Even with all the crazy Chad drama, writing about The Bachelorette has reminded me why I miss The Bachelor: All the crazy women. And more than that, the old-as-time female habit of comparing myself to them. Now I only have JoJo to compare myself to, and by JoJo, I mean her hair.
I had long hair too, once upon a time. It made for some grade-A Facebook profile pics. So grateful. So blessed. But we all had to grow up and put on our big girl panties, get a full-time job, and cut our hair. And lob it. And dye it platinum. So I patiently await the day JoJo posts a selfie donning her newly chopped plob (platinum long bob) with a caption like, “Platinums have more fun!” And no, I’ve definitely never done that. #JoJoGetALob2016 #LetsGetThisTrending
Prediction: The Bachelor season 21 will be full of plobs.
Anyways. Let’s get to episode 3, where lobs are still just a twinkle in Chris Harrison’s eye.
This episode is the first of a two-part series this week because Mike Fliess has no regard for Bachelor Nation’s Tuesday night plans. And disclaimer: Episode 3 is full of sexual content, both implicit and explicit. So happy 18th anniversary, Sex and The City.
One-on-one date with Chase: Let’s get physical
Chase and JoJo’s first date would be a living nightmare outside of the reality TV facade. It’s a private, couple’s hot yoga class, which is similar to a couple’s massage, except you basically massage each other while the yoga instructor watches.
The yoga instructor asks how long they’ve been intimate, as they embrace each other in a full-body hug. They say never. They laugh. Bonding. Then they all perform “anger-gasms.” I once took Sunstone’s hot yoga, but never had to do that. So I don’t know what you California people are into, but I’m not into it.
The rest of the session could have been disastrous because JoJo claims she’s never done yoga before. But thank God the only pose they did was Woman Straddles Man. And I’m going to assume she’s familiar with that meditation practice.
And can we talk about the Twilight wolf scene tattooed on Chase’s ribs? Is he team Jacob? Because that’s a deal breaker for me. #TeamEdward
Back at the mansion, we see Chad and Damn Daniel engaging in their own half naked couple’s exercises, thrusting dumbbells and grunting together.
Chase and JoJo’s date night is filed with JoJo praising him for “just going with it” AKA sitting on the floor while she straddled him. They agree they felt very connected during yoga. I’m halfway convinced that you could “connect” with anyone if you sat on them and stared long enough. I’ll ask my Kroger cashier to try it out with me and report back.
Still basking in their connection, Chase confides in JoJo about his parent’s divorce, and it’s vulnerable, and she loves it. They walk outside to find Charles Kelley performing a private concert. Chase and I both pretend to know who Charles Kelley is, then he and JoJo dance and kiss the date away.
Chase gets a rose. Namaste.
Group date: Love has no secrets
After receiving the group date card, the men immediately begin bickering like children. It’s a game of verbal back and forth: Chad vs. Jordan, Chad vs. Evan, Chad vs. Alex.
It’s like the scene in Hook when Robin Williams and Rufio call each other names in rapid-fire verbal banter. I’m just waiting for one of the contestants to slip and say, “You… you man! Stupid, stupid man!”
So many things to prove: Who is the alpha male of the mansion? Will Chad’s true colors be revealed to JoJo? Who will defeat Captain Hook, save Peter’s children, and return the lost marbles?
The group arrives at Atwater Village Theatre. Nick B., Chad, James F., Evan, Christian, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, Grant, Jordan, Wells, and Alex were picked for this classic, bring-her-home-to-mom type of date: Tell a sex story to a live studio audience on national network television.
Setting the tone, the act opens up with a woman pretending she’s orgasming. (Or was that real? I don’t want to know?). It’s truly as awkward and painful as it sounds. It’s not at all like When Harry Met Sally.
After host Jenna Brister and other comedians told their sex tales, JoJo and the boys took turns. It’s basically like that college house party we’ve all been to, when you’re forced to play “Never Have I Ever.” There’s the people who are totally above it and won’t participate (Chad); the people who share lukewarm, but still semi-funny stories that aren’t damaging enough for blackmail (Nick B., Vinny); then there are the people who fully brief the most grotesque save-that-for-your-deathbed revelations (Jordan, Daniel, Alex, Christian).
And then there’s Evan. He has to have some great material, being an erectile dysfunction specialist, but instead he used the time to just roast Chad and the “risks of doing steroids.” Chad definitely handled it well. And by “well” I mean he only grabbed and ripped Evan’s shirt moments later, instead of roid-rage-murdering him.
Chad’s stand-up routine entailed ignoring the assignment, calling JoJo on stage, rambling something about the future, and trying to kiss her. She turned her cheek. Filled with embarrassment, rage, and possibly steroids, Chad punches a metal wall walking out of the building. So not the complete worst thing that could have happened, you know.
She could have actually let him kiss her. That would have been the worst thing.
The only guy who handled this like his mama was in the back-row was Wells, who told a “threesome” story about a platonic appointment with his doctor and nurse. Thank you for serving, Wells.
If you want a full low-down on who said what and other potential spoilers, indulge yourself on Reality Steve. I’m too delicate to rehash the debauchery here.
Later, Jordan opens up to JoJo and yet says nothing at all. She loves it. She responds by draping her bare leg over him, and talking about how she was closed off with Ben for the *longest* time. Take notes, single ladies and little girls everywhere.
