DALLAS BARBIE

A stereotype-appreciating FrontBurnervian passes along an e-mail that’s popped up here and there: Barbie dolls for the Dallas market.

Plano Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at Willowbend Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign Lapdog named Honey, and a cookie- cutter dream house with a saguaro cactus in front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Richardson Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic- jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English, Spanish or Chinese. Available at Target.

Oak Cliff Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a ’78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Park Cities Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny. This University Park Barbie hasn’t been affordable since the early 1980’s.

Mesquite Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Eastfield College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams,Jr CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross or at special locations in Canton on First Mondays.

Garland Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Mesquite Barbie’s (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie’s dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

North Dallas Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print Spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.

Grand Prairie Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass to UTA. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Denton Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Oak Lawn Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

McKinney Barbie
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is because he’s always away hunting or in Japan on business. McKinney Barbie aspires to become Plano Barbie. Not cheap but still very naive.

West Dallas Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer’s uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for West Dallas Barbie or Ken. Available at Carnival or Fiesta Stores only.

Oak Lawn Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the “snap-on” parts. Likes to experiment.

South Dallas Barbie
This barbie also goes by the name of “Crackhead or Clucker” She does not come with a house because she is mostly walking the streets. But she does come with a set of gold or platinum teeth. She also comes with 6 kids but Ken is not the father of neither one of them.

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