There are two camps of Bachelor/ette fans: The ones that enjoy the first batch of group date- and weirdo-filled episodes, and the ones that love the final few. Personally, I fall in the latter group. I like the romance! I love watching the real love stories unfold! And I deeply appreciate being able to keep these home boys straight.
Hometowns™ is the highlight of those final few episodes, and for the love of all that is Dean’s bowties, this one was a lot. At the end of two hours, I felt like I had just watched four different small-budget movies about a young man bringing home a girl who is way out of his league to meet his parents, each with an aggressively different effect. Let’s review.
#1: Eric’s Date: The Rom Com.
On a sunny day in Baltimore, a loving family gathers in a hotel room anxiously awaiting the arrival of their beloved family member, Eric, and his date. But this isn’t just any date. This is the first young lady this young man has ever brought home. And she’s a lawyer no less! Before she arrives, Eric’s lifelong friend Ralph mics up and goes out to a basketball court to do some reconnaissance. “She’s cool!” he says upon returning.
By the time the couple arrives, the excitement is so high that they immediately break into a “Heeyyyyyyyyy!” in unison and it ends up being endearing as hell. Eric’s very cool aunt digs right into the race topic, allowing for a line from the date, Rachel, that probably should have happened much, much earlier in the season: “My journey for love shouldn’t be any different than the other 12 bachelorettes that were in front of me.” Yep!
Young Eric has meaningful discussions with his father and mother that shed light on who he is as a person, who he can be to Rachel, and brings the whole family closer together. In the end, love prevails. You can’t run from love!
The Tagline
“Love changes everybody.” – Eric.
#2 Bryan’s Date: The Cringe Comedy.
Don’t let the Miami Vice soundtrack fool you, this is a cautionary tale. A young lady, Rachel, is lured in to this vibrant city by delicious looking pork-filled sandwiches and kindly old men playing dominos. Audience members may realize that the only facts they know about Miami have been learned through Pitbull songs. A young man, Bryan, tells the woman he’s bringing home that his mother is a “fireball.” (Girl, run!)
Upon entering Bryan’s home, Rachel quickly begins spotting various Buster Bluth-style framed photos of him and his mother throughout the home. Is that a shot from “Motherboy XXX?” She feels a presence behind her and quickly whirls around to see Bryan’s mother, Olga, downing an entire glass of wine and immediately bursting into tears at the sight of her son. “You have gone out with so many girls and you go to show and you fall in love with the girl of the show. I’m in shock!” she cries, reasonably, to her son.
Olga slowly turns and sets her gaze on Rachel as Bryan’s father sits motionless and soundless in the corner of the room. “Bryan is my life, but I just want to advise you and I just want to give you a warning: You are marrying the family too.”
The audience grows to love and fear Olga.
The Tagline
“If he’s happy, I’m happy. If he’s not, I’ll kill you.” – Olga.
#3 Peter’s Date: An Early-Aughts Indie That Probably Stars Kirsten Dunst.
The dumb term “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” was spawned from that movie Elizabethtown, starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. I have never seen Elizabethtown, and I doubt I ever will (no matter how hard you try, Netflix!), but I have a feeling Peter was acting a little Bloom-like during his hometown date. Rachel is infinitely more interesting than a typical MPDG, but she does serve as a kind of impetus for Peter to embrace the adventure even while he refuses to “grow up.”
Though, in this story, the idea of “growing up” is defined by being fully ready to propose to a woman after just two short months. Is this realistic? Nope. Is this fair to the young man? Not at all. But this is a romantic, brooding indie film with a soundtrack filled with songs by someone like Ryan Adams—there’s no room for realistic expectations! I imagine Elizabethtown doesn’t end very definitively! (Just an educated guess based on Dunst movies, of course.)
The Tagline
“It’s a commitment to a person, and it may not be marriage yet.” – Lynn. Fair.
SIDE NOTE: This is the first time I’ve ever disagreed with Rachel. When she’s worried that if she picks Peter all she’ll get in the end is a boyfriend… I mean.
#4 Dean’s Date: An Autobiographical Family Film That Has Nothing to Do with a Girl.
A young (very adorable!) man named Dean sits on a picturesque bench with his girlfriend in Aspen, visibly nervous and also crushing the whole button-down-with-a-hoodie look. He’s bringing said girl, Rachel, home to meet his family, who haven’t been under the same roof in years. Dean hasn’t even seen his father, who has become a Sikh and has renamed himself “Divinely Beautiful” (respect) after Dean’s mother passed away, in two years. For some reason, the girl doesn’t just say something like, “Hey, maybe this isn’t the appropriate time for this! Let’s just go hiking or grab lunch at Ajax Tavern!” For without the family, we would have no story, and no shot at Sundance’s Grand Jury Prize.
The family reunion is upon us, and Dean’s father calls him “skinny one.” But wait—plot twist! Suddenly the girlfriend’s presence feels entirely irrelevant. Yes, she’s the reason for the gathering, but that’s about it. The audience realizes that they aren’t watching something that’s been carefully scripted at all, but rather, a deeply intimate and very real reunion between estranged family members who are still grappling with the untimely death of the family’s matriarch. The dad decides he can’t even speak with Rachel until he figures out his relationship with the son. Yes, it’s riveting and authentic, but is this right? Is The Bachelorette serving as a sort of driving force for this family to finally come together, or is this reality television exploitation at its worst?
Suddenly, a trailer for something called Bachelor in Paradise comes on our screen that is almost entirely without taste, and our answer becomes a bit clearer.
No taglines for experimental films.
Hey, Hilton Anatole!
The views of Dallas look almost as good as Dean in that blue suit and bow tie, but none of that matters, because our sweet, dear Deanie Baby gets sent back to Venice Beach and my melted heart may never recover.
Dean thinks Rachel may have made a mistake. I kind of do too, Dean.
Dallas looks great though. See you in the fantasy suites!
Bachelor Watch
As much as I’m betting on Peter, Eric and Dean got some hardcore Bachelor treatment this week. I would love to see Eric’s aunt again, and more denim-on-denim. Also, Dean was clearly created in a factory somewhere to capture the heart of America and make me totally rethink my stance on tall, gangly men. It’s anybody’s game!
