The cast of Jillian and Wine Plus Nine boards the Orient Express. One by one, the sad little bachelors are murdered in bizarre and terrifying ways — foot enthusiast Tanner is suffocated with a bottle of Mango Mango nail polish; breakdancer Mike is strangled with his striped hoodie. It’s up to the great Belgian detective Hercules Poirot to identify the killer before it’s too late. Jump for the whole story.
I made all of that up. The cast of The Bachelorette hops on the Mountaineer Express. No one dies. They have obviously burned some bridges in Whistler, and it’s time to get out of town. I’m sorry.There was something that was kind of spooky, I guess: before they take off, Chris says, “I hope to see all of you at the next rose ceremony — wherever that might be.” So, right away, we know that not everyone’s gonna make it off that train. Scary, right? Sorry. I tried.
And The boys aren’t even aware of Harrison’s ominous tone as they board the train — perhaps in part due to the fact that Jillian is slapping their bottoms as they climb the stairs. She’s excited! “I’ve never had a date on a train before,” she says.
Robby gets the first one-on-one. It’s important to note that he’s rocking a hat. What is the deal with the boys and the hats? Anyway, he is ready to get that rose on this date: “This is the biggest rose out of all of them so far…I’m walking on air right now.” And then he chants, “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can get that rose.” No, really. He does.
I should mention that the world’s worst date — the glacier — was one-upped this week. Not only does Robby not get to ride in a plane, the producers don’t even bother to stop the train. Instead he and Jillian head to the dining car, and he’s forced to teach her bartending moves from Cocktail. As she makes 5,000 unsuccessful attempts at a trick (all of which the producers make you sit through. They have GOT to take this show down to an hour.), she says, “Robby is carefree…He’s footloose and fancy free.”
Things do not look good for Robby.
But he’s not worried. The couple goes for a walk — on the train — and he says, “The whole experience is unbelievable…I’m feeling solid right now about our date.” At dinner, things are weird. Not because of bad conversation — I mean, not solely — but because they both had their plates in their laps even though there was a perfectly good table right there. Also, what’s up with the way Jillian holds her fork?
Anyway, the theme of Jillian’s questioning has changed a little from last week. Instead of “Are you here for the right reasons?” it’s more about “Are you ready to have a baby today?” Robby is trying to let her know that the marriage thing isn’t scary to him. “I’m the youngest of four…and none of them are married. We call it the ‘Descant curse’…My whole family thinks that I’m going to get married first. They’re relying on me. The fact that I’m here doesn’t surprise them at all,” he rambles.
And it continues. In the words of Mr. T, there’s a lot of jibber jabber and it finally ends with “I’m ready to have someone there for me. I’m kind of in between jobs right now…”
And here’s where it gets interesting. Remember how Jillian was enraged last week because Ed had the gall to choose his job over appearing on this terrible program? Well, apparently employment is of some importance to Jillian. “I’m not sure how he’s going to pay the bills…” she says of Robby. Jillian, you should probably ask yourself that about a number of your suitors. I’m not sure that breakdancing lessons are at a premium right now, and I know for a fact that tickets to Wes’ show are going for around $12. Might not be the right time to quit your job and have a baby with any of them.
But poor sweet Robby presses on. “I wish I had a bigger vocabulary so I could describe this date better,” he says. Suddenly the train slows down and we know that Robby is going to have hit the bricks. “I feel so young around you, Robby,” Jillian says. “I feel like I almost regress…If I’m sad or if I’m down, you’re the first person I want to see. That’s why you’re here today. I know that you could be someone I could be best friends with…” She tells him that he’s someone she could marry five or ten years from now. Then she places her head in his underarm — penance, I guess — and says, “I’m just so afraid to take that risk with you right now.”
And then he gets dumped — both literally and figuratively — in the Canadian wilderness. He waves to the guys, all of whom have their noses against the windows. “I’m very bummed out. I was left by the side of the road. Obviously I feel very rejected. I guess the family curse is alive and well…here I am on the damn train tracks.” He picks up his luggage and starts walking. Spring, Texas, is far.
Cut to Breakdancing Mike, who is crying. I can’t figure this kid out.
Okay, let’s get to Wes. Obviously, he’s had a conversation with Spencer Pratt and learned that “reality show villain” is his ticket to the big time. He tells the camera about a “secret agenda.” He says, “I have nothing to lose — and everything to gain. I just slip back into Jillian mode.”
After she dumps Robby (by the side of the road), Jillian is feeling blue. She retires to her fur-covered daybed and Wes comes in to comfort her. “Wes makes me feel really safe and happy,” she says. “I thought there were going to be more jerks,” Jillian tells Wes. He answers, “I don’t know you might want to stick around longer. There might be a few…” And then he tugs at his mustache, picks her up, takes her outside, and ties her to the railroad tracks.
