Lesson: Never date a Chad.

The Bachelorette Episode 5 Recap: Dallas Rumors Make It To Uruguay

Two weeks without JoJo and her men, and what an empty, meaningless time it has been.

Two weeks without JoJo and her men, and what an empty, meaningless time it has been. I missed the genuine, enriching conversations, the true model of modern courtship, and the breathtaking escapes in faraway lands.

Nemacolin, Pennsylvania

Ashes to ashes, dust to protein powder.
Ashes to ashes, dust to protein powder.

So we pick right back up where we left off, in the heat of Chad’s dismissal. The boys are celebrating his loss by spreading his leftover “protein shake ashes” and I’m not even mad, I’m just impressed. Spiritual. And what continues for possibly the next entire 45 seconds is ITM after another, scene after scene, of the guys basking Chad’s absence. This, dear readers, is what we’re going to call concrete foreshadowing, or obvious-as-hell foreshadowing.

Chad knocks on the front door, in all his tight-shirt, scowl-face glory. Jordan takes this opportunity to act as a mediator between Chad and the boys, as a final shot at ending things on good terms before Chad goes home. But because Chad is Chad, he refuses to apologize, and they don’t make amends. And because Chad is still Chad after the show ended, it doesn’t look like they’ll be making amends any time soon.

Without Chad around to eat raw sweet potatoes or do pull-ups with luggage chained to him, the rest of episode is pretty predictable – even with two rose ceremonies. The five guys who didn’t receive a rose were likely losses, and despite Alex’s unrelenting tiny-man anger syndrome, the guys still seem to enjoy each other, and really seem to enjoy JoJo.

Men who are so in love with JoJo, it physically hurts me: James F., Robby, Luke, and Alex.

During the first cocktail hour, James F. wrote JoJo a poem that I’m too immature to appreciate, but she said it was “unbelievable” so I’ll take her word for it. Luke told her in a shaky on-the-verge-of-tears voice that he’s constantly thinking of her when he wakes up, when they’re together, and when they’re apart. Robby is delusional and thinks he and JoJo are “miles ahead” of the others, and Alex is just high on himself because he’s five feet shorter than Chad and still got the two-on-one rose.

Men who are trying so hard to appear in love with JoJo, it physically hurts me: Jordan.

Jordan and his boy band hair have clearly been catching up on his RomComs, because he pulled a move right out of the Nicholas Sparks books: He pushed JoJo against a wall and kissed her, right around the corner from the other guys. Maybe in episode 6, we’ll see him canoe JoJo out on a lake filled with ducks, or buy her a white house with blue shutters and a big old porch wrapped around it.

During the first rose ceremony, JoJo handed out roses to everyone but James F. and Damn Daniel, giving Evan the last rose. Seriously, how did she keep Vinny and Evan over James F.? Why does she keep pretending to like Vinny? And I’m sorry James F., but I called it.

JoJo revealed that they will be flying to Punta Del Esta, Uruguay the next day, and literally no one has ever heard of it. But like, congrats.

So now it’s just 11 guys, one gal, one Uruguay. JoJo tells the camera she needs to make sure that all 11 guys are here for just her. Meanwhile in Dallas, the rest of us nearly kill ourselves just trying to get ONE guy to focus on us. But we’re fine. Still wishing you the best, Jo.

1-on-1 date with Jordan: “Let’s Seal the Date”

Screen Shot 2016-06-21 at 1.33.27 AM
LeT’s sEaL tHe DaTe

While JoJoJo enjoy life tangled up together on a yacht, swimming among the seals, and just wearing swimsuits on their P90X bodies in general, the rest of the guys are back at the house reading InTouch magazine. The rest of the guys are all of us. The InTouch cover is about JoJo and her ex, Chad, (not that Chad) which begs the question, who brought over an InTouch magazine from the U.S., or does Uruguay have a Bachelor following? And which is sadder?

Back at JoJoJo’s date, he tells her that, “he means every word he says,” and it’s super convincing. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, and it’s super convincing. And yet! Trouble in JoJoJo paradise! JoJo has a rumor that traveled from Uptown to Uruguay and she’s disclosing it on date night. Someone, AKA probably a girl wearing Lululemon eating FroYo in Snider Plaza, told JoJo that, “Jordan was not the best in relationships.” She didn’t say “cheating” but we all speak sorority girl language.

Who is this mystery ex though? Spoiler, it’s me. All me. I def dated a former NFL quarterback, dumped him, and gossiped about it over FroYo.

But Jordan is a master with words, probably better with words than a football, and he dances around the story in a way that gives JoJo enough confidence to trust him. Jordan gets a rose.

They celebrate in their mutual trust by dancing like awkward gringos in the middle of a large mariachi band.

But that’s not the only Dallas rumor that made it to Uruguay.

