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Television

TV With Laura: The Bachelorette Recap Episode VII

By Laura Kostelny |

Have you ever tried to break the news to a friend that her special someone is cheating on her? Doesn’t go so well, does it? Unfortunately, our friend Jake has to board a plane from Dallas to Austin, book a room at what appears to be a Holidome or Hyatt (what happened with The Bachelorette discount at the Fairmount?), and learns that lesson the hard way–in a chambray shirt, no less. But we’ll get to all that and more from last night’s dramatic painful episode after the jump.

It’s the “Meet the Parents” episode and Jillian is gearing up for her travels. She says, “It’s overwhelming that I have five guys that I care so much about…One of these guys could potentially be proposing to me in a few weeks. It’s a huge step.”

First up: Philadelphia. Reid is armed with two cups of coffee and singing “Gonna Fly Now” near the Rocky statue when Jillian approaches. The date begins rather awkwardly–they sit and have a kind of uncomfortable chat and decide to hit the bricks. They take a tour of a condo in Liberty Place–one of his listings apparently. He holds off on the hard sell, leaving that for his boss–which is apparently Mom. But Mom’s focus is less on escrow than engagement today. Reid mentions, “My mom calls me every couple of days, wondering who I’m dating…Now that I’m turning 30 in a few days, she can get a little crazy.” She seconds that. “Now that Reid is approaching 30, we would like to see him settle down, ” she says.

Mom and Dad could use a little help with staging the house. I couldn’t stop staring at the empty snifter on the coffee table.

Anyway, Mom cops to the fact that Reid has been hurt in the past, and “I think he’s afraid to open up.” The brothers chime in that Reid doesn’t have any problems finding women, “they kind of just go away.” No one seems alarmed by any of this, so I’m assuming these ladies don’t disappear in a “missing persons” kind of way. Everyone in the family agrees that Reid is too much into getting approval. His dad says, “Sometimes, I wish he would just make the decisions on his own…he seems to always ask ‘what do you guys think?'” So all that’s normal-ish. And then grandma shows up and somehow all of this family time brings out the amorous side of Jillian and Reid–they start making out, and the entire family looks horrified. “We aren’t used to seeing you this affectionate with [pause] people,” someone says. Sweet Mary. Who makes out in front of his grandma?

Next stop: Astoria, New York, for Breakdancing Mike’s family. He is psyched. “Not only do I get to see my family today, I get to see my lady,” he says. Guess who has a twin? Breakdancing Mike. He begins jumping uncontrollably when he sees him. Also in the house: Mom and Dad. But sister is out of the country, or is she? Anyway, the doorbell rings, and Mike begins jumping again. He tries to lift Jillian and succeeds in getting maybe a leg off the ground for 1.2 seconds. Once she extricates herself and meets everyone, mom asks the question we all want to know: “How has Mike been getting roses?” Jillian goes into her list of non-negotiables, which includes “someone who makes me laugh.” Mom says, “Well, there’s a big difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone, Jillian.” No. But you just know she was thinking it. Instead she asks Jillian for some assistance in the kitchen.

This gives Michael and Twin the chance to put their nefarious plan into action. They are going to switch clothing and trick Jillian into revealing something she might not otherwise reveal. Remember when Brad Womack attempted this? Do you recall why it didn’t work? Right. Michael and Twin resemble one another a touch more than Brad and Chad. But not much. Jillian sees through the charade right away. “Can you guys please change back?” she begs.

After some talk about how incredible Jillian is and how ready young Michael is to marry, the family sits down for supper. Did anyone notice the picture frame sitting by the bread basket? One assumes that it’s a picture of the absent sister. As if on cue, the doorbell rings, and a woman bounds in saying, “G’day mate!” Amazingly, the wayward daughter has returned from Australia just in time for her closeup.

And then the dancing starts. You heard me. Dad and Mom swing dance. Brother and sister join the jamboree. And then it’s Jillian and Michael’s turn. “Am I nuts or does that girl just fit right into this family?” Michael asks. After boogying down, Jillian leaves with a doggy bag–I guess with the arrival of sis and the onset of the “Benny Goodman Hour,” there just wasn’t time enough to eat.

