“As if August in Dallas wasn’t already HOT enough,” some marketing copywriter for Bravo wishes she’d thought to write: The Real Housewives of Dallas is back on Aug. 14.
Entertainment Tonight has the all-caps EXCLUSIVE, which includes the news that two new women will be joining last season’s cast of feces hat-wearing, daytime-drinking, cosmetic surgery-having, Collin County tax-paying ex-cheerleaders. They are,
- D’Andra Simmons, wealthy Dallas socialite
- Kameron Westcott, wealthy Dallas socialite
Brandi Redmond, Cary Deuber, Stephanie Hollman, and LeeAnne Locken are back. Season One cast member Tiffany Hendra, partner to Australian rocker Aaron Hendra and noted fan of the journalists of this city magazine, is conspicuously absent from the cast list and the Season Two preview Bravo unveiled today. Watching said preview, a shamelessly vulgar escalation of last season’s madness, you will be introduced to the new cast members, one described as a “real life Elle Woods” and the other as “not a typical Dallas housewife.” Locken, wearing a hot dog suit, says the following words, which have likely never been strung together in the history of human existence: “If you think that I am not willing to take this dick off my head and get down to the bottom of this, then you do not know LeeAnne Locken.”
The rest of that two-and-a-half minute highlight reel of existential horrors features other unimaginable terrors beyond the worst imaginings of H.P. Lovecraft, including, as Entertainment Tonight puts it, “breakups, blowups, flesh-eating bacteria, barf, and fresh blood.” Also, Redmond and Hollman are beefing or something.
Will they squash the beef? Will that bacteria eat the housewives alive? Will we ever leave the orbit of Charity World? Will Tim Rogers, or whichever poor soul gets roped in to recapping this season for D Magazine, lose their fragile grip on a reality gone too Real? Tune in Aug. 14 at 9 p.m. and find out!