Saturday, October 1, 2022 Oct 1, 2022
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Television

TV With Laura: The Bachelorette Recap Episode IV

By Laura Kostelny |

I’m still trying to process what went down on last night’s episode. Despite the promises of the previews, it wasn’t the most dramatic episode ever. It was, however, the most R-rated language episode ever. Practically everyone swore last night–Angry Dave even got bleeped for something I still haven’t figured out during his one-on-one time with Jillian. For those who care, let’s jump and take it from the top.

It seems the producers of the show either lost the lease on the house in LA or they entered an agreement with the Vancouver Chamber of Commerce because the entire cast and crew ships off to Canada. Sure, the move can be explained by the fact that this is Jillian’s home town, but that doesn’t explain why every segment begins with some variation of, “I’m so excited to be in Vancouver.” Anyway, all the guys are housed in a three-bedroom, three-bathroom suite at the Fairmount. Upon arrival, word comes as to who is getting the first one-on-one date with Jillian. Surprise! It’s cute guy/bad kisser Kiptyn. I think the telegram/message/ email/whatever reads something like “Let’s cook up some love–Vancouver style.”

In a weird twist, Jake is absolutely delighted for Kiptyn. The two knock fists and Jake says, “Finally a girl who likes nice guys.” It’s worth noting that this kind of attitude (or lack thereof) makes The Bachelorette a lot less fun to wach than The Bachelor. The guys–for the most part, anyway–seem to genuinely like one another, and they’re pretty nice and respectful. That doesn’t happen when women are vying for a dude. So, either that doesn’t say much about my gender or maybe these guys don’t actually dig Jillian.

Anyway, Kiptyn meets her at a park–the two run toward one another ala Jason and Melissa, although I’m happy to report that Jillian hasn’t adopted the leg wraparound move that Melissa trademarked. The date starts with kayaking. You know–like you do on first dates. She presumably “chose” this activity because the helicopter is in the shop. But she says, “I need to know that someone can keep up with me. I need someone to push me–challenge me. I think he could do that.” Suddenly they’re shopping for dinner ingredients, and we’re left to wonder, how in the world are they going to load groceries in the kayaks?

The food obviously didn’t fit, because the duo is forced to sit on a bench with their grocery sacks. They compare notes about their philanthropic sides. Jillian tells him about her involvement with Big Brothers. (I’m assuming she’s a Big Sister, but whatever.) That covered, they begin feeding the millions of dirty pigeons that have gathered. Mary Poppins walks intro frame singing, “Feed the birds, tuppence a bag. Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.” And fade out.

If only. Now Kiptyn and Jillian are in her fake Vancouver apartment (I assume). “I didn’t want to be overly fancy today. I wanted to go shopping, come home, cook dinner, and hang out with my man.” As she’s cooking, he comes behind her and hugs her and kisses her neck. She calls this “every girl’s dream.” I personally don’t have any dreams that involve me cooking, but that’s neither here nor there. She likes him. She even gives him credit for opening up when he’s so not. He tells her, “Part of my flaw is I don’t tend to pursue people. I end up with people who come to me.” So basically, women chase him. That’s not sharing. That’s bragging. But he gets the rose.

Next up: group date. Did you know that we’re in Vancouver? We are! Jillian is all decked out in Sporty Spice gear and it’s time to hit the ice for some curling. Ten of the kids are split into two teams to compete for a trophy and Jillian’s affections. From the onset, Juan is confident. “Flexibility, balance, and touch. I’ve got all three.” You know how everyone hates Juan? I’m sort of getting it. During the competition, breakdancing Mike can’t keep his hands off Jillian, which makes sense. His weird, floppy hat makes it difficult for him to see very well, thus making his sense of touch more important. “She felt so good, man,” he explains. “I was on cloud nine.”

You know how I made fun of Jesse’s missing tooth? I don’t notice it so much anymore. Anyway, he, too, is wearing a hat. But he must have better visibility, because he wins the game. Or as he put it: “I Joe Namethed it. I put the stone in the circle.” Team Red wins, and Jillian promises big rewards: “You guys pushed the pedal to the metal, and we’re gonna go out and have fun tonight.” Curling involves brooms, so I don’t get the whole pedal-to-the-metal thing. But whatevs.

