CARY FOREVER

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The Real Housewives of Dallas Finale Recap: Clueless

Season three is officially over. Let’s get “butt-wasted.”

They say all good things must come to an end. The same goes for things that you think are good. You’re pretty sure, anyway. It’s sort of a week-to-week situation. The Real Housewives of Dallas’ third season is over, so let’s reflect.

What did we learn? What did we get? A convertible dress to end all convertible dresses? Edible dog glitter (just “in the works” though)? An elevator ride more dramatic than Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s? That kangaroo came back. What did the women learn? Brandi adopted a baby and went from being accused of Adderall abuse to alcohol abuse. (Two developments that really do not go together.) D’Andra inherited a company, again. LeeAnne sort of successfully maintained her composure and zen for 15 episodes, just to have it all unravel during the last fifteen minutes of the season like the white or red sleeve of a L’Infinity dress.

But I guess we’ll get into all that during the reunion. Today, let’s just focus on that frat party, which was basically the entire episode. Sure, Rich and LeeAnne went the progressive Cathedral of Hope in Oak Lawn and do appear to have set a date (April 27, baby), but I’m getting so tired of Rich’s whole reluctant fiancé shtick that I’ve already erased it from my brain. Rich seems like a nice guy, but when does it stop being funny to act like it’s a burden to marry the person you asked to marry you? (Hint: immediately.)

Stephanie regaled us with a frat house sex story while her assistant Trey unboxed all the college-themed paraphernalia for Travis’ party. (I think I’ll miss Trey most of all.) Dee sets up a private room and a podium at Jalisco Norte to act very demure and tell D’Andra, “I woke up this morning and knew it was your time to shine.” (Just kidding, I’ll miss Dee most of all.)

LeeAnne is “at the point where Brandi’s stupid,” which is a scholarly thing to say, and Kam doesn’t want to get Travis a gift for his frat party because the only thing people are concerned with at frat parties is getting “butt-wasted.” I do have to hand it to Kam, a woman who wouldn’t go to foam parties at SMU because she thought they were riddled with diseases. As LeeAnne speaks to her with growing intensity, she is so unfazed. At one point, LeeAnne explains that she’s shunning Peaceful LeeAnne for Bitch LeeAnne who wants to “show up to kick y’all’s asses.” Kam deadpan replies, “I know you want to do that.” I think I really like Kam, a woman who wanted help washing her extensions in a bathtub.

That being said, Cher from Clueless, an iconic high school character, is not on theme. Kam looks amazing, though. I hope she kept it and wore it for Halloween, or for Court or something.

Let’s touch down on the other outfits for this party. D’Andra, with her ponytail and riff on a Supreme t-shirt, put in zero effort. (She late redeems herself with a keg stand.) Brandi fit into her high school cheerleading uniform, which is impressive, but her college cheerleading uniform would have been way more frat. LeeAnne twinsied it up with Kam, but added her own LeeAnne twist with clashing plaid tights and spirited pigtails. (Cher would be totally buggin.) Steph wore a Harvard Community College shirt, which was fun, and looked incredible with minimal eye makeup. But they all basically looked like trash compared to Cary who looked SO DAMN GOOD. Points for wearing exactly what college kids wear to frat parties (“just crop tops and bootie shorts”). Points for looking better than any college kid in a college kid ensemble. Points for tossing her empty solo cup at a dramatic LeeAnne. So frat.

But actually, everything I’ve written before this paragraph is also basically trash, because the only thing worth talking about this episode is the exorcism of LeeAnne Locken. But, like, a reverse exorcism, where you end up kind of demon-y. I know it sounds harsh (way harsh) to call someone demon-y, and it is, but I don’t know what else to think about what went down in that mansion’s backyard. It was a scene. Her personality and posture shifted entirely. Her eyes narrowed. Her nostrils flared. On Watch What Happens live last night, Andy Cohen asked her if she hissed, and she didn’t say no. It was pretty demon-y! But honestly, I’d get pretty demon-y too if Brandi pushed every last one of my buttons the way she did with LeeAnne. Also, Brandi’s “joke” about LeeAnne not going to college was deeply unfunny.

Cary pulls LeeAnne away from Brandi in the nick of time. LeeAnne sits by a table and delivers a soliloquy (in an accent I really wish she would stop using) to seemingly no one. And just when I’m wondering if there’s anyone worth rooting for on RHOD at all anymore, Cary, our hero, finally steps in to prove her reality TV worth as a no-nonsense den mother. She understands exactly what happened with LeeAnne (she jumps to aggression when she’s backed into a corner, and Brandi actively tries to make it worse). She acknowledges that LeeAnne was targeted and provoked, but doesn’t put up with any of her dramatics. When LeeAnne sprawls herself out on the grass to weep to the heavens, Cary literally pours one out for her, tossing her empty solo cup on LeeAnne’s limp body. LeeAnne exclaims, “I’m so f***ing alone!” to which Cary groans, “You’re not alone, I’m sitting here,” and tells her to get up. YES, CARY.

And that’s pretty much it! We get those weird where-are-they-now freeze frames, but the only thing we really learn is that Kam is developing a Sparkle Dog Spray made of edible glitter, which I’m pretty into, honestly. Also, Mark Deuber’s $70,000 stove has more Instagram followers than I do.

Until the reunion, where it looks like Dee makes a Maury-style appearance. Does it look dramatic as hell? “Does a snake drag its ass?”

Thank you for your time.

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