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A FEW NOTES ABOUT THE JUST COMPLETED BYRON NELSON KICKOFF LUNCHEON, FEATURING DAVID FEHERTY

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Still fine-tuning my headline-writing skills.

The gig went down at the Salesmanship Club HQ. The goateed Irishman was the big draw. Here’s what I remember:

–Lasers. Or, at least, lights. The Salesmanship Club HQ in Oak Cliff has ’em. For a luncheon served on disposable plates, the light show seemed out of place. But moving on …

George Riba. Adam and I passed him on our way to our table. Riba winked at Adam. Very strange. Men who don’t know each other shouldn’t wink at each other. Man law. Look it up.

–Bill Hill. Our former DA was in shirtsleeves and looked rested.

Lee Roy Jordan. He sat right next to me. I am embarrassed to admit this, but as we were introduced, I thought to myself, “Lee Roy Jordan … Lee Roy Jordan. Gosh that name sounds familiar. He looks familiar, too. I think he was a Cowboy.” I’m such an idiot. Ring of Honor much?

–Brooks Cullum. As in son of the Tom Thumb founder. He’s the tournament chairman this year. His wife’s name is Lucky. He said he fell in love with her when he saw her at SMU, “wearing the shortest skirt allowed by law.” No Lucky jokes. Cullum says he’s heard them all.

–Peggy Nelson. Byron’s widow sat at the head table. Looks wonderful.

David Feherty. His homepage is way overdone. But the guy himself is genius. If you play golf, or even if you don’t, buy his books and read them. He’s funny.

Feherty started off with a very sincere thank-you to Peggy Nelson on behalf of the PGA for how she cared for Byron, the man who gave so much to the game (and other people). That was the last bit of sincerity we got out of him. He basically launched into a roast of golfers and announcers he knows. Ken Venturi took it hard, despite the fact that he’s recovering in Palm Springs from an ailment left unspecified by Feherty.

As did Gary McCord, who is also battling sickness (heart infection). McCord is at a Mayo clinic. It sounds serious. But Feherty said that the guys on the CBS golf team have all called McCord to call dibs on a body part should McCord die and donate his earthly vessel. Feherty himself wants McCord’s buttocks. He said they’re great and “look comfortable.”

But no one took more hits than Nick Faldo. Feherty went on and on about the man’s ex-wives, even telling about the time one of them took a wedge to Faldo’s 911 Porsche turbo. (When someone in the audience asked him which club would have been more appropriate, Feherty, without missing a beat, said only a driver would do.)

I couldn’t keep up with all the jokes. Fart jokes. Drinking jokes. A joke about Feherty now being sober but almost recently getting run down on his bike by a Miller Lite truck. It was all good stuff. He had the 200 or so in the audience all cracking up.

–Finally, the slogan for this year’s tourney is “This one’s for Byron,” and the Salesmanship Club plans to raise $11 million. Sounds like this year they’re feeling lucky.

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