The gang boards an “old, historic boat.” Dave immediately wants to find tequilla. But we’ll get to Dave in a minute. First up, our Dallas boy Jake gets some alone time. He seems like a nice enough guy; I just get nervous when people use “perfect” to describe themselves. And in fairness, Jillian’s the one who initially throws out the “p” word, but he’s not exactly modest. Here’s how it goes down. Jililan says something like, “My first impression of you is that you are so perfect…you mentioned that maybe an ex-girlfriend might have thought that.” He answers: “A bunch of them.” Oy. He then tells her that she’s the smartest woman he has ever met, (personal note to Jake: where do you hang out when you’re here in Dallas? We should talk.) and they kiss like mad.

Now we get to my favorite part of the night: Angry Dave. If you’ll remember, Dave was the first person to receive a rose because he was so shy and tongue-tied when he met Jillian. That guy hasn’t been back on the show since. Instead, we have a guy who says things like, “I’m kind of a bad boy.” He tells her that the spandex she had on was his favorite outfit ever. He talks about how perfect her bottom is. He teases her tht she probably checks herself out all the time, and when she denies it, he says, “You’re such a liar.” And it’s not playful–it’s too forceful, too loud, too edge of hysteria. And then he uses some bad words that are bleeped out, and goes in for a kiss, which she denies him. He gets mad–says he’s never been denied before. But she holds her ground and says,”Not after the word ****” (Dear readers, please email me what the word was. I have a potty mouth, but I can’t figure out what it is.) Instead of punching a wall, he plays with the bodice of her shirt. When she finally flees, he tells the camera, “I think she’s into me…She’s testing me…I love it…The game in on.” It really is scary.

One last thing about the group date, all the dudes cheer when Jesse gets the rose. He proposes a toast and everyone clinks glasses…everyone except Jillian. All those guys, and no one could be bothered to get her a drink?

Moving on to the two-on-one date. (It sounds a lot hotter than it is). Mark and Mike are getting ready. Mark shaves his beard and irons in preparation for the date. He immediately becomes my dream man. When the two dudes see Jillian, Mike immediately begins running toward her. Mark continues walking casually. (Mark, I really do love you.) Jillian gives them the scoop on where they’re headed–and guess what, friends? The helicopter has been repaired after too much usage on Jason’s season. It swoops in and picks up the trio for a trip to Grouse Mountain. The whole date is terrible and awkward. Mike is holding her hand while Mark sits by quietly. Mike makes a toast. Mark politley drinks. Mike says things like, “It’s time to start closing the deal.” and “I’m all in.” and “Big risks, big rewards.” and “I’m definitely falling in love with you.” Yikes!

By contrast, our boy Mark proceeds to talk about his past relationships. Bad. Tells her that he’s fairly certain that his ex cheated on him. Amazing. And best of all, he tells her that it freaks him out that these dudes are saying that they’re in love with her when they don’t even know her. He does everything he shouldn’t. He makes me so happy. And guess what? Mark gets the rose. Thank God. My faith in Jillian is strengthened the tiniest bit.

Cut to a thunderstorm. It’s what the Hollywood people call “foreshadowing.” It’s the night of the rose ceremony and the men are frustrated. They don’t get her fascination with Wes. And make no mistake, she adores him. But there are rumors that Wes may not be here for the “right” reasons–he may be here for his music career (duh) and he might just have a girlfriend. You know why I believe the latter? Because Wes point-blank tells her, “I’ve always been faithful.” It’s my experience that the boys who say they never cheat are the biggest cheaters of all.

So, it’s up to Dallas boy and toe sucker Tanner P. to let Jillian know that she’s a fool, which he sort of does. He basically says that there are dudes there who have girlfriends but he’s unwilling to give names. I would have punched him until he broke, but not Jillian. Instead, she comments that this is “the rudest possible thing I’ve ever known.” She shuts down the party. She swears a little herself–saying “this is bull****!” Later, she remarks, “I thought I had a great judge of character.” And somewhere Molly and Jason laughed and laughed.

Host Chris tries to help her get to the bottom of this bad business. They line the boys up and ask someone to confess. This doesn’t happen. Big surprise. Instead Angry Dave demands to know who the accusor is, and Tanner P. immediately begins sweating, all but soils himself, and says to Juan, “I swear to God, if you look at me again, I’ll kill you.” or something like that. Cool as a cucumber, our Tanner P.

An aside: why can’t ABC tap the phone lines and find out who has a girlfriend? It worked on For the Love of Ray J.

In the end Dave and Juan are forced to pack up their belongings and go. Juan, pompous to the end, tells her, “It’s okay. Don’t worry.” Dave, angry to the end, says, “I feel pretty wronged…What the f***, man?”

So long, Dave. Good luck in anger management class.

See you next week! In the meantime, comment here.