Open Letter to Ray French

Dear Ray,

I read with interest the current cover story in Fortune magazine about your sister, Melinda, who married Bill Gates. Is she really worth $100 billion? Wow! That’s some serious scratch. Even with the market tanking today, I bet she doesn’t have to worry about paying for her next pair of shoes.

Anyway, reading the article made me hearken back to our school days together at Cistercian Prep (go, Hawks!). Remember how we all used to tease you about your super-serious, newscaster demeanor and your preternaturally square jaw? Remember how we’d do our fake Ray French voices with you right in the room, making fun of your “beard of steel” and so forth? Remember how you eventually transferred to ESD, and even when our two schools played soccer against each other, we’d still tease you?

I just wanted to say I, for one, am sorry. The only reason I teased you was because the other guys made me do it. I was afraid that if I didn’t go along, they’d make fun of me. I always thought you were pretty cool.

Let’s go grab a beer soon! Don’t be a stranger.



P.S. Great photo of you in Fortune, the black and white one, where you’re standing to Melinda’s left. I’ve included it, below, just in case you haven’t gotten your copy yet. Your hair looks great.



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6 responses to “Open Letter to Ray French”

  1. the amanda says:

    Is there anyone in this town you haven’t offended?

  2. Eric Celeste says:

    I [HEART] the amanda

  3. Mr. French says:


    Of course I remember you constant teasing during high school. While many said you were just experimenting and trying to find yourself, I saw it for what it was. A cry for attention. Now you have it. What would you like to do with it? I am very sorry that I am featured in Fortune Magazine while you live your life via free hands outs and contra. Sorry the Marty Cortland gig didn’t plument you to SNL status. Perhaps someday you will come to terms with the fact that you are more (or less) than the sum of your job. Don’t spend your entire life being bitter. Who knows, maybe someday I will convince Melinda to take an ad out in your publication and you can spend the proceeds on alcohol.

  4. dave little says:

    This might be off topic but women don’t like it when you fart in front of them. It’s true. I conducted a survey. In an elevator. Full of women. And it was unanimous. Now, I didn’t use a placebo to check and see if maybe the women in the elevator didn’t care for me. No, I farted. It was not premeditated. I didn’t go in the elevator with farting on my mind. It just happened. And then I smiled. I didn’t laugh. I didn’t giggle. Didn’t smirk. I just acknowledged, using a facial tic, that i was the owner. And they were offended. It’s not like I was wearing a t-shirt that read “My honor student with aids can beat up your honor student with herpes.” Okay, I was wearing it but it was under my coat. And I promise you that if one of the women had farted I would have laughed until I peed my pants, which I’m sure the gals would have also found offensive but I’m on the same page with them concerning that particular indiscretion. There’s no place in public where urine stained pants would be considered a valued accessory. And while I’m not a doctor (though I do look down on people like they do), I am very concerned with what happens to a fart when you hold it in. I not only googled that question but I also posted it in a forum at and I got nothing. Which perplexed me. Because I don’t think the fart disappears. And through meditation and several glasses of wine, I have determined that the fart goes back through your digestive system and comes out through your mouth and sounds something like this:

    “No, honey, you’re much fatter than her.”

    “Baby, I don’t care what you wear.”

    “Sure, dear, I’ll stop staring at good-looking women. And for my next trick, I’ll unfry and egg.”

    So, ladies, the next time a guy farts in front of you, be glad. At least he didn’t talk.

    Again, sorry if this was off topic.

  5. pak says:

    and where would Melinda be if she hadn’t married into money? her husband is worth $100 billion

  6. Michelle says:

    pak, Melinda would probably be doing pretty damn well even if she hadn’t married Bill. She was valedictorian of her class at Ursuline, got her bachelor’s and MBA at Duke, and met him while she was working at Microsoft. She worked for the company for quite awhile; she wasn’t just some gold digger looking for a rich husband.