Television

The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap, Ep. 9: Yacking on a Yacht

All the ladies Technicolor yawn. Our faith in humanity and The Real Housewives franchise is restored.

This episode starts right back in with Cary and Brandi fighting. Which nobody cares about. We’ve all seen their Instagram at this point. We know you’re all friends again. And none of this is getting us to the part where LeeAnne has to talk to Cary about Doobs at The Round-Up.

If you haven’t been watching this show, and you’re already saying to yourself: why on Earth does anyone watch this show? The answer is: Jack & Coke on a Monday, Stupid. Shut up.

If you’re going to comment, “This is trash. Everyone on this show is trash.” Let me say to you in advance, “Can it, Aunt Betsy. Nobody hears you. Leave my stories alone.” These women agreed to go onto this show and talk smack about each other in order to promote their dog food line (Kameron), their plastic surgery services (Cary), their makeup line (D’Andra), and their own faces (Brandi and LeeAnne). And Stephanie was bored in her mansion, so filming is better than watching The Talk.

You wanna talk about real trash TV, sit through five minutes of “Emmy Award-winning” The Talk. Or anything during the daytime hours. Listen, every television show can’t be the best television show, OK? Sometimes we’ve got the flu and we’re waiting in the doctor’s office or getting a pedicure on a Tuesday during business hours and we have to sit through shows that look like they were shot in the ‘90s and sound like they’re completely out of touch with the current reality the rest of us live in. Shows like Days of Our Lives. Or The Chew. Or Trump press conferences.

Point is: Brandi is determined to find Frank, The Lost Dildo, and so she and Stephanie go to the front desk and pretend to be LeeAnne and D’Andra in order to get a room key to break into LeeAnne’s room. Brandi walks like a horse for this segment, and I can’t tell if it’s part of the act or not. (#acting)

They get the room key, and despite LeeAnne claiming that she has hidden the dildo so well she would “literally have to hand it to them herself” literally literally, they find it under her pillow. Not gonna lie, I thought she must be hiding it in her own personal The Upside Down, to be so confident about them not being able to find it. Hiding something under your pillow is maybe the worst possible hiding job you could have done. That’s like a dog hiding its front half behind a tree and not realizing its back half is in full view. That’s a toddler hiding job. It would have been better hidden in a pile of stuffed animals like E.T.

The other important thing that happens on this expedition to rescue Frank is that Stephanie sees a plate of half-eaten pancakes and dives right into it. Twice.

She says, “I hate it when people waste good food. And I fucking love pancakes.” We all cheers-ed you, Stephanie. That was a cheers heard round the Bravo world right there.

Cut to all the ladies on a yacht. Cary notes that it’s kind of choppy on the water on this particular day. This is foreshadowing, y’all. And I cannot. Wait.

D’Andra notes that one time, in the Seychelles, she chartered a yacht. And she was by herself. This should be a perfect picture of a life of carefree wealth, but it also has that perfect Real Housewives sting of loneliness and desperation. Why was D’Andra alone? In my Franzia-sponsored dream about it, D’Andra is on vacation and has a fight with her husband about his Burberry shirt sleeves not being rolled up evenly. She storms out and asks her badass Dallas Hair mom for some money, Dallas Hair Mom says, “Grow up and be the boss of your own life,” and D’Andra uses the company card to charter a pout yacht for a day.

Cary and Brandi are gossiping about LeeAnne. Everyone watching the show leans in. This is it. Everyone’s gonna fight. Finally.

Instead, Cary immediately admits what she did: she said that Rich, LeeAnne’s fiancé, has a small dong. D’Andra says, “Wait a minute—that’s it? That’s all you said?” Same, D’Andra. Same.

Then Brandi FINALLY tells everyone that LeeAnne has been saying much worse things about Cary’s husband. And then the whole boat tips over because Cary just jumps across the thing at LeeAnne to pop her eyeballs out of her sockets one at a time and then Cary is pretending the eyeballs are her earrings and she’s like, “This is my new line of jewelry, it’s called EFF EVERYONE WHO MESSES WITH ME RAAAAAAAAAARG!!!”

Except she didn’t. She got upset, but like, Lady Upset. She didn’t even take her sunglasses off. Feels like when she sees the playback of these episodes, she’s going to throw a table at LeeAnne’s smirk.

Cut to LeeAnne saying “I mean I think it would be awesome to be the first bisexual couple on Housewives. Just do it,” while she freshens up her makeup. (I’d like to note here that I’ve never seen a housewife freshen their base layer while dissing someone in a confessional. That’s some Cruella de Vil level of mean right there. Cheers for being terrible, LeeAnne.)

But none of any of this matters, because suddenly Mother Nature takes over and decides she’s going to light this show on fire. The waters get super choppy and the ladies start to squeal-scream. They’re hugging each other out of fear and can’t move from where they are on the yacht, because the waves are so huge they’re worried they’ll break a boob trying to get to safety.

It’s vomit Christmas. Stephanie can’t walk on the boat and is super, amazingly seasick. She yachts over the side of the boat like three times. Then, Cary sees her yachting all over the place and it makes Cary yacht a little in her hand, and then off the side of the boat.

They’re all hurking in their designer cover-ups and diamonds and it’s freaking great, and this is everything this show ever wanted to be: fancy ladies bent over the side of a yacht having a turrible experience. Stephanie: “I’ll never go on a boat again.” Viewers: Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play.

Brandi takes more shots and decides to get more hammered to ride this thing out. And then LeeAnne shows up again and wants to start fighting more, once the waters settle. So Stephanie asks to see her new breasts, only she uses the technical term and says, “them titties.” Which cues Brandi and the giant dildo. She brings out Frank, waves him at everyone, Kameron is offended, and the episode ends about five minutes after it should have.

More yachting, ladies. That was greatness. Next week, looks like they go to a spy convention disguised as Borks from the planet J-Lo? I dunno. Fall fashion confuses me.

Drinking game for next week: Drink every time Doobs looks shocked that people are talking about his sexuality, because nobody cares and he can’t believe this is a storyline either. Drink every time LeeAnne has a wardrobe malfunction. Chug if someone flips a table.

Comments

  • RAB

    “her own personal The Upside Down”? “pout yacht”?

    Brilliant!

  • HayMcdTx

    Best. Recap. Ever… I’m going to need for you to live tweet throughout the Reunion, please and thank you. Realtime screenshots of your Kam-Translah-shuns would pair perfectly with a box of franzia chillable red and my sad, lonely life.