Queen Dee, probably vetoing soft pouches.

Television

The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Save a Horse, Ride a Lion

No more soft pouches!

In the seven days since we last visited the ladies, a lot has happened. Ariana Grande finally ascended to her rightful place in the top-tier of pop stars. There were some intense headlines out of D.C., even for 2018. We also pissed off every Texan who doesn’t live in Dallas with our taco talk.

But here, on Bravo, nothing has changed. It’s still the night of D’Andra and Jeremy’s fourth anniversary. We’re still in Bill Hutchinson’s gold-plated manse, where he’s still saying that in Dallas, we do crazy s***. LeeAnne’s friend, Jenn with two Ns, announces once again that LeeAnne and Rich are getting married that night and that is not a nice to just spring on your “friend.” Rich attempts to hide his entire body behind his eye patch. He looks ill, and I guess he was because he announced “I sharted,” which is something I haven’t heard stated with such sincerity since the second grade. Rich can still get it though.

D’Andra and Jeremy get up to give a speech about their first meeting six years ago. D’Andra says that, within five minutes, she knew she would marry him. Jeremy says that, within three minutes, he was already having sex with her in his head. It’s too late for me to find a fainting couch because I’ve already fainted. He actually says, “My wife is hot and I’m still horny.” I’ve died.

But the most crucial aspect of this all-important celebration of a fourth anniversary is Stephanie and LeeAnne’s burgeoning friendship. Stephanie decides to open up to LeeAnne about her struggle with depression and her attempted suicide because she felt that if she shared a not-so-pretty part of herself with LeeAnne, she might see her in a different light. LeeAnne does, of course, and so do I. This whole conversation is so real and authentic, and I’m glad Brandi wasn’t here to get in the way of these two finally connecting. She does eventually arrive after dinner and without an RSVP, which is a garbage thing to do whether D’Andra Adderall-shamed her on a podcast or not.

Everyone seems soused, but Stephanie is the sousiest. That’s fine though because she’s your adorable drunk friend who just wants to hug you and tell you how much she loves you. She also does what I’ve always wanted to do when I’m driving down Lakeside Drive and attempts to mount one of Bill Hutchinson’s stone lions.

We find ourselves at Dee and D’Andra’s Ultimate Living office, and you should know that as I was Googling where said office is, I came across this absolutely incredible picture on a site called VTN, “Your Arkansas Christian Connection,” which I feel explains a lot about this company. And speaking of explanations, we get a remarkable amount of them in rapid succession. Here’s what we know: Dee reneged on her season two decision to give D’Andra the “keys” to the company. But Dee did give D’Andra her salary so she could rebrand Ultimate Living, and is only receiving half her salary for two years. (Makes sense?) Dee also really hates soft pouches. When D’Andra remarks that her mother doesn’t need any of that money for two years, Dee responds, “I don’t need it at all. I don’t need it ever.” (That’s fire.) But here’s the thing. She’s worked too long and too hard to let people make mistakes with a company she spent 22 years building, and, damnit, those soft ass pouches are a mistake!

And we’re not even done!

Dee launches into this intense convo about how mother-daughter relationships can be difficult because a lot of mothers and daughters are jealous of each other, particularly if they’re good looking. She then tells D’Andra that she’s a good looking woman, but that, at 77, she herself is “not a slob that’s for sure.” (ACCURATE, BUT WHAT’S THE POINT?) D’Andra says she’s not jealous of her and never has been. Dee sternly states, “Let’s just say that we’re both popular.” Ryan Murphy really needs to be studying these women.

I’d be remiss in recapping this exchange without including an incredible line from D’Andra’s ITM. “Who’s jealous of who here? I’m 28 years younger than you. My skin is flawless. I’m happily married. And my face moves when I have an expression.” An aged-up Lea Michele could play the role of a lifetime as D’Andra.

At Stephanie’s house, complete with its $1.7 million in renovations, she sits down with her mom to talk about her aforementioned suicide attempt at age 22. This is such a great example of someone actually using this ridiculous Bravo platform for good. It’s rare to see a Housewife being so genuine and open. She goes into some detail about her experience, and to think that beautiful, sweet Stephanie ever didn’t feel like she was enough is so heartbreaking. (*If you’re in Dallas this weekend, she and LeeAnne will be at Nordstrom’s Ebar in Northpark from 10am to noon on Saturday to talk about mental health.)

A few other things happen this episode. LeeAnne (sporting her new signature style: statement sleeves) shows up to a store called Demerara (?) to see a dress she designed (???) that, according to Bravo’s clever chyron, can be worn 38 ways. I actually don’t hate this dress. I’d like to buy it and convert it for every wedding I’m asked to be a bridesmaid in. But this scene isn’t about the dress. This is about LeeAnne’s simply wild platitudes. While in this store called Demerara, she literally says, “I am the dress. The collections that you add to it are the lessons that I learn.” What? “As this dress becomes something for everyone, so do I.” Sorry? Then, she and her stylist, Jeannette, say in unison, “If I can transform myself, I can transform the world.” David Sunshine’s influence is clearly far more potent than Adderrall.

Also, Cary and Mark and their daughter Zuri — a five-year-old who calls her parents “Cary” and “Mark” so now I love her — are staying in Cary’s parents’ house while they renovate their own. Sometimes I forget that Mark is human man and not just a guy who gets his d*** sucked at the Round-Up. (ALLEGEDLY.) In Plano, we find out that, in addition to Sugar, a tiny dog who seems to be in a constant state of panic, Brandi’s household also encompasses a rabbit. This is far too much. Even for Plano.

This episode ends at another too-brightly lit party, thrown by Stephanie to celebrate Bruin’s adoption. I was worried Steph might pull a Ramona Singer and make the whole thing about herself and her home renovation, but this pure soul is dedicated to this surprise baby announcement. She’s so dedicated, in fact, that when Kameron and her pink pussy-bow blouse figure the whole thing out, Stephanie tells her that she has a surrogate and the baby is hers. Personally, I would have just let Kameron have that one, but it was fun to watch Stephanie’s husband Travis utterly fail to act natural when he gets pulled into the facade.

D’Andra, LeeAnne, and their unfathomable ponytails arrive. Cary is also there.

Bruin Charles Redmond makes his grand entrance and Kameron is… pissed she didn’t know about him? I don’t know how all of this will play out in Crested Butte next week, but I’m sure it will not be a good look.

See you in Colorado!

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