What’s the best writing on television right now? I might argue for The Good Place. Maybe you’d stan for Killing Eve. Veep always crushes. The choices are as strong as they are vast in this golden era of television, particularly when it comes to television writing.
But as smart, and thoughtful, and witty as a script might be, it can’t always compare with the dialogue that a grown woman, thrown into the Bravo reality gauntlet, might rattle off the cuff in a full-face of makeup she’s been wearing since six am for seemingly no reason at all. It can’t compare with banter that ends with “I’m gonna mow their asses down.” And no writer would ever think to top off a 77-year-old woman’s pep talk with “Be mean. Don’t be a patsy. Tell them how the cow ate the cabbage!” That would be a little much, no?
Last night was a great night for heated banter, an even better night for elegant loungewear, and the best performance so far from Mama Dee (truly the scariest thing I saw this Halloween).
Let’s talk about it.
We open on Cary, which I don’t think we’ve ever done. She’s brushing up on her Danish for the impending trip to Copenhagen, and making gift baskets filled with Danish pastries, beer, and pickled herring. As if by magic, each gift basket get dropped off at a Housewife’s home while a camera crew is conveniently there to record their strong reactions. LeeAnne is disturbed when Rich spills some fish juice all over her coffee table magazines. The smell will last forever, Richard! There were other responses, but I forgot them because Brandi says, while eating the fish, “This smells like dirty twat, and trust me, I’ve smelled some dirty twats in a kick line.” If that Vanity Fair article about the exploitation of N.F.L. cheerleaders didn’t make you question the institution, Brandi’s thoughts might!
The gift basket also came with a note that reads “Join me” in Danish —which sweet Stephanie attempts to read out loud — and “for a salty and sweet journey” in English. Stephanie asks her assistant Trey (I see you, Trey) where Copenhagen is, which then becomes the actual title of this episode. Seriously, it’s called “Where’s Copenhagen?” Harsh, Bravo!
LeeAnne brings her two sweet looking friends, Christina and Kim, and Stephanie to go wedding dress shopping at Esé Azénabor’s Design District space. For a woman who keeps insisting she wants something “clean, and basic, and boring” for her wedding, she tries on some of the most extra dresses I’ve ever laid eyes on. There are cutouts, and crystals, and lace all over these designs, sometimes all at once. At one point, LeeAnne puts on a floor-length cape and becomes Liberace, to which Stephanie says, “It’s so insane.” Yeah!
(To be clear, I have no problem with extravagant wedding gowns, but if LeeAnne thinks anything she wore is clean and simple… I just don’t know.)
We head over to the Ultimate Living offices, which marks the commencement of a very strong showing from Dee this episode. She’s all lit up about the fact that LeeAnne pulled her aside at that cooking party to tell her she’s concerned about D’Andra drinking with Brandi. She, like her daughter, translates that information to mean “D’Andra is an alcoholic!” She puts the 14-year (!!!) conversation about handing over the keys to the company to rest for a moment to go full mama bear. “I’m going to defend my daughter!” she announces.
Cut to Kam’s house, where the editors are cruelly showing her trying and failing to use an apple slicer. LeeAnne arrives and Kam successfully pours her a rose water and doesn’t make her take off her shoes. The convo quickly turns to D’Andra, who couldn’t make the dress shopping excursion because she was too busy (why wasn’t Kam there though?), and this fun, RAPID dialogue ensues. Here’s a verbatim transcription.
K: Her best friend is getting married…
L: I don’t think I’m her best friend…
K: Too busy!? I’m sorry. Who’s too busy to go to a wedding dress fitting? (Maybe you since you weren’t there?)
L: Who is this?
K: Who is too busy?
L: Who is she?
K: This is not someone we know.
L: I don’t know this person.
K: IT’S PSYCHO.
L: It’s psycho, man.
K: There’s something psycho going on, girl.
L: Anyone who calls me psycho, pah-lease child. PAH- AH- AH- AH-LEASE.
Back at Ultimate Living, Dee is still in a rage. D’Andra explains what happened with Jimmy and Kam at the cooking lesson and Dee says, “HERE’S WHERE YOU WENT WRONG.” Basically, she should have told the mother-in-law and daughter duo that a cooking class is an inappropriate time for their judgement, and that they should schedule another time to talk. (Seems a bit formal, but maybe?) “SO YOU’VE LEARNED A LESSON NOW,” says Dee. “BE MEAN IF YOU HAVE TO BE MEAN. DON’T BE A PATSY. TELL THEM HOW THE COW ATE THE CABBAGE.” She also gives such side eye at the mention of Jimmy being the grande dame of Dallas, and purrs, “She is?” DAMN, DEE.
(I officially request a Bravo spinoff called “Who Gives a Grand Dame?” with Jimmy, Dee, Southern Charm’s Patricia, and Tinsley Mortimer’s mom Dale.)
Time trudges on, and we find ourselves at a pajama party at Jack Retro that’s also a pop-up for Hard Night Good Morning. This event feels real random, but I am digging these elegant ass PJs and D’Andra is crushing this bangs and thick headband look. Dee is there!
Cary, who is basically naked, and Brandi, who appears to be in a pink llama onesie, arrive arm-in-arm and provide a visual for the very broad spectrum of what “pajamas” can mean. Dee quickly pulls them aside and asks them to take care of D’Andra in Copenhagen. More specifically, “If she comes back hurt, everybody’s going to wish they were dead.” (Can you imagine Dee at a PTA meeting?)
D’Andra passes around some sort of green miracle drink, and LeeAnne uses the opportunity to explain that she grew up allergic to grass, trees, cats, dogs, chocolate, and milk. Last week with that super sad locker anecdote and now this… poor girl.
Cary and D’Andra talk a bit. D’Andra is done with both LeeAnne and Kam. “Now you’ve awakened the dragon, and the dragon’s not nice,” says D’Andra. Cary responds, “Well I know that. You can be a real bitch.” Yes, naked Cary.
I blacked out for a second and now Brandi and Dee are also there. Dee darkly jokes to Brandi something like, “Oh, you’re an alcoholic. Didn’t you know?!” Brandi finally brings up the thing we should have been discussing this entire time which is that SHE JUST ADOPTED A BABY and is being called an alcoholic. I really don’t know much about the incredibly complicated process of adopting a child, but I know that’s bad!
We end on the very sweet vowel renewal of Travis and Stephanie. Apparently, Trav planned the whole thing, and even flew out Steph’s original Maid of Honor for the occasion. It’s all so thoughtful that I’m going to ignore the fact that he jokes about “butt sex” right in front of his wife’s unsuspecting parents shortly after. Steph wears her original wedding dress and looks wonderful. Also, we get a too-quick shot of Travis’ hot brother Joey and WOAH. Is he also an heir to a locker fortune?
I guess we technically close on a packing montage, which is a pretty straightforward Housewives packing scene by all accounts, except for one truly shocking revelation: Kam has a bulldog named CHUNK. Nothing has ever felt more off-brand.
Until next week, when we find out if LeeAnne and D’Andra survived flying coach overseas. Given the fact that D’Andra had to explain to every airport employee that this is her first time flying coach, it’s not looking great.