Spoiler Alert: Lance Armstrong Supports Strengthened Smoking Ban

Lance Armstrong (probably) hopped off his bike long enough to pen this op-ed column for the Morning News, encouraging the City Council to ban smoking pretty much everywhere. (As you know, I’m not a fan of that idea.) In favor of equal time, I’ve allowed myself this short rebuttal:

Dear Lance Armstrong,

I’ll stop smoking in bars when you can promise me I’ll never see another picture like this one. Or this one. Or this one. (That’s just a sample.) Because of you and McConaughey, everyone in America who is not a Texas Longhorns fan hates Texas Longhorns fans.


Zac Crain

UT ’96

P.S. Invoking the global economic crisis in your argument? Maybe overdoing it.


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27 responses to “Spoiler Alert: Lance Armstrong Supports Strengthened Smoking Ban”

  1. Kirk says:

    Dear Zac Crain:

    Ignoring cancer in your argument? May be overdoing it, too.

  2. Zac Crain says:

    You can get cancer from smoking? First I’ve heard.

  3. Zac smokes like a house on fire and he doesn’t have cancer.

    Armstrong is an exercise enthusiast and he has had cancer.


  4. These pictures are not why I hate Texas Longhorns fans, but they really don’t help matters.

  5. Apples to Apples... says:

    Comparing lung cancer to nut cancer? Maybe overdoing it as well.

  6. Rawlins Gilliland says:

    Zac, I have been told that Armstrong (following his recent support for John McCain) is also supporting a local ban on ‘Viking blond hair colors’ that ‘visually undermine ethnic diversity identities’. Sheryl Crow, when asked to comment, said she was a natural blond and ‘after being engaged to Lance, a smoker!’

    Hair color ban protests are tentatively planned at the Paul Neinast Salon following ‘a cocktail fundraiser’ at Nancy Nichols’. A ‘nice dog’ will be among rumored door prizes.

  7. Sean says:

    I think it’s all the whining and bellyaching from Texas fans over the last 24 hours that has the nation hating the University of Texas. If Texas had just handled up and beat the sand pirates, there’d be no problem.

  8. Zac Crain says:

    @Sean: Agreed. I would have liked UT to be ranked above OU, but there really isn’t anyone else to blame. Besides, I’m still coasting on the fumes of ’05.

  9. John M says:

    I hear alcohol is pretty bad for you as well. Apparently it is highly addictive, can cause liver deceases including cancer, fatal alcohol poisoning isn’t terribly uncommon and it is responsible for 39% of all traffic fatalities.

    We must do something to remove this public health scourge from bars.

  10. Wierd Warren says:

    And while we need to clean up the air…. let’s ban all cars and cement plants everywhere… that way nobody can die of drinking and driving, and no more pollution to cause lung disorders in the summertime and maybe we can all start smoking again to give us something to worry about….

  11. Kelly says:

    Most hate Texas fans because they are Texas fans and also the use of terms like “sand pirates”

  12. shellybelly says:

    BREAKING NEWS: Being alive is bad for your health.

  13. Daniel says:

    I will stop smoking in bars when I never have to suffer another damn racing/touring bike with some yuppie dilettante assclown on it dressed up like he’s off to the God damned velodrome.

    Think it over, Lance. It’s a pretty good deal.

  14. Daniel says:

    P.S. Even the ladies’ getups are skin-tight but reveal no contour whatsoever. Most. Useless. Trend. Since. Mountainbiking.

    That is all, and apologies in advance to those I may have offended. You’re the one who’s not an assclown — you’re a serious athlete — and in your heart, you know it.

  15. TokenTexan says:

    Will you take a poll and tell me who REALLY cares what Lance Armstrong says anymore? Why doesn’t he go back to chasing teenagers and leave the lawmaking to others?

  16. MIssing Dots says:

    You think the ban on smoking in bars is bad, there are communities around the country that are actually banning smoking in parks. Yet they continue to allow cars to drive thru the parks. I do agree with the smoking in bars ban, but parks is taking it a little too extreme and it’s only a matter of time before these measures come to your community.

  17. Obvious Man says:

    Oh the humanity!

  18. Holly says:

    Gawd y’all, get with the times.
    Even Oklahoma bans smoking in bars.

  19. Bethany says:

    The fact that Oklahoma does it is an argument in and of itself not to.

  20. RAB says:

    I am deeply humbled and very appreciative that Lance Armstrong is making the personal sacrifice of racing in another Tour de France to raise awareness for cancer. I mean, can you imagine where we would be if he didn’t do it? Would any of us even know that cancer exists?

  21. Jim says:

    To piggy on TokenTexan, isn’t the fact that Armstrong wrote an oped in the Morning News an indication that no one cares what Armstrong says?
    Oh, and does McConaughey count as cancer?

  22. mike says:


    Please enlighten me, I’m a non-serious athlete who enjoys riding a bicycle for exercise. To meet your standards of tasts, I guess I should put away both the mountain bike and the touring bike and certainly the bike specific clothing…I guess the next time you see me, I will be on a bmx bike in jean shorts and a tank top.

  23. Daniel says:

    Thanks, Mike. ‘Preciate it.

  24. Bethany says:

    Jorts and wife beaters…*sigh*

  25. G$$ says:

    Lance Armstrong is a “star effer” putz!! He has to do another Tour du Lance so he will be back in the news, he thinks!! I once heard that he wanted to run for Gov. of Texas. Yikes!!

  26. Jim Graham says:

    The legitimate scientifif studies such as the Enstrom/Kabat study published in the British Medical Journal (39 years of data/35,000 non smokers exposed to second hand smoke)and the 10 year World Health Orginazation study both show that the health risks associated with second handsmoke exposure are right up there with the chances of getting hit by lightning in a thunderstorm. There are numerous other such scientifically valid studies, and a Federal judge ruled that the Surgeon General’s report which the “smoke free” Stepford Wives use to say otherwist was based on junk science which was manipulated to come to a predetermined conclusion. The anti smoking/anti free enterprise system zealots have repeated the lie that second hand smoke is a public health risk often enough that the lie is accepted as truth. Our boy Lance has been taken in by the lie.