Okay, not quite. He does, however, tell the camera, “The fame that I will get from this…it’s almost like I taste it. I want to eat it…there’s no doubt this is going to help me…I have Jillian wrapped around my little finger, y’all. Believe it.” We do believe it, Wes. Unfortunately, this is not that fantastic of a feat. Remember: this is Jillian.
The group date was pretty much a yawn. The gang goes snow shoeing (Tanner P. is quick to get in and secure the bindings on her boot), plays hide and seek (“Don’t look for her,” I yelled to the television. “Get back on the train. Leave her behind.” They didn’t listen), and then they retire to the chateau. This is where things get interesting. Someone asks Jillian what she sleeps in. She answers that she opts for underwear and a t-shirt, unless she’s had too much to drink. Then she just wears underwear.
Tanner P. pipes up that he’d be happy to show everyone what he sleeps in. “I think maybe I’m a little bit shy. I’ve got to step it up,” he says. You know what’s not shy? Taking off your pants, and that’s exactly what he does. And he won’t put them back on. It’s weird. “Okay, that’s great,” Jillian says finally, “I don’t want to see anyone’s package yet…even though it’s huge.” I won’t comment too much on that, but yeah, they had to blur the action out. Tanner P. is all man. Too bad he’s so terrible.
There’s awkward kissing with Kiptyn, awkward talk with Jake, an awkward foot massage with Jake, an awkward villain scene with Wes, awkward s’mores toasting with Michael, and hot tubbing. I need to get out of town so we’ve got to get the show on the road — but is it possible that, in addition to the fame, Wes just wants to go home? Why would he even say any of this unless he wants to make Jillian look stupid? And if that’s it, does that merit my respect?
All this time, Reid has been on the train prepping for his one-on-one date. He’s asking the staff’s opinions about a number of things including, “Glasses or no glasses?” and “Should I drink red or white wine?” As my friend called it, it’s Queer Eye for the Dumb Guy.
And finally it’s off to Lake Louise for Jillian and Reid’s snowboarding date. Unfortunately, Reid can’t snowboard. “That’s awesome!” Jillian says every time he falls. Later, she makes a funny. “I saw Reid fall head over heels for me…several times,” she says over the laugh track.
After avoiding a head injury, the couple heads over to Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Seriously. There are ice sculptures, ice planters, an ice altar of sorts, and an ice bench. It’s ridiculous. They attempt a serious conversation, but the setting is absurd — especially when they are drinking from ice mugs the size of their heads. “I want to be in love. I want to have a normal, happy family some day… Just be happy and wake up every morning and just know it’s right, ” Reid tells her as he struggles under the weight of his mug. She remarks that his ears are red, and he says, “You know what they say about that — it means either high blood pressure or horny.” And then he drops dead.
Not really. They make out and then head back to the Farimont hotel to de-numb their bottoms from the ice bench. Unfortunately, the producers have planned a night of fondue (is the budget really tight this season?), and Reid doesn’t really do fondue. They chat about first impressions, about how neither was initially at the top of one another’s lists, and about what they would do about living in different cities if they got together. He says if you’re two easy-going people, things just happen.
(Note: I’ve dated long distance and I’m fairly easy-going. Things don’t just happen.)
She likes that answer, though, and serves up the rose despite some reservations. “I’m a little bit worried that we don’t have a lot in common, and I wonder about how we would fit into one another’s lives…” Yeah, who needs stuff in common? She must re-think how ridiculous that sounds because she later says something even more ridiculous. “If we forget about where we’re from and how we were raised, we have a lot in common.”
Jillian, you confuse me on so many levels. Reid, however, seems delighted…Red ears and all.
And now it’s time for the rose ceremony. After about an hour of rehashing every single detail about every single man to Chris (ABC, you have to cut this thing down to an hour. I beg you.), she’s ready.
Except she’s not. She asks Michael to steal away with her for a moment before she can start the rose ceremony. She’s worried that at 25, he might not be ready for a wife and a baby. I’m sorry. I have to say this for the 123rd time: He is a breakdance instructor. He’s not ready. But he tells her, “I realize that I’m the young buck, and that I’m 25…I’m not a guy that needs to know a lot of girls…I’ve not had a one night stand…I don’t do that…I’ve always had the idea of being a young dad. The one thing I’m missing is the forever person.” And it goes on and on and on.
But it works! He gets the rose. The only two people who don’t are Tanner P. and Jake, who is absolutely distraught, cries, and actually says something about nice guys finishing last. Tanner P. swears a lot and speculates that he’s too reserved for her, obviously forgetting that he had taken off his pants in a group setting mere days before.
Poor Dallas. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride!
We close with Jillian saying to the remaining contestants, “I would like to toast to getting out of my country and going to yours.” So it would seem the producers got her visa problems solved, and we can all be done with Canada. Yay!
