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Television

The Bachelorette Episode 5 Recap: Half Snaked

Are we having fun yet?
By Caitlin Clark |
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Growing up, my mom always used to ask my sister and me during family trips, “Are we having fun yet?” When we’d been on the road for 10 hours, the question was sarcastic. If actual fun was being had, it was a good reminder to appreciate it. To this day, she’ll still drop an “are we having fun yet?” at comedically opportune times, but if Pamela were to appear in my living room at the start of this episode of The Bachelorette to pose the question, the answer would be resounding and sarcasm-free no.

Watching Lee call Kenny “aggressive” over and over in the South Carolina Yacht Club is about as much fun as 11 hours in a packed midsize sedan. Watching sweet Will try to educate Lee on the history of black males and the word aggressive while giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s just doesn’t know any better is not fun. The men are cutting this duplicitous piece of human garbage too much slack—Lee knows exactly what he’s doing, and unfortunately its working on the world’s most lovable pro wrestler dad, Kenny.  Peter, the Lauren Conrad-esque voice of the audience in this episode, said it best, “The only way Lee will remain relevant is if he keeps pissing Kenny off.” If he means relevant to the world (and you just know Peter is one of those self-aware types), than he and his beautiful, perfect face are spot on.

Bryan gets the date rose and sharpens its thorns on his cheekbones.

Next up: two Dallas lawyers go on a one-on-one date!

At this point, some might be wondering why she would take Jack Stone on this intimate date, a person who she has seemingly no interest in or chemistry with, but I get it! I know this date: The good-on-paper guy. Rachel was probably thinking how easy it would be if she could just fall in love with Jack Stone and return home with him so they could take on the Dallas lawyer scene hand-in-hand. They could go over briefings together! (I assume!) No one would have to move or re-take the bar!

But alas, when Jack Stone said he wanted to take her back to Dallas, lock the door, push everything out (?!?), and just hang out in bed, Rachel says, “That didn’t sound great to me.” To be fair, that did not sound great to me either. She cuts him loose, and Jack Stone rides off into the sunset to claim the Instagram teeth whitening endorsement he so clearly deserves. Goodbye, Jack Stone. See you in Paradise, probably.

this gif is (Jack) STONE COLD

Rachel arrives to the Rose Ceremony™ in an ensemble that makes the Angelina Jolie leg dress look like a Catholic nun’s habit.

Bryan, Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt (?), Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and Lee (barf) get a rose. The best part of this is when Adam (who I totally forgot was from Dallas) says, “She’s gotten a glimpse [of Adam]; she’s gotten a snack. But I want her to see the full kitchen.” (For what it’s worth, I’d like to see the full kitchen, Adam.) The worst part of this is Lee.

RIP Jonathan, aka Tickle, aka Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. “I’m going to miss you most of all!” – Rachel.

(Side note: Jonathan says he just needs to find a girl who appreciates a good tickling, but I don’t know, maybe he should find a girl who appreciates THE OCCUPATION OF BEING A DOCTOR.)

The gang goes to Oslo, Norway!

Bryan and Rach go on a one-on-one in this magical land where the brotestants are extremely lucky the spelling bee did not take place. (Holmenkollen? Formannskapsdistrikt?!) They repel off a 187-foot-tall ski jump and Rach is like, “187 is MURDER!” (I guess section 187 of the California Penal Code means murder. Is Rachel licensed to practice law there too? Damn, girl.)

They survive. And she did it in heels. To celebrate life, Rachel puts on like five layers of gold glitter eyeshadow and looks amazing where as I would look like a Rupaul’s Drag Race hopeful. Life is great, but unfair. Bryan is falling in love.

We get a quick cut back to brotestants’ suite where we finally see the beautiful man that is Anthony speak to Eric, and he ends up being sage AF about Rachel dating preferences.

The Group Date™ gang goes to play some sort of soccer/basketball hybrid called handball. “Handball is life!” says a coach is not amused by literally that happens on this date.

Back at the hotel, Lee is lifting weights in cowboy boots and jeans like the monster he is and says that the two-on-one rose is more important than the one-on-one rose. FACT: only three people in the history of this 15-year-old franchise have gone on to win from a two-on-one while one-on-one date survivors last an average of 1.5 weeks longer than other contestants overall, so… wrong.

Back at the date, Josiah goes ALL IN even after Rachel pretty much explicitly says do not go all in or I will think you are crazy. His headstrong delusions are intense to watch, as is the Peter/Rachel makeout in the random hot tub. (Props to you, Bachelor interns! Hookups for hot tubs all over the world!)

Finally, Kenny, Rachel, and Lee arrive in a remote location to sit awkwardly at a Target Threshold outdoor display.

Lee unloads complete lies about Kenny and tells Rachel, “I’m never going to lie to you.” You’re not a good person, and you dumb, Lee. We get a To Be Continued, and I simply cannot wait to see Rachel lawyer this intolerant, idiotic blight on my hometown of Nashville tonight.

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