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Riis Christensen: Renegade Rick Perry Takes Toyota With a Fury (The Real Story)

Renegade Texas Gov. Rick Perry has apparently engineered Toyota’s Intrepid Escape from Pacifica and given Rogue Gov. Jerry Brown a Swift Sidekick in the pants by Juke-ing the world’s largest automaker’s HQ out of the land of Gremlins and Hornets.
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Riis Christensen
Riis Christensen

Renegade Texas Gov. Rick Perry has apparently engineered Toyota’s Intrepid Escape from Pacifica and given Rogue Gov. Jerry Brown a Swift Sidekick in the pants by Juke-ing the world’s largest automaker’s HQ out of the land of Gremlins and Hornets. The announcement Monday is by no means a Mini-relocation and should amount to 4,000 new jobs in North Texas—plus the M3 multiplier job effect of Enclaves of businesses that are expected to follow the Japanese Titan.

The Texan Charger Perry has been openly criticized for frequent Journeys with his 4Runners to California to poach business. Many Californians viewed him as a Raven-ous Viper bent on sucking the life out of the Yugo-ish state. But to Texans, his Wrangler-ing of Toyota’s headquarters is seen as his greatest achievement since floating the mandatory adolescent HPV virus immunization bill.

Prelude to A Move

Toyota’s Prelude to a move included meticulous researching of an Odyssey of sites including the Yukon, Rainier, Tacoma, Montana, Durango, Aurora, Aspen, Sante Fe, Tucson, and Dakota, all the way east to Indy, and ultimately to Saratoga, The Hudson, Park Avenue, and as far north as Newport.
Warmer considerations included Daytona, Cimarron, Saratoga, Sonoma, Sedona, Monterey, Reno, Sundance, and Bonneville. International possibilities were narrowed to Venza-uela, Milan, and Baja, but were never given Sirius consideration. Four finalist cities which were ultimately Targa-ted, but Plano, Texas, came out on top.

Though Plano E.D. officials were openly walking on a Silver Cloud all last weekend, they declined to comment. (I suspect that having the initials E.D. in their name had something to do with it). They told this Challenger to Leaf them alone. However, we have been able to confirm a Supra-dupra incentive package worth over $40 million, or $10,000 per employee, apparently vroom-vroomed the decision.

Toyota’s Legacy

The car-maker’s huge announcement comes just two years after Nissan’s Shift out of California to Kentucky. CEO Jim Lentz, Toyota’s Pilot on the big move, stated that he “didn’t think that there was any way that they could Prius (long “i”) out of S. California, but I was wrong.” He apparently liked the Mustangs at Las Colinas, but ultimately chose the Mercedes of locations, Legacy Business Park.

Legacy is considered by many companies—such as J.C. Penney, Frito-Lay and Dr Pepper—to be the Altima-te in Versa-tile national locations. Of Imperial consideration to Toyota in choosing West Legacy was the ease of travel and communication to both coasts, friendliness of business climate, low taxation, and the relative lack of Texans Sportage-ing tattoos and body piercings.

In Defender-ing their decision, Toyota officials cited an Infinity of ways to avoid the Escalade-tion of their cost structure over the next 200 years—now the average length of a new car note for many buyers. Although Toyota isn’t planning a move Fiesta until late 2016, they do intend to Focus on the Fusion of business units from around the U.S. In the meantime, national tax consultants tell us that Toyota will have to watch out for Phantom income as a result of the move and previous tax incentives.

The Campus

Toyota is crossing the 528 i’s and dotting the 300 TT’s on their campus deal, purportedly with KDC, as they attempt to Maxima-ize their North Texas investment. Although details are scarce, expect a Boxer-ish mid-engine-rise complex with a Sienna brown exterior and a beefy 5.7 liter V-8 cooling tower. Sequoias will be planted on what is now barren Tundra, and a Skylane ramp and Flying Spur should connect the newly-named FJ Boulevard in West Legacy to both the Tollway and State Highway 121.

At a four-person/1,000 square-foot ratio, look for in excess of a 1 million square-foot facility—a veritable Hummer H2 of a HQ. It’ll include a host of upgrades, such as 500-watt subwoofer, power windows, sunroof, AC power inverter, in-bed ice chest, heated leather seating, retinal scanner, rear-seat LED screens, tinted windows, luggage and bike racks, undercoating, the first ever 1/1 scale tree air freshener, wench, 4,000 cup holders and one giant ass LoJack.

The Employees

Although many of Toyota’s employees will probably miss the Jetta set in the L.A. area, there is some Solstice in the fact that take-home pay will significantly increase—by over $12,000 per employee. Accord-ingly, many might be able to move up to the Toyota flagship Avalon, or even the international gold standard Land Cruiser—with an MSRP tipping $76,000. Or who knows, maybe they’ll hit the new Tollway Park Place Lexus dealership?

One employee that I spoke with who wished to remain anonymous said, “We’ll miss Live at the Apollo and drinking Thunderbird with the gangs—Barracudas, Ravens, and El Caminos. But we’ll get to play a lot more golf, and we hear the newest car models in Texas are cleaner.”

Oh What a Squealing

Camry have any better news? Our market is on Fuego with five major corporations that have been in a simultaneous hunt for space in Dallas-Fort Worth recently—each for over 1 million square feet! Though it’s not quite time yet for Yaris and mine to celebrate—this is no Mirage and hopefully points to an Outlander-ish amount of activity for us all, but only time will Tesla. As the advancing Toyota Armada approaches, let’s show them what true Patriots we are with a big Regal Texas welcome. And remember—there’s a new Alpha dog in the Packard. Let’s go places!!!

Riis Christensen is the senior vice president of tenant advisory services at Transwestern. He likes to make stupid car jokes and is a huge Toyota fan. Contact him at [email protected]