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The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Attack of the Clone

Other headline options included "Just a Little Ginger" or “L’Infinity Dress For Success.” I’m thankful this subhead lets me have them all.  

Happy Thanksgiving, sweet readers. I hope you’re all well and with the ones you love. I’m currently writing this recap on a Southwest plane. I’m drinking a Bloody Mary as the sun comes up. And, like you, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around how a dress, even with both white and red attachments, could be worn 175 different ways, all of which were captured on film and used to create a “stop-motion video.” In the words of Cary, “That’s a lot of ways.”

Anyway, we begin this penultimate episode with an adult woman throwing a tantrum in a Michelin-starred restaurant in a city where she does not speak the language. That tantrum revolves around that adult woman, Brandi, being called an alcoholic. Knowing these ladies as we now do, you can predict how it all goes down. LeeAnne lets Kameron do the talking for her as she mentally bangs that bowl, Stephanie continues to look like a deer in headlights, D’Andra has the power to say and do things but says and does nothing, and Cary, like the fancy food bitch she is, just wants to eat in peace. The only crazy thing that happens is that Brandi is initially blazer-less, then suddenly, moments later, BOOM, she’s blazer-ed up. What did the editing team cut out? What did they not want us to see!?

After Brandi tells the table they’re all a bunch of fake bitches (I’m convinced Brandi is mentally trapped in her high school days and that lame diss does not help her case), she storms out, leaving a cloud of awkwardness in her wake as she makes her way to some bar. D’Andra and Stephanie are torn. They feel stuck in the middle of Brandi and LeeAnne’s fight, both afraid to choose and not to choose sides. “Everybody’s stuck in the middle because we’re all friends with each other!” asserts Cary. Okay, I don’t mean to be unkind on Thanksgiving, and I do believe Cary has friends, but these aren’t them. It’s probably for the best.

Also, Stephanie, knowing she needs to go to Brandi’s side at that bar, but not wanting to dismiss her other friend entirely, advises LeeAnne not to dig so deep and say things like “you’re an alcoholic!” when she’s mad. To this, LeeAnne actually says, “When I’m hurting, I cut you off at the ankles and watch you try to crawl away as you’re bleeding to death.” WOAH.

D’Andra and Steph go to that bar with Brandi. Kam and Cary stay behind with LeeAnne and the food. Lines are drawn in the blood from the ankles of LeeAnne’s enemies!

We’re back in Dallas, where Kameron can finally eat American food, like milkshakes and salads, and Stephanie is advised to water her wilted flowers with Svedka by the only RHOD man whose presence I find calming, Trey. While eating salads, Kam and Cary (#TeamLeeAnne I guess), touch down on the “friend probation” that D’Andra is on with Kam. Cary understandably thinks it’s a joke, but she should know by now Kam doesn’t joke. Just as Milford men are neither seen nor heard, a Westcott woman does not joke! The two women do think LeeAnne was joking about cloning Brandi’s phone though. (Did anyone else Google “phone cloning” and remain utterly confused? I don’t mean to be ageist, but if I, a millennial, can’t figure it out, how does anyone think LeeAnne could?)

While we’re on Kam, we do get some solid insight into the Chunk situation this episode. You remember Chunk, the chubby bulldog who made his first and only appearance during the packing-for-Copenhagen montage. Chunk, dog brother to Louis, a daintier dog who wears Cavalli and has made countless RHOD appearances, especially if you include his cartoon face on all the Sparkle Dog bags. Chunk, whose likeness I do not believe was painted at that dog paint party (correction: it was!), and who is not, like Louis, getting a Sparkle Dog necklace. But while Kam was abroad, canine roles were reversed — Louis was banished to the first level at night, and Chunk was finally allowed upstairs in bed with Court. #JusticeForChunk.

But also, #JusticeForKam, because Court and all the Courts of the world won. Convinced she has to be CEO of the house before she can be CEO of Sparkle Dog, Kam decides to spend less time on her company, and hire a “dog industry partner.” These two really need to watch The Intern. I won’t spoil anything, but this situation is essentially the exact opposite of what happens at the end of the thoughtful and heartwarming Nancy Meyers movie The Intern, starring a charming Robert De Niro. When Kam mourns the fact that Court won’t let her have another baby, Court says, “Sell more Sparkle Dog and spend less on tacky pillows and maybe we’ll talk about another kid.” I can’t and I won’t.

Cary heads to D’Andra’s to get glam for the fashion show featuring LeeAnne’s mindboggling L’Infinity dress in all its 175 iterations. The glam room at the Simmons-Lock household also seems to be some sort of… trophy room? There are framed articles and countless glamour shots of D’Andra. There’s both a vanity and vanity, if you catch my drift. Cary drops the “friend probation” news, because you can’t tell Cary anything, and decides to put chains in her hair to be “hip, fun, and different.”

The fashion show happens, maybe at lunch. Now, I’ve certainly never put on a fashion show or designed anything fashion show-worthy, so I really can’t comment, but I do know that, contrary to what Kam said, this is not what New York Fashion Week feels like. I still think this dress is a damn good idea though. When it’s all said and done, LeeAnne is introduced as the “Queen Bee” of Dallas, which D’Andra takes as a personal affront, and tells her audience to “spread love then spread your legs.” I guess!

Everybody, sans an absent Brandi and Steph, gathers to congratulate LeeAnne and dig into #Clonegate, which was mercifully abridged from D’Andra’s original #CellPhoneClonegate. But guys, IT WAS JUST A JOKE. Obviously! So funny, right? LeeAnne just wanted to teach Brandi a lesson. You see, she thought Brandi stole her phone, so she pretended to have Rich (Rich, no) pretend to download some software that could fake clone all of Brandi’s personal data. Or something. I’m fuzzy on the details since they’re not real.

LeeAnne tells the women, “I lived for it. It was like ice cream at the end of the day.” In a testimonial, she says, “The other women refuse to see Brandi’s mean girl side. Brandi gets away with it because she’s just a little ginger. Gingerly sweet with a side of asshole [it was bleeped so, I think?] like nobody’s seen.” Woah. And ew.

Those villain-ready lines end our episode, and cue us up for a finale where LeeAnne, like a raven hair-extensioned phoenix rising from the ashes of a meditation bowl, eschews her hard-earned zen and finger pokes the hell out of Brandi at Travis’ Harvard sendoff party.

And for that, I am thankful.

 

 

 

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