It’s been two weeks since our last recap, and a lot has gone down in Bachelor land. The first piece of news actually arrived before our last post (I missed it, and that’s on me, and I’m disappointed with myself). More on that in a second. The other story, of course, is the shuttering of Bachelor in Paradise. I won’t dig into that, because we’re here to talk about our wonderful Dallas Bachelorette, and also because there are more questions than answers surrounding that incident. I don’t like to form opinions until I can get a full picture, but regardless of what happened, it’s all disappointing.
One fact we do know for certain: Lee Garrett is a garbage person. If you missed it, here’s everything you need to know. Sadly, his intolerance and bigotry doesn’t just make for frustrating television, it also makes me question the show’s intentions. How could ABC not have seen these tweets before casting Lee? It’s hard and disappointing to believe that the powers that be wouldn’t do a thorough background check of every man they allow to vie for Rachel’s heart. They should have just let Rachel perform the checks herself; I’m sure she would have competently discovered Lee’s terribleness.
Speaking of Rachel competently doing things for herself, girl was shutting things down on Twitter last night.
But you use my hashtag…thanks for keeping me trending girl! #ihavetimetoday
— Rachel Lindsay (@TheRachLindsay) June 20, 2017
There was also this stupidity from Leah Block, a contestant on Ben Higgins’ season. (She has since deleted the tweet and apologized, but the Internet is forever.)
Anyway, I guess we should talk about this episode. Try as he might, Lee could not fully overshadow it with his awfulness. There was Peter’s salt and pepper hair, Dean’s moment to shine, a man who apparently injects steroids into his balls (can I say that here?), and an extremely enjoyable episode tag involving Will, Josiah, Kenny, Eric and Game of Thrones British accents.
Let’s hit the highlights.
We dive back into the Iggy, Eric, and Lee drama where Lee literally says the words, “I’m not willing to make peace with Eric. I didn’t come here to make friends.” You’re a treat and a stereotype, Lee.
Important things to note at this Rose Ceremony™: Where there is drama, Peter is not. Man just keeps getting better. Bryan’s cheekbones have somehow gotten more pronounced. Dean is wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt (for reference), but it’s fine because he calls Lee “kind of a bi***” and will not play the producers’ game.
Rachel continues to solidify her status as the best Bachelor or Bachelorette lead of all time by handling herself with poise in a situation where others would have descended into a puddle of tears and feelings (I’m looking at you, JoJo). This would actually be the most understandable time to break down too. Rachel isn’t just another Bachelorette. There are extra eyes and extra pressures on her, and it’s good to acknowledge that every now and then. Was part of that extra pressure from the producers begging her to keep Lee on for one more week? Probz. Ugh. He also gives Rachel some jankity wood carving that’s far more terrifying than Adam’s doll.
Adam Jr. hopes you'll join us next week for #TheBachelorette! 🎧 pic.twitter.com/jVdFqnh0sF
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 20, 2017
Was the vanity license plate that was Whaboom all just some big distraction to keep us from really seeing this terrible, terrible man? At least Dean is there to charm his with his crazy pronunciation of “quirk.”
Scary Western music plays as we head into the Rose Ceremony ™ and I am not amused. Will, Dean, Tickle Monster (who is an actual doctor), Peter, Adam, Eric, Bryan, Josiah, Jack, Iggy, Kenny, and Lee get a rose. RIP Diggy’s bowties.
The gang goes to Hilton Head!
Dean gets the one-one-one. Rachel has high expectations and so do I, girl.
The date is super old school Bachelor. There’s a picnic, the producers exploiting the deepest fears of the contestants for entertainment value, someone opening up about a tragic past (I wept), and it all ends with a concert by some rando country band that no one has heard of.
Dean seems truly terrified of heights, but I felt such a surge of pure joy when he yelled, “I’m a blimp pilot!”
Back at the Hilton House, the guys are concocting a plan for bringing down adorable, precious Dean. Yeah, he’s young, but he does have what looks to be a halfway decent job and that’s something here. Plus he’s real cute! Let a girl live! The Date Card™ arrives and every man on earth is going on this boat partay. Seriously, are there more men here now than last week? Did somebody feed Adam’s doll after midnight? I did enjoy watching all of them drink out of those silly straws though.
On the boat, Rachel rocks an adorable off-the-shoulder top and the menfolk de-shirt and dance for her. (Except for Peter, which I respect and everything but also SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT, PETER.) Just when I was starting to notice how much sexy man dancing we’ve seen this season, Chris Harrison conjures up a spelling bee (because intellect?) and Josiah deftly goes from talking up his bod to talking up his vocab.
Honestly, I really enjoyed this. From those poor 12-year-old girl judges having to put their headphones on for Peter to misspell coitus (watch the Big Bang Theory, bro) to finding out that Will “reads like six books a day” (swoon), this is the most into a Bachelor/ette game I think I’ve ever been. Josiah and his highwaters win because he got the word “stunning” and quiet-but-clearly-brilliant-and-beautiful Anthony got freaking “boutonniere” (which I just had to rely on autocorrect to type correctly). Josiah straight up makes out with his reflection and his trophy for the “Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions.” Get it together, ABC.
😳#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/Dab3oYQ4xW
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 20, 2017
We return to the Hilton House for a cocktail party where the men decide to make terrible decisions. Like real bad decisions. First Iggy goes full Gretch Weiners and is like, you didn’t hear it from me, but Josiah is here for the wrong reasons and won’t let me wear hoop earrings anymore. Except he then immediately tells Josiah that she did hear it from him. Somebody says that Iggy is the gossip queen, but a true queen of gossip would never blow their cover like that. Josiah tells producers that “with all due respect, Iggy’s a bi***,” and drops something about him injecting steroids into his balls. (I guess I’m saying it.) That is quite the statement! Is that even possible? The show just moves right along past this, but I have questions!
Lee is all positive and (dare I say it and throw up in a mouth a little bit) charming in front of our dear Rachel and I haven’t seen such duplicitousness since the season one finale of The Good Place! He then interrupts sweet Kenny who completely falls for Lee’s plan to bait and break down everyone he dislikes, which is mostly everyone. Lee also makes Peter “uncomfortable.” Nobody make Peter uncomfortable on my watch!
ABC refuses to give us episodes with proper beginnings, middles, and ends anymore so we get another “To Be Continued.” Next week: Kenny vs. Lee for the two-on-one.
