Television

The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Where’s Dee?

Cary dated Lance Armstrong?

This episode was real tame after that elevator ride from hell last week. D’Andra and LeeAnne sort of made up, Cary’s charming cousins charmed, we learned that Mark’s a “grower not a show-er” (ugh), and the women wear whimsical Danish costumes. It’s fine. The only person putting in any real work this episode is Brandi, and she is working real hard. I guess she has to make up for the spotlight she lost when Kam and D’Andra foiled her bulletproof get-drunk-to-prove-she’s-not-an-alcoholic plan on the first night. It happens!

But, in addition to drama, someone else was sorely missed this episode: Dee, the true Grande Dame of Dallas. I always want more Dee, and will never be satisfied with the Dee I’m given (please don’t make this dirty, not around Dee), but I’ve never missed her presence more than in this opening scene between Kameron and D’Andra. For some reason, D’Andra decides she needs to apologize to Kam. (For what? Telling her that her mother-in-law hurt her feelings? Staying calm and composed as a Copenhagen hotel room burned around her?) D’Andra is tearful and sincere while Kam, at least on the surface, is seriously lacking empathy. (Maybe this is all Kam can give?)

Dee would never allow this. Dee would tear into that little enclave of minimalistic Danish chairs, grab D’Andra by the hand, and yell with bravado, “We don’t give two dogs’ rips!” That’s the show I want to watch.

But alas, that’s not the show I’m given. The show I’m given kicks off “Day 3” in Copenhagen with Brandi fake farting (or real farting?) on Cary, who says, “I hate you.”

The two group activities for “Day 3” are either drinking on a boat, or biking. Surprisingly, the biking turns out to be the more revealing of the two activities. Because of biking, Cary casually drops that she once dated Lance Armstrong. Some half-assed internet research confirms (as much as a Life & Style article can) a mid-aughts romance, and also confirms that Cary dated Derek Jeter. This feels like the right time to say that I recently dated a guy whose uncle also dated Cary. GET IT, CARY.

Biking is also responsible for the first of Brandi’s many jabs towards LeeAnne this episode. When Cary announces that LeeAnne will be boating, not biking, Brandi says, in a weirdly upbeat tone, “I wish you were going biking so I could see you look like the Wicked Witch!” Damn, that’s mean. LeeAnne is understandably hurt (and probably confused about the bright tenor in which that hurtful comment was delivered) and finds a small, buttery leather couch to cry on with Steph and Kam. She doesn’t understand why she’s the bad one, just for calling someone an alcoholic, when D’Andra did something “way more violent.” Okay, unless something crucial was edited out last week, is she just talking about D’Andra finger poking her in the chest? I mean, that’s not great, but LeeAnne once alluded to physically harming people with her not-knife hands. I would think her standards for violence would be a bit higher.

Steph, D’Andra, and LeeAnne go boating. Brandi, Cary, and Kam go biking. It doesn’t really matter, though, because the two groups find each other pretty quickly in the middle of Copenhagen. (Coincidence!) They all start jumping on random sidewalk trampolines and try to tandem ride bikes that aren’t meant to be tandem ridden. (Whimsy!)

D’Andra, LeeAnne, and Steph slip into a cute little sidewalk café and I’m pretty sure Steph says something like, “I need to make sure my grandmas are doing good today.” AGE SHAME. But Steph’s presence, a calming force, is necessary to mediate this very uneventful conversation with LeeAnne and D’Andra. It’s so obvious that this slightly tearful back-and-forth isn’t going to stick that nothing really stands out, except LeeAnne saying that she wishes she could turn back time, like Cher.

That being said, we do get some interesting insight into LeeAnne’s soul when she scoops up some beer bottle caps from the table and puts them in her purse. She’s sentimental! She still has the bouquet she carried in D’Andra’s wedding. And the boutonniere and the invitation! Steph is right when assures her that this is sweet, not stupid.

