Dear James Ragland:
I sincerely hope it doesn’t feel like I’m harping on you. But after reading your column this morning, in which you argue that Six Flags shouldn’t sell beer, I felt compelled to share some thoughts with you.
My first thought is that I just made a beer pun. Harp? Beer sales? But that’s beside the point.
The point is, your argument against beer sales at Six Flags is a lousy one. First, you say they shouldn’t sell beer because people are “worried about patrons getting drunk, getting on a roller coaster, and throwing up on rides and spectators alike.” When a Six Flags spokeswoman points out that you don’t see that happening very often at other parks that sell beer, you say, “In this case, stats don’t mean much: once is too often if you’re on the wrong end.”
By that logic, if one hockey fan is killed by an errant puck, then we shouldn’t let people play hockey. Oh, I know it doesn’t happen very often. But you and I will agree, James, that if you’re the one killed by an errant puck, once is too often.
I bet you can see where I’m headed with this. James, stats do matter.
Next, you suggest that people going to Six Flags don’t really even want beer. You write: “Good luck getting Six Flags officials to cough up copies of any consumer surveys they’ve done illustrating that this is what their guests want.” I want to make sure I understand this. So you’re saying that people don’t like to drink beer. Do I have that correct? Which means, what, that Six Flags is in league with the brewers? Six Flags wants to tempt people to drink something they don’t want, thereby creating a larger market for Budweiser?
You know how I know you don’t believe that, James? Because two paragraphs later, you write: “[W]e can’t force the company’s bigwigs to tell us what we want to hear — that this is all about making an extra buck or two.” Ah-ha! Do you see what you did there? How is Six Flags going to make money by selling something that people don’t want? James, you know people want beer. Six Flags knows people want beer. Because beer tastes good, and when it’s hot and you’ve been walking all over God’s creation, following around your kids, dealing with crowds and lines, a beer tastes extra good.
And when did making an extra buck or two become a bad thing? Six Flags isn’t a non-profit, is it?
Finally, you close your argument by saying that your biggest worry is that after drinking beer, people will climb into their cars with their kids and drive home. I’m going to ignore the fact that there’s nothing wrong with drinking beer and driving your kids home, that getting drunk and driving your kids home is what you should be worried about. I won’t point out that, for instance, as a 175-pound man, I can quite legally consume two 12-ounce Bud Lights in an hour and drive my kids home. Nope, I’ll leave those points for another time. Instead, I’ll just ask another question: why do you give a pass on the beer issue to the Rangers Ballpark, “where a cold beer often washes away memories of forgettable baseball”? If Six Flags shouldn’t sell it, then neither should the Rangers Ballpark, nor the AAC, nor, now that I think of it, any restaurant.
James. Please. If you wish to abstain, then you have my support. But before you commit your thoughts to newsprint, please get them in order and make sure they’re cogent. Sometimes, I find, a beer helps.