Then we see Chad confiding to whoever will listen to him, explaining his side of the Evan altercation. He said, “I don’t start anything, but I don’t take anything,” and I hate myself for sympathizing with him for a few sweet seconds. Evan walks in and Chad tells him to, “Stay away.” Harsh words, good idea. We’ll see if Evan can stick to it.
When Chad and JoJo grab alone time, she admits she’s super confused about him. We can’t imagine why, JoJo?! Before they’re really able to hash it out, freaking Evan walks up. (Even, you had one job.)
Evan is alone with JoJo now, and goes into intricate song and dance about the horrors of Chad, and gives her the “Chad or me” ultimatum that we all saw coming. If I’ve learned anything in my small, insignificant dating experience, it’s that if you have to give someone an ultimatum, they already don’t like you. It’s already over.
So what’s a Dallas girl and her sequined mini skirt to do? It’s obvious she’s more into Chad than Evan, despite it all. She manages to keep them both and still keep Evan happy, by giving him the group date rose and an awkward peck that I swear all but causes real emoji hearts to actually burst out of his eyes.
JoJo decided the situation was dramatic enough to bring up to the group, so she sat in the middle of the circle and explained why Evan got the rose. Chad battled cardiogenic shock at the news, asking, “Are you seriously vibing him?” Then JoJo put Chad in his place like a mom scolds a 5-year-old in front of his friends.
In an ITM, Alex said he was going to DVR the scene and watch it repeatedly. No one can stop you, Alex.
The next morning, Derek confides to Wells that he feels unsafe sleeping next to Chad, but honestly I can’t even focus on the conversation because Derek just keeps getting cuter and it scares me. Next thing you know, there is a security guard posted outside Chad and Derek’s room. We’re happy for you, Derek.
One-on-one date with James Taylor: Let’s kick it old school
Our favorite James Taylor got the last one-on-one date of the week, which means Luke, Robby, and Derek will get no time with JoJo. Please pray.
JoJo takes James Taylor swing dancing because clearly she just wants to dress in vintage clothing and I get it. Themes are fun. By the end of the season, we’ll have so much footage of JoJo in various costumes and uniforms, we’ll be able to make a Beyoncé music video. But with bad dancing.
A very exciting first in Bachelorette history: It appears as though a woman rose from her 1930s grave to be here to properly teach them how to swing dance. This woman has to be at least 402 years old. She was married to her dance partner and they “danced through life.” So happy for her.
JoJo’s liquid liner is so well done and historically accurate that James Taylor doesn’t even notice they’re both godawful at dancing. She looks like an extra in The Notebook so at least JoJo’s 8th grade dreams are coming true. So happy for her.
Back at the mansion, Damn Daniel and Chad are enjoying more one-on-one time. Damn Daniel attempts to counsel Chad, while Chad shows us his new diet called Living Off Raw Veggies And Haters.
*Damn Daniel offers weird advice, comparing Chad to Hitler*
*Chad bites into raw sweet potato*
*Damn Daniel perseveres, undeterred by the spud*
*Chad bites raw iceberg lettuce*
“Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler,” the most likable thing Chad has said all season.
Chad appears to not even hear Damn Daniel, but instead envisions him on a platter surrounded by raw veggies.
Date night with JoJo and James Taylor appears to be as happy and carefree as it was earlier. But JoJo’s ITM reveals she’s not feeling that emotional connection with James. Four seconds later, she’s talking about Ben. R.I.P. to everyone actually drinking when JoJo brings up Ben.
James Taylor reveals he was teased for being ugly when he was little. Lucky for him, he grew up cute and now it’s endearing when he tells this story on dates. Nothing worse than being the ugly adult version of the kid you’re describing.
He tells JoJo how he used to fee unworthy to talk to pretty girls, and instead refer them to his best friend, Marcus. So I tweeted James to introduce me to his best friend Marcus because I’m the definition of “mature” and “committed to my work.”
He has yet to respond, but stay tuned single women of Dallas, I’m trying.
Their date ends with James Taylor playing a song he wrote for her on his guitar. It’s predictable and cheesy, yet sweet and flattering. JoJo and I are swooning and will not apologize for it. James gets a rose.
ABC abruptly interrupts this sentimental moment and cuts to a jarring scene of Chad and Damn Daniel working out and grunting. Then, Chris Harrison shocks us all by A) appearing, and B) breaking the news that there will be no cocktail party, but instead, an all-day pool party this week.
Which is perfect timing, because two hours of watching JoJo in a swimsuit is exactly what we all need to make us feel good about our summer 2016 bodies.
Evan approaches Chris Harrison and tells him “what’s been going on with Chad” and Chris tries to act like he doesn’t already know. Then he pulls aside a shirtless Chad and tells him to make amends with Evan, because Chris Harrison has a full time job and it’s not being a middle school counselor, people.
Will Chad confront and/or murder Evan? Is Jordan able to live up to Ben Higgins in JoJo’s eyes? Will JoJo’s secret ploy to wear a swimsuit the entire season keep the men under her spell? To be continued until tomorrow night’s episode.
Episode 3 part II preview: Evan bleeding, men yelling, James Taylor bleeding, Chad cursing, someone gets pushed in the pool, and JoJo crying. Kind of has a ring to it.
Photos via ABC, pandawhale.com