I think I like Cary now?


The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: PJs on the PJ

Enjoy your baby and your Adderall.

Something really strange happened this episode. Something I never could have anticipated. It wasn’t LeeAnne’s bedazzled, two-finger crab ring or strawberry earrings. It wasn’t that Kameron has a monogrammer on call (that’s not shocking at all), or the mileage the women got out of a store called Beaver Liquors. It wasn’t even when Jeremy nonchalantly said that his job wasn’t to make the bed, but to mess it up (I feel like the man is just trolling me now). No, it was something far more shocking and unexpected. Something that nearly made me question my own sanity: I think I like Cary now.

She was excellent this episode, and I have a theory. Some women in this franchise, as the seasons go on, carefully develop and hone a particular on-camera persona. Kameron, with her interesting vocal affect and pink!, certainly seems to be on that path. I’d say LeeAnne is, too, but I do believe this really might just be LeeAnne. But it’s always better when Housewives let down their guard. It’s why the Vanderpump kids are so good — they DGAF about their public image. It’s why a humbled Luann, fresh out of a marriage and rehab, was so enjoyable on RHONY this season. She was finally in on the countess joke, instead of yelling at people that they were jealous of her and saying things like, “WE GOT THE YACHT.”

I’ve always felt that Cary was trying to figure out what kind of Housewife she wanted to be instead of just letting herself be the housewife she was born to be, and that’s a chill, down-to-drink woman who probably has a sex tape on VHS somewhere and is not afraid to stir some s***.  

When D’Andra was trying to figure out the “reliable source” that told Brandi about her Adderall comments, Cary was immediately just like, OH IT WAS ME. She heard Housewife 1 say something bad about Housewife 2 while in Los Angeles, and immediately called Housewife 2 to let her know. Someone has been reading their Real Housewives Code of Conduct.

Later, when Kameron disconcertingly thinks that D’Andra’s beef with Brandi is also because she didn’t know about her adopted baby (of course it’s not, it’s still about that Adderall), Cary says, “How f***ing stupid.” Yes, Cary. She pours shots for everyone as its happening. She also genuinely seems worried about LeeAnne, a woman who said that her husband gets his d*** sucked at the Round-Up, and wants to make sure she’s having fun in Beaver Creek. That’s cool, Cary!

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. We really need to go back to the Westcott private plane. We also need to go back to Kameron’s new testimonial lewk where she once again looks incredible, but — and I’m so sorry to say this — her earrings look like broken condoms. Broken pink condoms, but broken condoms nonetheless. Tough. She’s sent all the women matching, monogrammed Victoria’s Secret-looking pajamas to wear on said plane (“PJs for the PJ”). She says that everyone needs to behave on the Westcott family PJ or she’s throwing them off. Fun!

After touching down in Colorado, the women visit a store called Beaver Liquors, a name which gets said about seven times in a one-minute span just to really make sure you get the joke. Here, Cary continues to win me over by drinking Patrón straight from the bottle and saying things like, “Come on, you beaver-licking bitches.”

Okay, let’s talk about the Westcott’s Beaver Creek mansion. You better believe I watched the Bravo.com home tour. It’s 11,192-square-feet. According to Kam, all the wood in this home is sourced from an old Colorado gold mine. There are carved wall panels from some old church in England. Taylor Swift has apparently stayed there. I would wear literally whatever monogrammed ensemble Kameron forced upon me to stay at this house.

Nothing of interest happens until the private chef dinner that night, unless you count Stephanie and Brandi’s anticlimactic naughty poster prank. (You brought those gals to Beaver Liquors. You knew what would happen, Kam.) As they eat braised bison short rib, Kam goes to get “funny games” because girl wants you to know that SHE IS FUN. She may not like getting chased down the beach with a sex toy (seems fair), but SHE. IS. FUN.

And nothing says FUN quite like making someone feel bad for wanting to keep the adoption of a baby to themselves and their family for just a little bit. Cary starts pouring more shots and yells “Badger!” at Kameron approximately eight times, and normally I’d just be like, “Chill, Cary,” but she’s absolutely in the right here. Kam is being a badger, and unlike the honey badger, she does give a s***.

Kameron continues to get irrationally upset and thinks that everyone is after her for “bashing a baby,” but nobody thinks that. No one in Beaver Creek and nobody watching at home. It’s clear that Kameron is just lashing out because she feels like she was being left out of a secret and made a fool by Stephanie’s brief little charade to protect the integrity of her surprise party. Also, Kameron did say something in a testimonial about Brandi giving birth to a magical baby, so maybe she doesn’t know how adoptions work? Someone should just go on a weed run for Kam and end this nonsense.

Meanwhile, Cary gets in a hot tub naked, and LeeAnne clears up the idiotic notion that sleeping with a lot of people means your vagina isn’t clean. She also says that “too many shots and naked twats spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E.”  That’s also true.

Until next week. Enjoy your babies and your Adderall!