Riding on the high of “one of the best dates of her life” JoJo gets interrupted by a producer in her ITM with said shocking InTouch article: a “tell all” from her ex, Chad, claiming that she was secretly dating him the whole time while filming The Bachelor. She immediately starts crying, almost suspiciously fast. Her face twists as she sobs through the unfairness, the absurdness, and yet no tears are falling down her cheeks.

With the comfort of a gray duster cardigan over her date-night dress, a sniffly, teary-eyed JoJo confronts the guys and promises she’s there for the right reasons, and that was a terrible time of her life. She cries real tears this time, but I’m still waiting for her to flash an ugly Kim K. cry face. The guys are very understanding. We’ve all been there. All of our exes wrote about us in InTouch.

JoJo cried enough to convince the guys she means business. God bless. We can all move on happily now.

Commercials.

JoJo and the guys “sand-surfed” on the group date, and no one knows what they’re doing, or cares. They’re all just trying to find alone time with Jo to tell her the same thing. Luke assures her that he stands behind her no matter what. They kiss. James Taylor assures her he trusts her. They kiss. Wells cheers her to the future. They kiss.

No matter how many seasons I watch, I can’t get over the idea of constantly switching gears, being aware of your appearance, staying on your “A-game,” and kissing multiple different people in one day. I’m so exhausted for JoJo just typing it out.

After the kiss-a-thon, we learn Derek and Alex don’t get along, and by that, I mean Alex is just the smallest, angriest man all the time, no matter what. Chad used to set Alex off, because Chad, but if a guy like Derek spikes your blood pressure, then it’s not me, it’s you. Sweet baby lamb Derek told JoJo he’s been feeling insecure about the other guys. JoJo gave him the group date rose out of assurance, which filled Alex with disgust, all five feet of him.

I just want to dress him in an elf costume and put him in a mall and watch him scare away the children. I feel like anywhere there is happiness on this show, an angry Alex manifests out of nearby protein powder.

1-on-1 date with Robby: “Love Is Within Our Reach”

Screen Shot 2016-06-21 at 1.34.26 AM
Screenshot from The Bachelorette or Chubbies Shorts Instagram, I don’t know.

JoJo speaks of her love for dogs, and how Robby reminds her of a puppy, and it’s almost sweet and complimentary, until you realize JoJo called him a puppy – the actual most emasculating thing you can do. I bet she’d never call Ben Higgins or Jordan puppies.

She drives them to a beach, which begs the question why does JoJo always drive on dates? And does Uruguay not have Uber?

Meanwhile my mom is texting me how worried she is for these guys, they just want to meet someone nice, she’s sure they will one day, and even though I’ve only looked away from the TV a few seconds, JoJo is already stripped to a swimsuit, for the 6,918th time this season. She and Robby jump off a rock together. It’s obviously love.

During dinner that night, Robby revealed he lost his best friend in a car crash, and it changed the way he thinks about life, and it’s what led him to The Bachelorette. There’s no music playing, and JoJo is crying. It is one of those rare, somber moments on the show. I wish I could be cynical. Just seconds later, Robby tells JoJo he’s in love with her, and finally I can be cynical, because this is your first 1-on-1 date with her, Robby, calm down.

She didn’t say it back, but she gave him a rose, so it’s the same thing. Seconds later, fireworks and kissing on the beach. It’s obviously love.

In true Bachelor speak, JoJo confesses, “I feel like I could fall in love with him.” Okay, so you’re not in love with him. Good. Glad that’s cleared up.

Back at the mansion, Derek initiates a confrontation with Alex, Robby, Chase, and Jordan before the rose ceremony. Derek tells them they’ve been acting “cliquey” and I don’t think he means the Kanye kind. Jordan laughs it off, and Alex thinks Derek is trying to just distract them all from alone time with JoJo, and yet JoJo isn’t even around. Chris Harrison appears out of thin air and announces there won’t be a cocktail hour, which shoots Evan’s anxiety through the Uruguayan roof.

JoJo stepped out in a forest green thigh-slit gown with a gold plated belt and gave roses out to all except Vinny, Evan, and Grant. Like I said, a predictable group, packing bags for the U.S.

I have to say, Evan surprisingly won me over this season. He started out as the creepy guy with a potentially made up job title, and ended up being just a genuine, quirky guy who means well, and gets an occasional nose bleed. I’m not like, trying to marry him, but he deserves an honorable mention and I feel JoJo agrees.

A teary-eyed Grant tells the camera JoJo made a mistake by sending him home. While I never saw JoJo marrying Grant, I can’t help but somehow agree with him and his overpowering man suave. I feel like he probably smells good.

And finally, Vinny. We all knew that was coming, and yet he cried the hardest. Yes, all three grown men are crying after knowing JoJo mere weeks, and yes, it’s just as hard to type as it is to watch.

Coming up: Kissing and crying in Buenos Aires! Ahh, the path to true love! You’re almost there JoJo, or should I say viewers at home. Just six more weeks. Eight more men. Two from Texas.

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