Up to this point, the show is moving pretty fast, right? So, I’m worried. The producers keep teasing the Jake/Wes blow-up, so I’m concerned that we’re going to have to sit through a real-time flight from Dallas to Austin, complete with stream of consciousness from Jake: “She’s a great girl. She deserves better than this. I hate that I have to do this. Why did the producers make me wear my uniform? These shoes hurt. I can’t get that darn song Wes wrote for Jillian out of my mind. Oh good! Peanuts.” You know the producers would totally do that to us, right? They are not our friends.

But we can’t worry about that possibility now because it’s time to hop over to Encinitas, CA, for Kiptyn’s house. As soon as she sees him, Jillian delivers that terrible Deliverance squeal. “There’s something about Kiptyn where I can be myself…and I’m still crazy about him,” she says. He informs her that he has 2 dads, and before we can get excited about that, he explains, “You’re going to meet my step-dad today.” They both crane their necks in that way that they do and kiss, and I scream.

It’s off to the house to meet Mom, Step-dad, sister Davia, brother Brice, and Brice’s girlfriend Nancy. The house is filled with very large furniture–out-of-scale furniture. Why is this important? Well, it seems that Mr. and Mrs. Kiptyn are a tad pretentious, and that brings out the worst in me. Nevermind the whole yellow “caution” tape around the hot tub. Let’s talk about the lasagna test. Mr. Kiptyn asks Jillian to try two pieces of lasagna “and tell us which is the best.” Additionally, they want her to sample two different wines and determine a winner. Luckily, Jillian passes because Step-dad says, “This could have been a very short meeting.” He goes on to tell her that this is a very Continental family. “We both speak French,” he says. Jillian remarks, “Kiptyn’s family is very educated and refined…they speak many languages.” Technically, we know of two, but fine.

The family sits down for that famed French fare: more lasagna! Davia advises Kiptyn to knock Jillian up. Seriously. And then it’s time for Mom to cross examine Jillian. She wants Jillian to know that she doesn’t believe in the whole “Stand by Your Man” thing (or “reste avec ton gars” as Mr. and Mrs. Kiptyn might say) and says that people shouldn’t have to work to be happy. It’s all so taxing on Jillian’s brain, there’s only one thing left to do: don a bathing suit, cut the “caution” tape, and get in the hot tub with her mon petit chou-chou. The couple makes out while his parents watch. “You’re like one of the family,” Kiptyn tells her. Listen, I come from a WASP-y family that disdains emotion (and hot tubs), but seriously? Do people really French (I’m sorry, I’m really stuck on this French thing. It’s too good.) and hot tub with their families? Quelle horreur.

No time to ponder that because now it’s time to hit Jesse’s family vineyard. Is it me, or is Jesse’s missing tooth more prominent in this episode than ever before? I think it’s foreshadowing, friends. Anyway, the duo rides around on a tractor and talks about the state of their relationship. It’s metaphorical, see? The tractor moves at slow speeds, and so, too, does Jesse. “It usually takes me a long time to figure things out,” Jesse says. “We don’t have a long time!!!!” Jillian screams hysterically.

So, I think Jesse wins for the most frightening family member, don’t you? I mean the Kiptyns were pretentious, but Jesse’s brother Jacob is unkempt, slovenly, and can barely contain his jealousy. “I’m concentrating on my business,” Jacob explains to no one in particular about why he’s single. “You guys are expensive. Generally speaking.” Yes. Right. That’s why you’re single, Jacob. Later, after stealing away with Jillian, Jacob cuts to the chase: “Have you guys been naked together?” Jillian stammers, “No, no. It doesn’t get like that. Not yet.” Jacob nods and then asks if he can touch her breast. Alright, he doesn’t actually say it. Instead he tells her that “Jesse is an emotional ice cube at times…I haven’t seen anyone yet who has been able to crack his shell.” Thanks, bro.

And then suddenly, the Jesses turn into the Partridge family. No joke. Dad is shaking a tambourine, Jacob is playing the guitar, and Jesse is on drums. (Well, until he loses control of a drum stick and hits Jacob in his big, fat head. Emotional ice cube, indeed.) Mom is full of the Holy Spirit or just took some X because girlfriend is dancing like a nut. Jillian grabs the tambourine and joins the crew. Later Jesse tells her, “Every time I see you, I want to take a step forward.” They kiss, and Jillian sticks her tongue where that darn tooth should be.

