Sometimes, you need to watch Real Housewives of Dallas to get away from the terribly disappointing truths of the world we live in. And some days, you just need to watch Real Housewives of Dallas to avoid having to think about where you’re gonna buy a science project board for your kid’s Invention Convention project. No matter why you watch this 100% Nothing, “Where’s my Chanel coat?” Brain Break of a show, you can live your week in comfort that it will always be here for you, whether you want it or not. Just like a solid case of lice.
Cary talks to Doobs this week about all of the gossip LeeAnne is spreading about him. We’re all ready for this. We’re wide-eyed, happy-stress-chugging Yellow Tail as we wait for his reaction. Cary says, “LeeAnne said you go to bars and have guys hit on you?” And we chug another anticipation glass of Chard. Will he explode on her and immediately tell her she has to stop being on the show? Will Doobs freak all the way out and start stress-shopping at NorthPark?
Nah. He will not. He will instead calmly say, ““I can’t take it anymore.” and, “I don’t need these f*cking people to try to ruin us. And that’s what they’re doing. I’m just tired of it.”
And we understand why he didn’t get super mad. It’s because Cary did not get specific. She said he was being accused of “having guys hit on him” when he was actually accused of having guys that LeeAnne knows perform sexual favors for him in a dirty bathroom. That’s like saying “I like Whataburger,” when what you really mean is, “I heard you’ve been having guys that LeeAnne knows perform sexual favors for you in a dirty bathroom.”
So, we leave that storyline for now, and cut to D’Andra’s mom. She is the definition of Dallas Badass Businesswoman. Her hair is giant. Her makeup is tons. And she says stuff like, “I don’t mind being 76, I just don’t wanna look 76.” Where is the Real Baller Businessladies of Dallas, Senior Edition show? I wanna see who D’Andra’s mom hangs out with.
Cut to LeeAnne getting an IV drip of Meddling Bullshit Drama Starter to prep for Brandi’s White Party. She says to Brandi, “At your party, there needs to be a moment where we hold her feet to the fahr.” It’s weird to see people planning to have fights at these parties. I like it better when I don’t get that kind of behind-the-scenes planning, and instead I feel like it’s all just exploding naturally. Like a Tex-Mex Enchilada Night fart.
Cut to Kameron driving to Hamlin, Texas, and freaking out about how far away from Highland Park her driver is taking her. “I am sursly in Boonville. I am so far away from the city right now. I am a blonde ellien visiteen this planuht. Their planuht which is a dog food factory.”
Cut to LeeAnne going to see her doctor, because “Every time I start to wipe that bacteria medicine off, it literally looks like it’s eating holes.” Her doc says, “Holes. Yeah.” Not sure what happened next exactly, as I was Chard-barfing all over my house. I was 100%, literally yachting everywhere. Literally. 100%.
LeeAnne then says “Why me?” Everyone:
We finally arrive at the Brandiland party. Kameron shows up for us exactly how we need her to, ““I don’t’ want to be a critic or anything, but like, we need to have glasses. This is such a beautiful setteen. Why can’t I have a glass and not a plastic cup? Because when I have plastic cups, I feel like I’m at a frat party.” Cary says, “Just drink more. It’ll be fine.” And I realize how deeply I need that life lesson on a t-shirt.
After they all drink more, it is not, in fact, super fine. Everyone sits at a table and tries to yell at Cary for who even knows what reason anymore. Then, Cary says “my body is a temple” twice. Then Brandi makes this face:
Then, LeeAnne reads from notecards to fight. Yeah, she brought notecards to this fight like it’s her freshman year in CX debate.
I wanna know where her bungee-chorded dolly is with all the tubs of back-up files and facts. Somehow we land here, “There’s not a man on the planet that doesn’t like a dildo, ok?”
And then LeeAnne runs out of notecards, reads the one that says, “it’s time to yell and throw a fit because that’s what happens on Real Housewives shows and you haven’t had a yell-and-break-things-moment on the season yet,” so she yells in Cary’s face, “Let me tell you something!” and then she smashes a glass on the table and says, “Be real careful.”
Kameron turns to Brandi and says, “This is why you have plastic.”
It’s clearly the best line of the season. And it’s classic Kameron, too. Because she is not just saying, “Oh, I get it now. This is why you decided on plastic cups: it’s because you knew LeeAnne was coming and she is crazy.” With that one line, she is also saying, “You have plastic. It makes sense for someone like you, who hosts a party like this, where people yell and freak out, to have plastic.” Very you, Kameron. Very well done. That’s some high level Real Housewives Mean right there, and we needed it.
And the best part of all of it is that the conversation continues pretty much as normal after that wine glass smash. It’s like a toddler shat himself and all the moms are just letting him sit in it until they finish their Sauvignon Blanc and summon the energy to get the nanny to handle it.
More D’Andra’s mom, pls.
Drinking game for next week’s episode: Drink every time Cary shakes her head at someone. Drink every time Brandi does an impression. Chug if any of the housewives hug any of their children more times than they hug their dogs.