Halloween is mere days away, and you’ve probably already purchased some candy for your impending neighborhood trick-or-treaters. But have you purchased enough? Or too much? We’re so glad you asked. There’s only one way to truly know if you’re partying correctly: You’ve gotta have a formula. If you’re not bringing math into your party planning, how will you even enjoy yourself? You won’t. Everyone knows this.
Luckily for America, Shipt and Mars Wrigley teamed up to create a formula people can use to predict exactly how much candy they should buy in order to be properly equipped for Halloween this year.
Their method is simple:
(T*K*G) + (D*F*S) = Total number of Candy Pieces
T = time, in number of hours you plan to be answering your door
K = estimated number of kids you’ll see per hour
G = generosity factor (how many pieces will be distributed to each trick-or-treater)
D = the number of days between the initial candy purchase and Halloween
F = the number of family members in the household
S = the sneaky factor (average pieces of candy each member of the household will eat per day)
Then, take your Total Candy Pieces and divide by 30 (that’s the average number of pieces of candy per bag) to find the number of bags of candy you’ll need. (If rain is in the forecast, divide the final count by 1.5.)
See? Simple! Sure, this guidance is pretty cool—but it’s also super general. Which means it’s not perfect for Dallas, and therefore it’s the worst.
First off, and very important, the bags of candy you buy should be good candy. If you’re the one handing out Sugar Daddys and Dubble Bubble, go get stuck in the carpool line behind someone who refuses to follow the carpool line rules. (“DRIVE UP TO THE CONE WITH THE 1 ON IT IF NOBODY IS IN FRONT OF YOU! NOT THE 3! THE 1!! GAH! THE CONES! MIND THE CONES, SHARON!”)
You big ol’ mosquito fart. Shame on you for acting like spending your money on Circus Peanuts and then giving them to children was a nice thing to do. We’re looking for Hershey’s, Reese’s, Life Savers and Charms products up in here. You wanna give out Pixie Stix? Great thinking. Maybe buy some giant ones, too. It’s 2021. Be a Halloween hero, not a zero.
Okay, now let’s get down to business. We added a few parameters to consider so that you end up with the exact number of pieces of candy you should have if you’re Halloweening in DFW.
Behold, the correct Halloween Candy Calculator:
(((T*K*G) + (D*F*S))/30) + EMO – OLDZ + XANDER + LULU = TOTAL BAGS OF CANDY NEEDED
EMO = The too-old-for-this teenager. They’re going to show up, and you need to have a little extra candy around to placate them. Earn one EMO per egg that hit your house last year.
OLDZ = How many times have you seen a quiet ambulance out front in the last three months and thought, “Oh, I hope Lynette didn’t fall again.”
XANDER = How many Xanders live on your street?
LULU = How many Lululemon Moms walking anything that could be described as a “doodle” live your neighborhood?
EXTRA = Are you Halloween Extra? Does the sound of the blowers for your inflatables almost drown out the Spooky Sounds playlist you have blasting through your mummy speakers? Earn one for every time someone has taken a selfie in your front yard on Halloween over the years.
What else do you need to consider for you candy strategy? If the street signs in your neighborhood have a little added sign on top that says some cute, neighborhood association made-up hyperlocal name (like Lake Lowlands or Parkston Hollow or The F Streets, add five bags of candy to your final count.) Do you live on Swiss Avenue? If yes, multiply your final answer by 10. Then add 3,000.
Bonus points for W = WINE. You need to add one bottle of wine for every bag of candy you buy. This is either to be shared with parents as they roll through your stop, or not. Dealer’s choice.
One last thing: THAT GUY = Wait, are you the one who has the house with all the crazy blood-spurting stuff out front that was so scary the cops came to your house to inspect it? And it made national headlines? Don’t buy any candy, my guy. You’re all set.
Have fun out there this Halloween, everybody. Throw a Dubble Bubble straight in the trash every time you see someone in a Squid Game costume.