The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Let’s Get Physical

Or as Brandi would say in Dutch, “Let’s get physical.”

Has a Eurotrip ever looked so simultaneously amazing and terrifying? I mean, that cooking class looked legit as hell, and both the city and the people of Copenhagen are so charming I could cry. But that first-night fight, you guys. That was a tough hang. That was the stuff of my 8th grade class’ overnight trip to St. Louis. Except, honestly, our fights were more constructive. Although, if one of the girls decided to purposely get wasted to prove she wasn’t an alcoholic, I’m pretty sure Brandi is what she would have looked like.

Also, let me just get this out of the way right now so you know what page I’m on. When it comes to Kameron, D’ANDRA. IS. RIGHT. This is the mossy Dutch hill I will die on.

On that note, we start the episode with D’Andra non-jokingly referring to coach as “back-of-the-plane class” which is the most privileged this woman, who once only spent $5,000 shopping in an effort to be frugal, has ever sounded. The group files onto a fancy bus with champagne, so I immediately started counting down the seconds until someone called it champs with a hard “ch”. (It was .01 seconds and then just under two minutes, and it was LeeAnne both times.)

This bus ride turns out to be pretty prophetic, really. Cary gives them the itinerary and explains that they’re going to have “a chill day” today, which is Housewives code for “shits gonna go down.” Kameron, still absolutely obliterated on Xanax, announces that she “will wear a leather jacket to be hip!” and, egged on by LeeAnne, starts speaking like a “gangster rapper” and repeats “hey, ho” with all the enthusiasm of Travis Scott explaining how he first met Kylie in that GQ video. Cary says, “nuh-uh.” Yes, Cary. Then Kam spills her champagne all over D’Andra and says, without even a hint of subtlety, “karma’s a bitch.” This chill day’s tone is set!

The women and every piece of luggage in America arrive to the lovely Nobis Hotel, which apparently has a Michelin-starred restaurant where the women will later ruin experiences for several diners. Picking the rooms is remarkably chill (take note, Ramona!) and alcohol is handed out at almost every stage of settling in. I love this hotel.

As the women unpack, and Kameron essentially sets up a trunk show, we get a sense of what this trip is really going to be about, and it’s definitely not Cary’s cousin’s album release party. It’s a little bit about D’Andra’s husband’s mural reveal party, but mainly, D’Andra has finally realized that the only thing “Dallas society” would be gossiping about is the butt darts/K-cup thing that I guess will never die, and the only person she thinks would have “leaked the information” is Kameron. This actually makes some sense to me.

Also, Brandi has her own little plan going on, and Stephanie correctly dubs it a dumb idea. Basically, she’s going to get wasted at the fancy dinner in order to confront LeeAnne about calling her an alcoholic. She says she feels #IBD, which stands for I Be Drinking and not Inflammatory Bowel Disease like I assumed. “I don’t think that pretending to be an alcoholic to have a conversation is the way to go about it,” Steph says. “It just seems very passive aggressive.” Steph may not know how to locate where she is on a map, but she’s wise in other ways.

The girls get SO GLAM for this dinner and we get the first of two slow-mo tracking shots of them entering a scene. All the types of people you meet at a fancy dinner are at this table. There’s the one who doesn’t know what anything on the menu is (Stephanie — though, to be fair, I thought it was weird that everyone was just like oh yeah sweetbread is the thymus gland everyone knows that). There’s the one who refuses to expand her palate and try anything (Kameron — who just wants American food, like quesadillas). There’s the fancy food bitch who feels very in their element among limited menus (Cary). There’s not always a drunk one, but it’s Brandi, who takes approximately 10 shots before her plan immediately gets foiled by Kameron’s need to interject herself in the D’Andra/LeeAnne drama. It’s wild. We watch each shot hit her in real time and when the dinner is finally over she says, “I have no idea what happened.”

