Every year, inexplicably, I get excited about the male and female version of the “Tell All” episode. Maybe it’s a conditioned response to the idea of a “tell all.” A “tell all” book is salacious and sometimes fun. Unfortunately, The Bachelor/ette version of this is usually isn’t salacious at all, and not a whole heck of a lotta fun, either. But guys, maybe I’m just hopped up on the shots of apple cider vinegar and chlorophyll I took this afternoon (I cover health and fitness at this magazine [shameless plug!]!), but this was better than most, right? I mean, they did get a garbage human to admit he tweeted racist thoughts, and that’s something. Plus, Kenny’s daughter! Dean’s face! In the words of Chris Evelyn Harrison (just a guess), “buckle up!”
To kick things off, we get a brief history of why we should care about “Men Tell All.” We remember…
- That Emily Maynard was a no nonsense boss with perfect hair.
- Chris Harrison once called himself “daddy.”
- That time Kaitlyn got a standing ovation for dealing with some serious slut shaming!
- That time JoJo got a standing ovation for dealing with the human version of slut shaming named Chad!
- That weird time with the ultrasound that got a little too daytime television for my taste…
Yeah, but did they have Dean’s face?
"This is the most dramatic #MenTellAll ever!" – ADAM Jr….probably. 🤔#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/aCdvKeW07r
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) August 1, 2017
The bros arrive! And the audience doles out cheers accordingly and savagely. (To be a man that gets no “woos” is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.)
Random thought: I mean, I’m sure at this point DeMario is just like so over this franchise, but come on, dude. Wear a blazer.
Randomer thought: Tickle Monster is sitting in a hand chair and this tracks for me.
Okay, can we talk about Chris Harrison’s script? Christopher keeps throwing around phrases like “a very special edition” and “an entirely different season.” Don’t do this, man. Just say this was the first Bachelor/ette season with an African American lead if you’re going to address it at all. Also, not sure why you had to “beef up,” but show don’t tell.
That being said, Chris Harrison got some solid time to shine (AKA screen time), which is more than I can say for most of these randos, which included…
Jamey (???), Diggy (gone too soon), Blake (no), Iggy (who’s a reverend now?), Anthony (missed ya), Lucas (did you guys know Whaboom release a single? It’s on Spotify. Don’t listen to it.), Fred (oh yeah), DeMario (wear a blazer), Alex (bro, you wear that blazer), Jonathan (what’s left to say really?), Lee (rough road ahead), Jack Stone (aw), Josiah (we were all rooting for you), Will (my love!), Matt (hopefully we see your personality on Paradise), Kenny (the king), Adam (sans doll), and sweet baby Dean.
Per usual, the show is split into about four segments meant to entice us. This time around, they decided to go with Whaboom vs. Blake (no thank you), the already-dragged-on-too-long Kenny vs. Lee drama, Rachel addressing the men, and bloopers. Why does Chris Harrison always act like he invented bloopers?
Whaboom vs. Blake
This gets immediately and miraculously shut down by all the other brotestants, particularly Adam, who says “there was so much Whaboom where it should have been Whabye.” Not the snappiest line, but effective.
There’s a sprinkling of DeMario and that whole “girlfriend” thing which seems like eons ago now, especially given the much bigger controversy that followed D-Mo. DeMario lies some more, Chris Harrison is all like “I have a brain and memories and also video tapes.” DeMario explains the concept of “side chicks” and it’s not a great look. Dean shuts this down with, “D-Mo is no Whaboom. He’s no Lee.” That’s an “ocular fact!” Moving on.
Kenny vs. Lee
This was…tough to watch, but I did enjoy Kenny ascending to the ultimate hero status he deserves. Also, I watched Glow this weekend so I feel like I have a better understanding of Kenny’s profession.
We’re all tired of Kenny vs. Lee, so to quickly break it down:
- Kenny says the situation didn’t feel like racism while they were in the house. He thought Lee’s behavior was more reactionary because he was out of his league and had to latch onto somebody. Being called a racist is bad. Being called a loser is rough stuff.
- Kenny’s daughter is eloquent and beautiful and anyone who didn’t tear up when she brought her dad that rose can’t feel anything at all.
The Lee Stuff
Lee keeps repeating the phrase “I should have been a better friend” like he read it once in a book that helps children diffuse tension on a playground. Christopher accurately points out that not everyone needs to be friends.
Chris throws some tweets on the big screen and Lee is literally never going to recover from this. For a moment, I almost feel bad for him, and then another tweet flashes on the screen and I don’t.
Almost every man of color address Lee in a clear, coherent manner and makes excellent points as Lee’s entire singer/songwriter career flashes before his eyes.
Adonis and Genius Anthony: You haven’t addressed what we’re trying to forgive you for. Your actions are motivated by racist thoughts that are implicitly embedded in your mentality.
Lee: I did things that were wrong.
Chris Harrison: It’s a hard thing to say that you were or are a racist.
Lee: I denounce that Lee and I want to learn.
Men: But just say you were racist.
Lee: I was uneducated and ignorant in those areas.
Men: We’ll take it!
Kenny: I want to lead by example. If you’re willing to take that step, then I’m willing to stand along with my brothers and help you do so. Guys, #KennyForBachelor? #AnthonyForBachelor? Please??
Side Note: No matter how tired you were of all this clearly manufactured drama, watching a man who tweeted racist, misogynistic things being forced to (pretty much) admit that those things were racist and misogynistic is satisfying as hell.
Rachel + Bloopers
Rachel drops some great lines in her Marchesa dress. She calls Chris her “fairy godmother,” says she missed the bros but “not all of you,” she says “who?” when DeMario is referenced, and tells Lee she’ll give him a black history lesson backstage.
Christopher auditions to host a show solely about bloopers with, “Your journey wouldn’t be complete without something very special—a tradition we have around here. Ladies and gentlemen, help me out. It’s a little something we like to call BLOOPERS.”
I do love bloopers though.
Side Note: The fact that they didn’t put Rachel’s killer line comparing Josiah to a salty bag of chips is a missed opportunity, ABC.
See you in Spain!
