courtesy of Bravo


The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Battle of the Brunchers

Where’s Cary?

Man, there was a lot of age-shaming this episode. It was mostly directed at LeeAnne, but also at D’Andra. I mean, it was kind of playful, but is age-shaming ever really playful? That vaginal rejuvenation “joke” was particularly rough stuff. I guess the “’80s Ladies” of it all drove the women to assess where they were when Aqua Net was the connecting force between LeeAnne’s hair and God. To recap: LeeAnne was graduating high school, Cary was graduating middle school, and Kameron was just being born into the pretty pink bubble that she’s yet to escape from.

Speaking of vaginal rejuvenation, the topic first comes up during a sort of battle of the brunches opening sequence that will most likely bond the women at these boozy meals in alliances that will take us through season three. The first grouping is so odd that it just may work. It happens at Lark on the Park and it’s as thus: Kameron, LeeAnne, and Stephanie. LeeAnne says that Steph and Kam should absolutely be friends because they’re basically Barbie and Skipper. (But which is which? It matters!) I guess this makes LeeAnne… Midge?

After mimosas and a tequila shot (get it, ladies), this wild exchange happens.

LeeAnne to Stephanie: You missed the Rodeo where Brandi brought a hose with a funnel on the end. (Flash to LeeAnne doing a beer bong and almost vomiting.)

Steph to no one in particular: Brandi, do you just buy this stuff and keep it in your crotch? It’s so funny!

LeeAnne: I know what I’m getting her for Christmas (pause for effect)… VAGINAL REJUVENATION.

Steph: Yes, I’m doing that!

LeeAnne: No you’re not.

Steph: For, like, urinary reasons. Leakage. After you have a baby.

LeeAnne: That happens to me too and I’ve never had a baby.

Kam: Oh right, just from age. (AGE BURN.)

Meanwhile, at Feed Company, Brandi and D’Andra are splitting a bottle of rosé because Brandi has a nanny now, damn it! The topic, of course, turns to LeeAnne, whom D’Andra feels isn’t opening up to her the way she used to. She’s heard that Rich is unfaithful (ugh, not sweet, foxy Rich!), and she thinks LeeAnne is refusing to tell her. (I’m not sure that pushing her friend to the brink is the best way to get her to share her truth, but to each their own.) Brandi thinks LeeAnne is jealous of D’Andra.

Basically, Brandi, who has accused Kameron of being LeeAnne’s puppet, is assuming the role of D’Andra’s puppet by taking on all D’Andra’s LeeAnne issues as her own. Brandiland is a strange, confusing, and irony-filled place.

Cary is neither seen, heard, nor mentioned.

Okay, there are two LGBTQ fundraising events happening this episode which is wonderful, but kind of confusing. Both have the word “tie” in them. The first is a more casual Black Tie Dinner kickoff party at The Hall on Dragon, which I think was hosted by LeeAnne based on her mayoral aura throughout the event. Later, we’ll have the ’80s-themed No Tie Dinner & Dessert Party at the Frontiers of Flight Museum, honorary co-hosted (a thing) by Kameron.

The most important thing that happens during the first event is that D’Andra and Brandi show up super late and Brandi is a drunk cartoon come to life. She’s slowly swaying around an axis and cannot keep her eyes open. She looks good in D’Andra’s sick striped shirt and jewels though. LeeAnne and Brandi fight about the same thing they’ve been fighting about since, like, season one, but Brandi is FAR too drunk to be having this or any conversation. She literally cannot open her eyes. I know it’s not great because it’s a charity event, but it is a pretty baller move to brunch so hard that you keep right on boozing into an evening cocktail party. A party which happened on a Thursday, no less!

The next day, Kameron goes to Court’s office for a conference call and he is FLUMMOXED when some man tells her he can see Sparkle Dog on shelves in Japan. He fist bumps her. Great.

Then it’s time for that vaj rejuv at the Lemmon Avenue Laser Center where Cary and Mark work, because I guess we have to find a way to work Cary onto this show. Cary says, “Stephanie’s vagina is so tight, Travis is going to think he’s in the wrong hole.” Ugh, Cary.

After the rejuv, Stephanie proves she would have been a wonderful kindergarten teacher by delicately delivering this sage lesson to Cary, with whom no secret —big, small, or possibly untrue — is safe this season: *“I feel like the honesty thing is awesome, but don’t get so paranoid that you feel like you have to be so honest to where it feels like you’re stirring the pot by telling people things. You’re overcompensating by saying everything and putting everything out there. But sometimes, I feel like people can take it the wrong way when you’re putting all of their stuff and all of your stuff out there.”

Cary nods, but she clearly isn’t taking any of it in, much like a kindergartner.

It’s ’80’s Ladies time. Trey, a hero and Stephanie’s assistant, is gluing the backs of earrings onto an Invisalign to create braces for Steph’s prom queen look. The end result is so good. I SEE YOU, TREY. Brandi shows up as Redfoo from LMFAO and there’s a frank discussion about losing your virginity that’s pretty charming, actually. Stephanie lost hers in a closet.

All the women arrive to the Frontiers of Flight Museum, and D’Andra and LeeAnne’s looks are so stunning. Seriously. How is this ’80s party my favorite look from either of these women all season? What does that mean!? LeeAnne delivers the last and final age burn of the episode by saying, “D’Andra nailed the ’80s. She looks like she did yesterday.” It’s more of dress-your-age burn, but an age burn nonetheless.

At one point, Cary says that she doesn’t think LeeAnne should be judging Brandi for “cocktailing” at the Black Tie kickoff party. Correct, Cary. Later, she yells, “I’m a work in progress!” Yes, Cary.

Oh God, it’s time for LeeAnne and Brandi to face off… again. Brandi solidifies her puppet-ness by asking the exact same, super personal question D’Andra has been asking all season: “Why haven’t you set a date?” Geez, let an ’80s lady live!

But then LeeAnne goes IRL where the other women only dared to go in the safety of testimonials by asking Brandi, “How would you feel if I was questioning you and Bryan right now and, you know… was this baby just to save your marriage?” Woah.

Now, I’m not condoning this comment. It is cruel and nasty af. But it is nice to see LeeAnne finally get off the sidelines and start fighting back. It’s no throwing a plastic flute of Champagne to the ground and screaming, “BE REAL CAREFUL!”, but baby steps, right?

Next week, we get the face off we’ve all actually been waiting for: LeeAnne and Mark. She knows the boys who did it!


*Not condensed and edited for clarity.


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