What did we, as a city, do to deserve being represented by the Real Housewives of Dallas? For the past four years, a rotating roster of (mostly) insufferable humans have been the most significant pop culture symbols of the city. And somehow, despite swinging between being shockingly offensive and being really freaking boring, they’re coming back for a fifth season. At least this time we’ll get a new wife with some real potential.
The show returns to Bravo on January 5, and the network just released a new trailer of the dramatic upcoming season. While the video is only two minutes long, it told us nearly everything we needed to know about this season. Seriously, we would all be better off if we just stopped here.
But I didn’t even have time to question my choice of pressing “play” when a shrill scream drew me back into Bravo’s slimy grasp.
Onscreen, the women are at Southfork Ranch, the home of real Dallas TV royalty, when someone dramatically falls down the stairs. It’s just Brandi, drunk and participating in some kind of murder mystery game.
“This is how we do it in Dallas,” announces the narrator as it cuts to the show’s fugly cowboy boot logo. It’s not, by the way, but OK.
We see the wives together once again, sans LeeAnne Locken, who ended last season with a bizarre series of racist rants directed toward fellow housewife Cary Brittingham. If you don’t remember, it was really, really bad. While Locken was the only offender in this instance, it was more than disappointing to watch the other women silently listen to her spewing hate. Kameron’s husband actually had to explain to her that she shouldn’t be friends with a racist–and his motivation seemed to be to protect her own reputation. To say that the incident has made the show less appealing is an understatement. I digress.
“We’re all taking this, quarantining, very seriously,” says D’Andra, whose words provide a hilarious contrast to clips of the group getting wild at various theme parties.
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As the camera pans to the group taking shots, we get the first look at our new leading lady, anesthesiologist Tiffany Moon, named one of Dallas’ Best Doctors by D Magazine in 2019. Beyond that, she has a solid TikTok presence and amazing skin. But does she have what it takes to save this insipid television show?
“I’m better than Doogie Howser,” she announces in one randomly placed clip. The trailer cuts to a new scene with Moon addressing the other ladies: “No fighting. And be honest…I know that’s really hard in this group.”
Taking that advice, Kary tells her she is two-faced at some kind of Western, hoedown-themed dinner. In fact, it seems like a few of the wives have issues with Moon from the trailer.
We can’t forget the real queen bee of this hive, though, Dee Simmons. D’Andra’s mean, distrusting mother is the saving grace of RHOD, as she reminds us with a brief appearance in the trailer.
The last minute is more or less just screaming, clips of drunken behavior, and, of course, several more themed parties where there’s not a mask in sight. Perhaps the negligence is a reflection on the majority of Dallasites’ attitudes during this pandemic. Perhaps these people really are the worst. Dee, if you’re reading this, that doesn’t apply to you. Watch the trailer here.