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Television

The Bachelorette Episode 9 Recap: Fake Cheeks

Looking good, Dallas.
By Caitlin Clark |
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Though I don’t believe I’ve ever said this in writing, I am a firm believer that Bryan has fake cheeks. (I also think he looks freakishly like Ryan Merriman in the Disney Channel Original Movie Luck of the Irish, but that doesn’t really matter today.) I could tell something was off about the chiropractor’s face from night one, but I couldn’t quite place the source until I heard Allison Williams’ theory on Huffington Post’s podcast “Here to Make Friends.”

Listen, I’m not here to judge anyone for their plastic surgery choices, but I deeply appreciated the confirmation, which arrived last night in a spectacularly shade-filled moment from Peter.

“I’ve made it very clear that I’m not the biggest fan of Bryan,” Peter says. (To which I say, “Wait what, The Bachelorette editing room?”) “He’s got his confident Miami swagger. But in Miami there’s a lot of fake boobs, fake asses, and fake cheeks.”

Ya burned, Bryan’s cheeks! But also, a few other sort of interesting things happened in this episode. Eric wears more denim-on-denim, Peter drops an “L Bomb,” Rachel’s sister emerges as a no-nonsense queen, and Rachel’s Dallas is like really, really lovely. Let’s talk about it.

 

We close in on Rachel, who’s wearing quite the skirt (I dig it!) and explains that we’ll be spending the first hour of this show in Dallas because her sister is too far along in her pregnancy to travel. This leads to two pretty repetitive and one mildly interesting hometown date and means that we’ll just barely touch down on Fantasy Suites™ this week, but it’s a great look for Dallas. With each brotestant, we get slight variations of the Meet the Lindsays™ date with a few finally-interesting “Back at the hotel!” interstitials that seem to go out of their way to make Bryan and his cheeks look bad.

Side Note: Without any explanation, Rachel says that her dad is not coming. Mad respect for that man, and also, Rachel’s mom and sister Constance clearly have this covered anyway.

 

#1. Peter Meets the Parents

The Dallas Activity: Shopping for baby gifts in West Village’s Sweet as Sugar boutique. Peter shopping for baby onesies is too much for my single soul.

Best Line from a Brotestant: When he describes the first moment he saw her in “her white, shimmery dress, standing under a light that was just beaming off of her. How could you not fall for her in that instant?” Damn, bro.

Best Words from a Family Member: When brother-in-law Alex (an actual character from a fictional Woody Allen movie) says, “She’s not perfect. What kind of items do you see that are of… note?” Intellectual as hell.

Best Moment of the Date: Copper’s back! Peter is clearly the dog whisperer.

Random Thought: Okay, we’re either in Preston Hollow or Highland Park right?  

*BACK AT THE MANSION*

Bryan tells Eric that Peter isn’t ready to propose to a woman that he’s only known for two months, and Eric literally goes, “Whaaattttt???!!”

Only on The Bachelorette amiright?!

 

#2. Eric Meets the Parents

The Dallas Activity: The top of Reunion Tower, which looks mighty impressive through ABC’s lens. (Take that, Empire State Building!)

Best Line from a Brotestant: When they reach the top of Reunion Tower. “Wow this is high. We high on vibes, baby!”

Best Moment of the Date: The way that Eric convinces Constance (a tough cookie!) that he’s truly falling in love with Rachel, despite never being in love before. I mean, I’m pretty sure the die is already cast in favor of Peter or Bryan, but it’s nice to watch this sweet little diary entry into this man’s life.

Stray Thoughts: I literally just realized that Eric is a personal trainer. I also love another appearance of the Eric Dance™.

*BACK AT THE MANSION*

When Peter tells Bryan he didn’t ask for her hand in marriage, but instead just asked for approval to date her, Bryan says he’s going to “show them the bond that [he and Rachel] have,” show them that they’re right, and ask for the blessing.

Peter: “That’s a little ballsy, and a little arrogant, and it’s annoying.”

 

#3. Bryan Meets the Parents

The Dallas Activity: A windy brunch with the ladies at HG Sply Co.

Best Line from a Brotestant: It actually comes from Eric, who astutely points out the significance of the matching watches. “That’s a nice watch, and I’m not mad at you, brother. If she didn’t wear that watch and he wore his, it wouldn’t mean anything. But she wore the watch!”

Best Words from a Family Member: “My gut is telling me Bryan’s a charmer, but I don’t think there’s the sincerity factor.” – Constance.  Also:

Bryan: I already love your family.

Constance: It’s only been an hour and a half.

Best Moment of the Date: The introduction of my new favorite state of being: “low-key annoyed.”

Stray Thought: Judging by the lot size, we’ve got to be somewhere in the Park Cities.

 

Spanish ~*FaNtAsY sUiTeS*~

We start off with some B-roll of the bros and it is next level. Bryan plays soccer with some blurry-faced Spanish kids. Peter’s just sort of smiling and walking by the blurry-faced kids. It’s something else.

Annnd Eric’s up! Eric says, “I always say one-on-one full of fun. Big E and Big Rach!” Eric is a lot like Tom Haverford on Parks and Rec. Everything he says is a catchphrase, but it’s fun and endearing.

They go to “wine country on steroids,” and it’s nice. Here’s what I’ll say about Eric. At this point, it’s pretty clear that Peter and Bryan are our top two, but if I could choose for Rachel, I’d totally pick Big E. Peter seems like he’s forcing it. Bryan seems like he’s faking it. But Eric just seems like a bro who wound up on a television show and is just truly psyched and astounded to be there. He’s sincere and unrehearsed when he tells Rachel he loves her. His happiness is infectious and his charm in inescapable. When he sends her off in the limo the morning after their Fantasy Suite™ experience and says, “Love ya!” My heart, you guys.

Peter’s turn!

This is really just a ramp up to a cliffhanger that’s supposed to make us think Rachel lets Peter go because they can’t agree on the meaning of a Bachelor/ette proposal (that beautiful man isn’t going anywhere), but I did appreciate his appreciation for a good bottle of wine, and even though that Spanish man’s song made zero lyrical sense, it was real sweet.

Will we ever get to the bottom of whether or not engagement means marriage?

Well, that’s settled. See you at “Men Tell All!”

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