Happy July, Dallas! Don’t you wish you were in picturesque Geneva instead of trying to avoid this broiling Texas heat? Same. But I also don’t really want to be filmed making out with boyz, so life is fair I guess.
We’re dropped right back into the thick of it, and by thick of it, I mean an extremely chill city in Switzerland. Seriously, where are the people of Geneva? Did they hear about an American camera crew, say, “nah, man,” and just take a high-speed train to Paris for the week? Judging by that sparsely attended Catholic service, it sure seems like it!
Anyway, everybody is talking about hometowns. Rach (or “Big Rach,” as Eric calls her) is talking about hometowns. Bryan is talking about hometowns. Even Matt and Adam are talking about hometowns (guys, please). Errbody is talking about hometowns, but this week isn’t about hometowns, y’all. We have to get through a whole two hours of television before we discover the origin stories of some of these brotestants, and it’s going to be filled with intense One-On-One™ dates, forced bro convos at like one table in their Geneva-based suite, and the sudden realization that Matt and Adam are real boys! Let’s talk about.
“Time is everything we have.” – Adam. Poetic.
Bryan gets the first of three One-On-Ones™. They hop in a Bentley to go to Breitling and Rach (or rather, ABC?) purchases some fancy watches for them. Bryan then proceeds to attack her face. A simple thank you, bro.
Side Note: Bryan has to be the winner, right? They have matching fancy watches now! There’s no turning back.
Back at the Table!
First up for Table Talk™ are Matt and Adam. The One-On-One Wannabees. Adam says he wants to be the broom that sweeps Rachel off his feet. Not as poetic.
The Date Card™ arrives and sweet baby Dean snags the second One-On-One™. You go, sweet baby Dean.
Back to Bry!
The watch twins arrive at first of several intense dinner setups and talk about private school, past relationships, and family. Rachel gives good parent, and they get to dance to some sophisticated strings instead of a rando country band thank goodness.
Bryan gets the rose.
Dean’s Date!
Dean and Rach put on their Sunday Best and instead of attending an impromptu performance of Bette Midler and David Hyde Pierce’s Hello Dolly! like I’d hoped they go to a Catholic Mass that’s in French. Mass is a tough thing to drop into in English, I can’t imagine how confusing it would be for non-Catholics in French. Afterwards, an older gent with a music box and a cat plays some tunes and they dance. Then Dean starts asking questions I asked shy kids when I use to babysit. What’s your favorite dinosaur? Do you know how to turn your parent’s TV on?
Because the answer here could be a…deal breaker? 😳#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/JgO7lJOnN4
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 11, 2017
Back at the Table!
It’s Eric and Peter’s turn for Table Talk™ and literally nothing of note gets said.
Dean’s Date!
Dean admits he was being super weird, but he’s nervous about Rachel meeting his “eccentric” dad in Aspen. Dean, it’s Aspen! I’d have lunch with Adam’s French doll to get a free trip to Aspen. But in all seriousness, Dean’s emotional honesty was really touching. This show aggressively glorifies perfect nuclear families and I’m sure witnessing such a lovable, well-adjusted person as Dean share his insecurities about his family resonated with a lot of viewers.
Dean gets the rose.
Peter’s Date!
Rachel wants to take their relationship “higher than it’s ever been.” They get in a helicopter. Le sigh.
What did Peter do to get all the dog dates?
Back at the Table!
Matt and Eric pair up for an encore of Table Talk.™ I’m just noticing that Matt kind of sounds like what Charlie Day would sound like if his voice was deeper. I don’t hate it.
Back to Pete!
Rach and Pete are on top of a mountain and it’s so cold that Peter is now sporting a silver streak in his hair à la Anna from Frozen. Later, they go to a supes romantic dinner where Peter tells a story about making a girl cry.
Three Bros One Date!
The arrival of this Date Card™ kicks things off: “Tomorrow will be difficult. I don’t know what else to say.” – Rachel.
Okay, this is the first time I’ve ever thought that the lead might have a hand in these Date Cards™. I can totally picture Chris Harrison hovering a pen above paper and gently asking, “What do you want to say, Rachel?” She’d ponder for a moment, maybe glance at her new watch, then quickly toss up a hand up in resignation, “I don’t know. Tomorrow will be difficult? I don’t know what else to say!”
Matt, Adam, and Eric, clearly the bottom of the bro barrel, go on a boat to France and it’s pretty clear what’s going to happen there. Adam is getting super cocky and suddenly getting way more screen time, so he’s done. Eric is the only one he’s ever shown any interest in. And we’ve literally only heard Matt’s Boston (?) accent once, until…
“You remind me of myself.” –Rachel#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/g99WpGu7Oa
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 11, 2017
The most shocking and magnificent 180 I’ve ever seen on this show unravels before my eyes. I had virtually no opinions or feelings about Matthew when his convo with Rachel starts, but less than five minutes later (I counted), I’m actually wiping a tear from my eye and am already missing his presence. How did Matt become hot in the course of two minutes? Doesn’t it look like his hair suddenly got longer? I’m crying with Rachel as she sends this sweet soul away, then I’m laughing through the tears when he looks at his half-drunk champagne glass and says, “I’m taking this with me.” You’re a gentleman and a hero, Matt! Shockingly, I’m really going to miss you.
Can’t say the same for Dallas bro Adam.
ADAM: I hope you don’t regret saying goodbye to me.
RACH: Thanks for being here!
Difficult. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/aTyvcmBOzg
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 11, 2017
Hometowns here we come!
Bachelor Watch
Now that we have our Top Four™, who are we thinking? My money’s on Deanie Baby right now.
ABC Promo Tomfoolery
“She’s got tears streaming down her face and I blame myself for that.” – Peter, who was actually speaking about someone we will never see or come to know and not our dear Bachelorette queen. Cool.
