Nancy Churnin’s post over at the Eats Blog about the start of Purim tonight and her love of the three-cornered pastry known as Hamentaschen got our own Nancy asking me about the little treats. It got me thinking about Jewish food that I love. I’m still thinking. It’s not a long list, even for those of us who are Jewish. We are a proud people We’re just not very proud of our culinary heritage.
We may go through all kinds of food trends in this country, but unless we somehow develop an unrequited love for salt or yeastless bread or overcooked chicken, I just don’t know that Jewish food is ever going to be hot. Nevertheless, for my first post for the Disher Nation, I felt compelled to offer these five best Jewish specialties along with an equally tough list to compile: Five most unappealing Jewish foods. It was so tough because there are a lot of contenders.
FIVE BEST JEWISH SPECIALTIES
5. Bagels: The only Jewish crossover food. But please, nothing from Einstein Bros.. Those are just big, fluffy rolls. Bagels should be boiled, dense dough then baked until the shell is semi-crunchy. The only real topping for a bagel is plain cream cheese and a bit of lox.
4. Matzoh Ball soup: One of the few good uses for the Passover staple of unleavened bread, Matzoh. A little chicken soup, some carrots, maybe even a few thin noodles and a big baseball-sized dumpling of ground Matzoh meal. As someone once said about it’s healing powers: “It might not help, but it couldn’t hurt.”
3. Potato pancakes: Or, as we call them, “latkes.” What’s not to like about deep fried potatoes? Especially when they are served at Hanukkah along with all those presents.
2. Corned beef: Sure, you can take pastrami if you want, but, give me lean, thin corned beef, served warm, on rye with spicy brown mustard. Maybe that’s the real reason that Meg Ryan’s character went through all that heavy-breathing and moaning during the scene set at Katz’s in When Harry Met Sally. For the pastrami fans, we offer the summation of a Mr. George Costanza, who considered pastrami “the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.”
1. Your Mama’s brisket: Well, actually not your mama’s; our mama’s. While I love all things barbecued, I’ve never really able to develop a taste for barbecue brisket. That’s because the brisket of my dreams has been slow-cooked, is fatty and sits in broth made from onion soup mix. It should be served with some kind of potato, Challah bread for sopping up the sauce and a bit of horseradish for a little zip. Trust me, bubballah, you’ll like. And no matter how much you’ve eaten, it should come with a matronly-like lady who says: “Eat, eat, you’re all skin and bones.”
THE FIVE WORST JEWISH FOODS
5. Chopped liver: There is a reason we have the saying “What am I chopped liver?” It’s because this stuff sucks. Whenever my mother started broiling up the chicken livers for this, I would run away from home, looking for a nice Gentile family to adopt me. Mom once threatened me that I wouldn’t go through a Bar Mitzvah if I didn’t eat chopped liver. Boy, I was really looking forward to being an altar boy instead. Then, she relented.
4. Tzimmes: A stew-like dish made mostly of cooked-until-mushy carrots, mixed with dried prunes and raisins. It can also include white and sweet potatoes, honey and cinnamon. On their own, these are mostly fine foods (except for maybe the dried prunes). Together, well, there is a reason why the last syllable sounds like “mess.” I found at least 22 recipes for Tzimmes on line. None of them sound the least bit appealing.
3. Borscht: Cold beet soup, often mixed with a bit of sour cream and some cucumber to change it’s hue to a neon pink, bordering on Pepto Bismol pink. Two things: I prefer my soups hot and no food should ever be the color of Pepto Bismol. Borscht is also claimed as part of Russian Cuisine. There is a reason you don’t see many Russian restaurants around town. Borscht is the highlight.
2. Gefilte fish: According to Wikipedia, gefilte fish, a staple of every Jewish holiday meal, are “poached fish patties or balls made from a mixture of ground deboned fish, mostly carp or pike.” Yum-O! Did I mention these little gems of trash fish goodness are served cold, often with an accompanying gelatinous glob that can’t be description? There is only one way to make them the least bit stomachable: Tons of horseradish.
1. Schav: Cold sorrel (sour grass) soup. That really says it all. But if you need a picture, think of it as Borsht’s uglier, pale green sister.
