Television

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap, Ep. 11: Fifty Shades of Pink

The nutritional value of this show is equivalent to a scoopful of SparkleDog Food, or perhaps a boxful of Franzia, shotgunned.

Mondays are scientifically proven to be The Worst. And it’s important to have a strategy to survive them. Maybe your strategy is to drink a glass of wine and get twisted on a bowl of Sour Cream & Onion Lays Potato Chips while you watch fancy people (who are not enough older than you for you to justify their significant wealth achievements as “not depressing for you”) complain about zip codes at Del Frisco’s. If so, we’re the same person.

Enter: Kameron Westcott. The first thing she says on this episode of Real Housewives of Dallas, “I can’t believe I’m wearing a fur over fur.”

Kameron is about to launch SparkleDog Food, her pink dog food, and she’s planning a party. She has an event planner showing her all manner of sparkle and dog decorations. Although her dog food may not be quite ready at the time of planning the party, because it’s “the wrong shade of peenk.” D’Andra advises her to keep moving forward with the launch party as though nothing’s wrong. And then, Kameron gets very serious about the most important part of the launch party: She will not have a red carpet. Instead, she will have a peenk carpet.

Cut to Cary and Stephanie ordering drinks. Cary orders a Grey Goose and soda with two orange slices.

Cary and Stephanie talk about their serious problems with each other. Stephanie asks Cary if she actually said she could never be friends with her. Cary says she definitely said all that stuff. Cool. So no drama here. We’re just going to work it out like adults, I guess. Suppose I’ll just find my entertainment by shotgunning my box of Franzia again. Thanks.

Cut to D’Andra talking about her launch. So much launching this season. It’s almost like I know why these new cast members agreed to do the show.

D’Andra is very excited about the new product she is in charge of launching, specifically because the new product has an ingredient called L22 in it, “and 22 is my favorite number, so double entendre there, I guess.”

Kameron receives a package containing the new kibble for her dog food. “I’m ovusly nervous because I’m not sure it’s going to be perfectly peenk. This is a myshtery box.”

The kibble is perfectly peenk, everyone’s happy, and Kameron is pumped she is making “dog food hishtury” and that “nobody in the indushtry has done this.”

Then, Kameron and Brandi meet for drinks at Del Frisco’s. Kameron takes 20 minutes to parallel park, and then walks in complaining about how far of a drive it is from Highland Park to Plano. “I just feel like I drove to another country.” But you can’t be mad at her for that—Kameron driving to Plano is like her making it North of The Wall. It’s a real trek. I mean, it’s far enough that clearly her driver was like, “Nah. Get there yourself.”

Kameron and Brandi order drinks, and then Brandi says, “I don’t wanna fight with you, I really don’t.” Aww, sweet. “But I would rather not have a stick up my ass like you do.” And then she punctuates that move with a sip of her cocktail.

Kameron sees her beverage punctuation and raises her more beverage punctuation.

And then Kameron says, “I’ve never had this issue with friends not liking me.”

We cut to the SparkleDog launch party, where all The Fancies are eating dog food. “This is amayzeen.” I guess this is what you do when you are rich as hell and haven’t eaten a real carb in years.

Finally, at the launch party, LeeAnne decides to go over to Mark Deuber and talk with him about her problems with Cary. Seems smart. Please go do this. We all chug the last of our Barefoot Chard and lean in.

LeeAnne tells Mark that she and Cary have been having issues, and it’s because LeeAnne doesn’t like it when people lie. Doobs says, “I feel like you’re trying to convince me that my wife is a liar.”

LeeAnne is faced with someone who sees that she is trying to manipulate a situation, and makes the face you make when you haven’t experienced something before and you don’t like it very much.

Next week’s the finale, people. Hopefully that episode will include Doobs yelling at someone, LeeAnne not saying “literally” or “100%,” and Kameron being forced to wear a borrowed pair of not-perfectly-peenk Crocs. With socks.

If you’re interested in purchasing SparkleDog Food, you can buy it online right now for a mere $28 per bag. Here are some reviews on Amazon. Never read the comments section, right? Sursly. Don’t read it. The fact that the reviews are all either ones or fives tells you there’s just drama here and probably very little truth. Maybe. Probably. Sursly.

Next week’s drinking game: It’s the finale! Drink! Every time Brandi cusses, drink. Every time LeeAnne points in someone’s face, drink. And if Stephanie cusses someone out, chug! Happy finale!

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