Later, still on “Day 3,” the women don cartoon-ish Danish costumes (why is LeeAnne’s so matronly, and does she not know how to skip?) and go to Tivoli Gardens, which is “an artsy amusement park in the center of Copenhagen,” according to Cary. Brandi uses this excursion to once again dig into LeeAnne, and you can tell she has a lot of rage still bottled-up from that night she intentionally got drunk to prove she wasn’t an alcoholic. She says she’s NOT SORRY that LeeAnne’s feelings were hurt because of that really mean Wicked Witch comment because LeeAnne called her an alcoholic and spread a rumor that she and Brian adopted a baby to save their marriage. (I don’t think LeeAnne so much started this rumor as much as just told Brandi about it, but whatever.)

LeeAnne: You don’t have to [apologize], Brandi. I don’t expect you to.
Brandi: Well then I should have just called you a wicked bitch.
L: I apologized, Brandi. It’s clear that you don’t want to accept it. You’re getting agitated and angry and nothing good is going to come from fighting.
B: (now visibly shaking with rage) Do you know why I’m agitated and angry? It’s because it’s going to f***ing happen again, LeeAnne. It’s going to happen again. And that’s why I feel done with you!

THIS IS THE SPEECH SHE’S BEEN WAITING TO GIVE.

It’s “Copenhagen Day 4”! The women go to meet Cary’s cousins in the most charming Copenhagen home filled with books, gallery walls, and warmth. Mark and Zuri show up, which is very sweet, and also sparks our second furtive glimpse into the mysterious soul of LeeAnne Locken, who says, “This is what life is about: family. This is the one thing I don’t have. This is beautiful to watch, and to be a part of, just for a second.” That is tough stuff. It’s sadder than that Devil Wears Prada scene where you find out Meryl’s love life is constantly suffering because of her career and she takes off all her makeup.

After Stephanie explains that spiced herring tastes like “salty asshole,” we head to the Baltic Sea for one of those polar bear plunge things. All the Europeans and Cary get completely nude while the rest of the women wear bathing suits. D’Andra captures America’s hangups about sex and nudity best when she says, “I don’t want to know what any of my best friends’ husbands’ penis look like.” I feel that, though.

Speaking of best friends’ husbands’ penises, we don’t see Mark’s, but Cary does say, in a testimonial, “This is the infamous Deuber Dick that allegedly got sucked at The Round-Up. Feast your eyes, ladies. Feast your eyes!” Then, upon coming out of the water, she declares, “Mark’s a grower not a show-er,” which then becomes the actual title of this episode. Poor Mark.

Oh, LeeAnne filmed Brandi topless — Brandi, who kept on underwear, bridged the gap between American and Europe in the Baltic — and it’s not going to be okay.

How not okay is it going to be? It dominates the conversation in the fancy bus ride home, where Brandi says, “You’re a manipulative f***ing bitch and that’s why you were taking a video because you want to use it against us.” That’s pretty not okay. Then it rules the discussion again at yet another Michelin-starred restaurant, much to Cary’s horror.

Also, I just want to take this opportunity to express to anyone outside of Dallas who may be reading this, our city’s culinary scene is wonderful and diverse. When it comes to eating, these women are pills.

Back to the Brandi/LeeAnne fight though, in which Brandi yells something about “sunny side up titties.” I’m torn. I want to believe LeeAnne was videoing in the name of “saving a memory,” mainly because I find LeeAnne a lot easier to root for than Brandi, but given their history, Brandi is justified in being concerned. And I know that Bravo was also filming during the Baltic skinny dip, a fact Kameron broke the fourth wall in a testimonial to remind us of, but that’s a little bit different. Bravo will blur things out and won’t potentially use the footage as leverage. (They presumably have a contract for that.)

Personally, I think Brandi should just embrace the influence of European culture and start riding hard for “Free the Nips” advocates, but I respect her right to feel disrespected. Especially because LeeAnne apparently clones her phone (!!!)  in the next episode. Damn it, LeeAnne. We were all rooting for you!

Until next week. When does this season end? I know they’ve filmed the reunion, but when will it air? When will I finally be free? Free from investing in this drama. Free from carefully typing the punctuation and camelcase in D’Andra and LeeAnne’s names.  Does anyone know? I bet Dee knows. Please help.

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