ed is relieved to finally pull up to the resort. One assumes the poor guy first uses the restroom. His next stop: proposal.  Cut to ugly ring. She accepts. Cut to montage.

I know I didn’t get as detailed as I usually do, but I’m kind of grossed out. Believe me, I have no illusions about reality television, but this season seemed overly manipulative and ridiculous. And I have to say, at the end of the day, I can’t get behind any of these jokers. Maybe I’ll feel better during the “After the Rose” episode, but I doubt it. I’m mad. And that’s probably the most absurd sentence I’ve typed all season.

Have a different/better take? Go here and tell me all about it.

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