This is it. It’s the finale. It’s the last episode of the Real Housewives of Dallas Season 2. And if you know anything about this show, that basically means nothing. The Reunions are where all the real dirt comes out. They’re the true finale of this show.
So if you were hoping for huge explosions and revelations, I’m sorry, but you’ve come to the wrong NorthPark.
Sure, this episode will be filled with gasping, but it will not include resolutions. Or real fights. Or real news.
They save that for the reunion, when they can control their hair and makeup and lighting situation much easier.
We open with LeeAnne planning her engagement party. And she talks about how she hasn’t seen her mom in three years, and that the last time they spoke, they fought. Good story. Great. Create a new storyline in the last episode.
And then, we watch Stephanie and Travus talk about how the renovations to their house will cost more than my entire life is worth according to my insurance policy.
We somehow end up at the Dallas Museum of Art for lunch with Brandi, Stephanie and Cary. Cary and Stephanie try to convince Brandi that LeeAnne has been manipulating her. In response, Brandi says to the server in a breathy voice, “Can we get three tequila shots and I’ll have a margarita as well.” You judge her weekday day-drinking whilst drinking a nice leftover Zima you found in the back of your fridge from that time three months ago when it was funny to drink a Zima. It’s much sadder now. Leftover Zima is maybe the saddest drink, and also the greatest band name.
Cut to D’Andra telling her mother that the product launch will be delayed. D’Andra says that there has been a snafu with the ordering of the main ingredient. And her mother says, “What’s your ‘snafu,’ or whatever you’re calling it—a word I don’t understand?” Of course she doesn’t know what “snafu” means. Because this is not a woman who has ever snafu-ed. Ever. That word is not in her dictionary. It’s not a Dee Simmons word.
Dee says, “That is a very. Expensive. Mistake. Someone made.” And then she explodes into a sea of eff you and jumps across the table at D’Andra. Her face peels off as she jumps, and reveals that she is She-Ra, Princess of Power, but a super pissed version that is both hot and also deadly. She rips D’Andra apart and just kidding she asks D’Andra, “Do you really think you’re ready to take over this company?”
D’Andra says, “I am.”
Dee says, “I’m really ready, D’andra, God is my witness, to give you this key and tell you its yours.”
Her mother literally hands her a key to the company and says, “I believe you will be successful, much more successful than Dee Simmons ever was with this company.” Shit yeah, she just spoke in the third person.
Don’t get too excited, though. I bet that’s just the key to the Good bathroom. Ain’t no way Dee Simmons is quitting work. She just wanted to teach D’Andra how you steal a scene.
Cut to Cary getting an $8,000 Hermes wallet and a $12,0000 Birkin for her seventh anniversary. Same. Can’t believe we got the same thing. So embarrassing. *CHUGS FRANZIA BLADDER*
Then, we end up at LeeAnne’s engagement party. We get to see Kameron taking it all in. And it feels like the episode is finally starting. “Having a carnival theme is fabuhlus. I am balown away.”
LeeAnne says from the stage, ““To have this moment and to be able to share it with people who I know genuinely love me–”
“–this is so the cherry on top of the icing on top of a cake that I have been working on for so long.”
Cut to Kameron saying, “Any opportunity to eat guld sprinkles I will do it.” Same, Kameron. Same.
Then, LeeAnne takes Brandi aside and has a meaningful moment with her that starts with saying they’re great friends and they’ve come so far and somehow ends with, “If you ever think that something that I did hurt you I want you to call me because I would. Ne. Ver.” And then, “Don’t fuck me over, or I will slit your little throat.”
And then, she literally leans back and has a Dr. Evil muuuahahahahaha moment.
The next day, at an Engagement Brunch, D’Andra once again invites everyone to sit together and have a fight. She asks if Cary and LeeAnne are going to be able to get along all the way through the wedding. And then, everything goes sideways. Brandi starts yelling and making this face:
Cary’s Birkin pukes. Kameron’s trademarked pout face shows up when Brandi cusses.
LeeAnne says, “When I’m not around you, I don’t talk or think about any of that,” referring to Cary and Doobs.
Then, Bravo plays a montage of LeeAnne talking exclusively about Cary and Doobs when they are not around. If you ever thought LeeAnne was the biggest bitch on this show, know now that you are wrong. The biggest bitch on all of these shows is Bravo. She’s awesome. She watches your every move for 12 episodes and then cuts you deep on the finale. It’s beautiful to watch.
Brandi ends her tirade with, “So fuck you and good luck with your wedding.” And then turns to D’Andra and says, “Thank you for having me.” Because: polite.
Cary gets up to leave and says that it’s not cool for LeeAnne to threaten to cut throats at parties. Kameron says, “C’mon Gworl, you know she’s not gonna kill you. You know thaaaat.” And then thinks about it for a second, “I mean…right?”
And now, we’re left to wait a week for the first episode of the reunion for this season. I’m confident that there’ll be more than one episode of this reunion. If it’s only a one-episode reunion, though, know that that’s the kiss of death for a franchise. So if you like this show, cross your fingers that they drag this mess out another couple of episodes.
And while you watch, play this Bingo game! Drink every time you mark a square! It’s been fun, y’all. Let’s go see if Doobs gets to talk about Birkins some more. I wish you great success on your reunion journey. See you next season, if there’s a next season. And until then, I 100% literally had a genuinely great time. Sursly.