Is there anything more awkward than the first few moments of a Real Housewives reunion? Everyone is oddly perched on a couch, taking their turn exchanging pleasantries with Andy and bracing themselves for the verbal equivalent of the Hunger Games. Dallas, with our extreme hospitality, makes this moment particularly cringey. Everyone is smiling so hard and saying “hi” as though it’s made of butter and has five “I”s, but we all know it’s only a matter of time before someone barks, “Why don’t you jump in a f***ing lake and drown.”
Another thing that’s striking about the Dallas reunion: everyone, apart for Stephanie, who should be applying for sainthood, is the villain. There’s not a victim in sight on these red velvet couches in what I assume is the well-lit remains of Stampede 66. (RIP.)
But before we get into the villains of the week, I guess we should talk fashion, because that’s about 30 percent of these reunions anyway. (They’re basically just glam, seating arrangements, women pulling their cellphones out of thin air, and taking a sip of your wine anytime Andy says, “With all due.”) I’m so aggressively on board the Ariana Grande train right now that I dug Brandi’s high pony, but Housewives Twitter was quick to point out that we’ve seen this sparkly striped number twice before on OC’s Gina Kirschenheiter and on Kandi Burruss. However, Twitter failed to remember when an early-twenties Stassi Schroeder wore a low-cut version of it during her iconic “It’s my f***ing birthday!” scene in Vegas (the one where Jax wore that tight knit cardigan with nothing under it), which I’m pretty sure was filmed in 2012. Let’s move on from this unoriginal sartorial creation, shall we?
I had a moment of hope for Cary, whose hair and makeup look incredible, but then she raised one long stringy sleeve. D’Andra’s earrings were a nah from me, but I genuinely like that pantsuit. I also like that it was risqué enough for Kameron to say, “I can almost see your nipple,” in a super judgmental way. Speaking of Kameron, I don’t think she counts because she’s wearing a costume. A costume by Tom Ford, but a costume nonetheless.
At this point, I’ve been so beaten down by the looks, dark lipstick, and loud Gucci statement belts of LeeAnne—when we flashed back to that glam peasant dress from episode one… no—that I thought this was pretty good. I’m utterly confused by the material on this off-the-one-shoulder dress, though, which sort of reminds me of a glittery bumper car and seems like it would be both soft and scratchy to the touch.
Earlier this week, Yoko Ono tweeted, “Karma is real, whether we believe in it or not,” but you can totally see the good kind manifested in a one Stephanie Hollman. The purest soul of the group nailed her look. That mock turtleneck creation was cool as hell, and her blonde ombré was working. I do wish she would tone down the makeup a bit and let her natural beauty shine, but it’s television so I get it.
On the action front, these reunions are designed to be ragey, but I was not prepared for the wrath these women unleashed. (Except, of course, for Stephanie, who spoke eloquently and earnestly and is doing great work to destigmatize depression and antidepressants.) I honestly don’t think Andy was either. He seemed pretty taken aback when he had to tell Kameron they weren’t going to call AT&T.
Within moments, we have Cary, who was relatively level-headed for the entire season, absolutely freak on D’Andra for thinking she would fat-shame her. She’s practically vibrating as Bravo editors, ever the brilliant, petty bitches, flash back to her saying that her husband had man boobs in season one.
Nobody looks good (fashion aside). No one makes their case. I honestly don’t even know who I believe. Do I think Cary would really fat-shame D’Andra? I don’t know, but I can imagine that if weight is truly an insecurity, fat shaming by anyone is a credible fear. Do I think Kameron will ever not make the adoption of a baby about her? I don’t know. Did D’Andra send that text? I mean yeah, probably. And do I really think that Cary’s disgruntled ex-florist is the reason that the Round-Up rumor got started? Honestly, I feel like I need to know why this botanist is so pissed off, because that is a wild way to retaliate against bad employers.
I do know that I don’t believe Kam’s “southern valley accent” is the reason she can’t say “bull.” The creator of Sparkle Dog and owner to Chunk knows exactly what she’s doing. It’s also clear that Andy is playing favorites with LeeAnne just as he does with Bethenny Frankel. There are some rumors out there that a Dallas Housewife was let go, and based off part one of this reunion, I think we all know who it’s not. I also wonder how many Housewife entrepreneurs across the country lost their minds when Andy said the L’Infinity dress was “the best idea I’ve ever seen.” Sonja Morgan probably peed her adult diaper all over again in the name of Sonja by Sonja Morgan.
And while it was totally chill that LeeAnne wouldn’t want to out her two therapists on national television, the fact that she randomly records conversations Omarosa-style is the opposite of chill. Though I don’t care for D’Andra calling her “LieAnne.” That’s lazy and uninspired name calling and we can do better than that.
Until part two, when Dee graces us with her presence and a pant suit one last time in 2018.