Holy shit this D’Andra/Kameron fight, you guys. There’s so much happening it’s hard to know what to touch on, so I’m going to go a little off topic. Please bear with me. Okay, so I have no interest in seeing The Nutcracker and the Four Realms because I’m not a child and don’t really know any children, but I have read a few amazing articles about Keira Knightley’s bonkers performance as the Sugar Plum Fairy, and I couldn’t help but think of them as I witnessed Kameron lose her damn mind in Copenhagen. SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE NUTCRACKER MOVIE. Essentially, Knightley’s Sugar Plum Fairy, who speaks with an insane, childlike voice and can eat her own pink hair, does a heel-turn at some point in the moive and attempts to maliciously take over the world. (Or the realms? Whatever.)

Kameron is the Sugar Plum Fairy. She has an at-times incomprehensible voice, loves pink, would totally eat her own hair if she could, and seems pretty innocent and unassuming UNTIL SHE’S NOT. Within minutes, she says she “doesn’t have a mean bone in her body,” and also yells, “You are disgusting! It’s a very slippery slope from a butt plug to a butt dart.” (I think she meant that the other way around as a diss to butt plugs, but whatever.) “I’m so disgusted, I could literally barf all over her,” she says. Ew.

Now, here’s where I get really lost. D’Andra was calm and collected as hell during this whole thing, and yet, everyone is yelling at her to calm down. Kameron is freaking out about being attacked at Jeremy’s mural reveal party, but a flashback to that mural reveal party confirms that D’Andra was just expressing to Kameron how she felt attacked at the cooking party. D’Andra is in the right, right? Why is she the one on the outs here?

Everyone seems to side with Kam back in the hotel room (why?). When D’Andra attempts to accuse of her being the one who leaked to “Dallas society” about the butt darts, things get a little physical. (OVER BUTT DARTS.) Here’s how it goes down: LeeAnne interjects, D’Andra tells her shut up. LeeAnne tells her not to put her finger in her face. D’Andra does pull LeeAnne’s hair a little and it clearly takes every ounce of strength LeeAnne has not to punch her. D’Andra triggered LeeAnne’s amygdala! (Remember that?)

But we all know this isn’t really about butt darts. I don’t know what this is about for Kam, but LeeAnne does seem to shed a little light on what this deeply sad feud between her and D’Andra might actually be about when Brandi, referring to D’Andra, says, “That’s your best friend.” LeeAnne replies, “No, she’s not. I’m her best friend. I’ve always been her best friend. I’ve always given and taken anything she wanted to say, and do, and speak about me. And you know what? Loved her anyway. I’m done.” Sad!

She also finally says the panty liner line, but surely you know that by heart now.

Also, I’d be remiss in not mentioning Intentionally Drunk Brandi trying to separate the group during the elevator portion of the fight, a moment I watched about five times this morning because I love it so.

Had to.

Day two is incredibly tame in comparison. During the afternoon, some people go “beering,” where Stephanie and Brandi discover “Jerry’s Hole” and make it dirty. Others go cooking.

At night, the group once again gets super glam, this time for a super chill show in “the Deep Ellum of Copenhagen” for the album release party of Cary’s effortlessly beautiful cousin Camilla. Is she like the Dutch version of The Good Place’s Kamilah? Which makes me wonder, which — if any — of these women would end up in The Good Place? Steph maybe? Definitely Trey the Assistant, a scholar and a saint. Actually, on second thought, do not wonder about that. This show isn’t conducive to philosophical thinking. It cracks and crumbles under the pressure, just like Kam’s feet when she wears one pair of shoes for two hours. But it is kind of fun to think about Ted Danson lecturing LeeAnne Locken on the thin line between accusing and implying.

Back at the hotel, Brandi finally sees an opening to confront LeeAnne about calling her an alcoholic. I’d get into it, but I’m certain we’ll still be on that topic next week. Plus, this recap is already way too long. But guys! This was the best episode of RHOD we’ve had. Ever. How dare Bravo push these women back an hour for NEW JERSEY!?

Until next week, when nude Mark (???) makes his Denmark debut.


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