As I watched this third entry into the video diary that is Rachel’s love story, I couldn’t help but think of the term “man drama” over and over again. I struggle with that. Saying things like “man drama,” “man tears,” “man math,” or “girl boss,” contributes to the idea that the noun being modified is more inherently aligned with the adjective’s opposite. But of course that’s not true. A boss is just a boss. Your tears are just your tears. And the thirst for drama isn’t limited to one gender. John Mayer’s reputation didn’t get muddied all on its own. That man loves drama!
Yes, dear readers, if you look for it I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that drama actually is all around. Never has that been more clear than the silly, contrived, and lamely acted out examples we saw from the brotestants tonight.
So, DeMario begs for a second chance after an inspirational conversation with an Uber driver, who tells him “not to take no for an answer.” (Hmmm.) The actual goddess walking among us shoots this tall man down swiftly and eloquently. “I need a man who, when they’re confronted with a difficult situation, they don’t start lying about it,” Rachel says. “But that’s not what you did.” (May we never forget “I met her many many times ago.”) DeMario is a boy. Rachel needs a man. She purrs “thank you” as she slowly turns her back, and an actual chill goes down my actual spine.
One man, I forget his name, says to the producers, “Rachel handled this two thumbs up, hands down.” Alright.
We return to the mansion DeMario-less, where the men attempt to get some face time before the Rose Ceremony™. The Tickle Monster is still relying on that, Will’s “upbeat personality does not go unnoticed” and they kiss (!!!), and Whaboom adds a little nuance to his catch phrase. It’s slower; more somber. There seems to be a question mark at the end. It’s like he’s coming down from the blind rage of his Monster Energy-fueled existence.
There’s some nonsense about Blake and Whaboom and bananas and not eating carbs (stop bragging, Blake!) but I refuse.
At the Rose Ceremony™, puns get dropped (“You know I Will,” “How Kenny say no.”), and we’re getting near constant ITMs with Blake and Whaboom, so it’s pretty clear their time torturing America is finally up. “It’s a sad day in Paradise,” says a completely deflated Whaboom.
They leave the manse and get in the absolute lamest fight. This is actually is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen on TV, and I’ve seen Rory Gilmore do a British accent.
PUBLIC ABC PLEA: Do NOT put these NERDS anywhere near my beloved Bachelor in Paradise. Also, how dare you force Jimmy Kimmel to speak with that man.
The next day, Bryan, Tickle Monster, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred the Camper head to Ellen sporting casual, dove gray ensembles. They play games, have uncomfortable convos about kissing, and discard their gray cotton and cashmere to dance shirtless in the audience. Ellen says she likes Will. (!!!)
The gang heads to Hudson Loft where Rachel kisses everyone (except Tickle Monster, because he’s a Tickle Monster). Then Fred’s on deck. Fred can’t sleep. Fred can’t stop thinking about Rachel. Fred’s been waiting to kiss this girl for twenty years. When they do, he immediately starts picturing their wedding.
But then Rachel calls him Frederick and we know this spells doom. She says it felt like “a little boy was kissing her.” That, my friends, is one tough diss.
Fred decamps. (Get it?)
Alex gets the Group Date Rose™.
BACK AT THE MANSION, Eric is unraveling at a precipitous rate. He’s having visions?
CUT TO RODEO DRIVE.
We never see a date card being given (I suspect Chris Harrison simply could not be summoned from his underground cryogenic chamber) so a man named Anthony has to narrate the experience of getting it himself. Rachel and Anthony ride horses on Rodeo Drive. Fine. Rachel is comfortable with horses but she’s not all about horses. “I’m a city girl, I’m from Dallas,” she says. Yeah, girl.
Anthony is really beautiful and can sort of pull off earrings. But who is he?
They feed their horses cupcakes from a Sprinkles ATM.
Rachel says, “Anthony is very endearing and cute.” Yeah, but who is he?
They go to a store called “Only in Beverly Hills” (a real store, y’all), and the horses promptly relieve themselves of the aforementioned cupcakes. Sorry, store.
Jazz happens, and a manly man named Anthony gets the Date Rose™.
The next day, Rachel and HER GIRLS (Raven, Corrine, Alexis, and Jasmine) arrive at the mansion to whisk Brady, Dean, Kenny, Brice, Jack Stone, Lee, Eric, and Adam away to a saloon for some mud wrestling, because riding horses in Beverly Hills wasn’t Southern enough for ABC, I guess.
Throughout this display, two Moscow Mule-weilding girls in the audience are convinced to yell out the following on national television: “Let me see your junk!” and “Let me see that butt!” Girls, no.
Brice worries because “Kenny’s like a professional wrestler.” Dude, Kenny IS a professional wrestler. Drop the colloquialisms. Male model Brady manages not to mess up his hair. Talk about a commitment to your craft.
"Brady’s hair is a force that can’t be reckoned with.” –Rachel#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/XS3wPQrnga
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 6, 2017
Rachel’s Girls™ warn Rachel about Eric.
The gang proceeds to a bar, where Rachel falls asleep on Eric’s scarf. Eric is getting needy and insecure which cannot sustain a man in Bachelor Nation. Lee and Eric get in a fight and this is a matchup I care not for. Eric gets the Date Rose™?
We cut to our next Rose Ceremony™, and Rach wears another beaut of a dress and matching coat, but we’re distracted by the complete and utter malfunctioning of Eric. Drama, man. It’s all around.
The motto for tonight is: Boy Bye #TheBachelorette
— Rachel Lindsay (@TheRachLindsay) June 6, 2017
Stray Observations
- You can tell in the preview that some discussions about race (the first real ones of the season, really) are coming in hot next week. I’m sure Rachel will handle it as well as anyone possibly could, but it will be interesting to see how the show handles it.
- Where was Josiah?
- Where was Copper?!
- According to Rach’s Instagram story, she crashed a watch party at Sundown at Granada last night, and the best part about this is that it looked SO chill. From what we could see, no one freaked out and embarrassed themselves. They all just sat and talked about the show together. Yay!