After spending time with all these amateur performers, it’s time for Jillian to spend some time with Mr. Big Time in Austin. Did you know that Wes’ band has a CD coming out? They do. Anyway, Jillian loves this fool more than any of the others. “I feel like Wes and I are so much alike…But there’s something that one of us is holding back,” she says. Cut to Wes, tugging on his villainous mustache. “I’ve got a huge surprise for you,” he tells her. “I have another family I want you to meet.” And then a pregnant woman and two small children hit the set.

Okay, not really. It’s his band, of course! They’re all set up and ready to perform for Jillian! She gets to dance by herself, nurse a beer, and listen to two songs–one of which is that horrible tune he penned especially for her! She doesn’t even get to play the tambourine on this date. After the mini-performance, she goes fishing: “Do you think you and I make a good team? Am I your type?” He is a bit annoyed that she keeps asking the same questions–which I totally get, but all the other dudes have to patiently put up with it. Anyway, he says, “I’m not a good liar…I’m here for you, and I don’t want to ever have to say that again.”

In the meantime, Jake has strolled through the airport in his uniform, checked into the hotel, changed into his mom jeans and chambray shirt, and called Tanner P. for moral support. With all that complete, he knocks on Jillian’s door. She looks less surprised than annoyed. “I think out of everyone, you’re the one I wished I could see if you’re okay,” she offers. “I’m okay,” he says. “I’m not here to get you back…I came down because I think you’re going to have a hard time with one of the guys.” He allows that it’s Wes and Jillian plays dumb. She asks if the trouble could be due to Wes’ career. No, he says. She asks him to spit it out–is Wes gay? “Wes has a girlfriend,” Jake finally says. “Her name is Laurel.”

Again, Jillian doesn’t look particularly shocked. She just looks ticked off. “I don’t deserve all this BEEP. I’m a good person…I care about people…” We’ve heard this rant before. Jake tries to look sympathetic when he says, “My heart is just broken for you.” And then he laughs and skips out of the room. Wishful thinking.

So, now it’s time for Wes to face the music. He tells Jillian he doesn’t have a girlfriend. When confronted by Jake, he claims he never said he had a girlfriend. No one asks how the heck Jake has a specific name, but whatever. Wes blames Jake’s actions on the fact that “I know he’s hurt and he’s ate up.” I really despise Wes. But you know who doesn’t? The genius Jillian. After she kicks Jake out, Wes says, “I don’t want to drag nothin’ out if it’s not going to come to something…I don’t want to you through anything else either.” I’m not sure what any of this means, but Jillian hears only the hypnotic strum of his magical guitar. How else to explain why she opts to go meet his family?

They’re off to an oddly tiled home full of women–Wes’ mom and step-mom and his sisters. Wes and Jillian explain why they’re late and one of Wes’ sister immediately pipes up, “Guys are always going to be jealous of you, Wesley.” Umm…right. Maybe it’s editing, but no one really asks that many questions of Jillian. It really is the Wes show. Eventually, his step-mom takes her aside and tells Jillian, “He’s so straight up. He’s going to tell you the truth. He does have a good heart–a really sensitive heart.” Here’s the thing about that: I’ve dated cheaters. They don’t usually confide in their moms (or step-moms) about their conquests, but fine.

Jillian really is the dumbest woman on earth.

The producers must know that we all want to walk away from this terrible show, so they send a peace offering. Ed knocks on her door at the Beverly Wilshire–where Pretty Woman took place, incidentally. The message here is we’re all whores in our own way, and Ed, even though we love you, you are no different. I don’t know if he misunderstood, and he actually was already laid off before going back to Chicago, or if once he returned, they realized he actually wasn’t good at his job. I do know that he had about a bottle and a half of hair product in his hairdo. Anyway, welcome back, Ed.

So, wrapping up, at the rose ceremony, Jesse and Michael are the odd men out. Jesse gives her a hug and hits the street pretty quickly. Michael is just the opposite. He has a lot to say–none of it bitter. “For a girl who just dumped me–that just broke my heart–I can’t say a bad thing about the girl. There are just 100,000 things between me and her that I just love,” he says.

Bets on whether it’s Michael or Jake as the next Bachelor?

Anyway, we’re off to Spain. I’m hoping it’s Wes who experiences the Cialis moment. I’m prepared to be disappointed. I’m used to it.

Feel free to comment here.

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