Maybe it’s just because JoJo is from Dallas, but I feel like The Bachelorette buzz is on steroids this year. Like, what presidential election? Are the Olympics 2016 still happening? Who cares? There’s a hot, successful, single girl from Dallas – that’s the real news!
And speaking of the presidential election, I hope JoJo chose her Bachelor wisely. At this rate, whoever she picks could inadvertently end up being a 3rd party presidential candidate. Happy Memorial Day.
First group date: “Let’s heat things up”
The first group date, also known as JoJo’s secret sex fantasy, involves the guys getting dressed in Fireman gear and competing to “save JoJo’s life” through different manly challenges.
Luke, Grant, Will, Evan Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F. ,Wells, Robby were the lucky chosen ones for the date; Grant being the luckiest (he is a real firefighter).
I hope the next group date is football with Jordan.
I can’t help but wonder if JoJo took Ali Fedotowsky’s advice and is ignoring the guys she likes the first week, which would make this group her B-team. I also can’t help but notice Jordan isn’t there. Suspicious.
But ignorance really is bliss, because these guys are risking to fake lose their lives to fake save JoJo. Just ask Wells, who weighs about an Olsen twin and a half, and all but passed out during the challenge.
He was literally asked to sit down, take off his protective gear, and sip water. It’s not embarrassing.
Grant won the challenge, and thus extra time to be vulnerable with JoJo. Is anyone surprised? Honestly, if he hadn’t won, he should have just quit. The show. His job. Being American. Everything.
Robby is cute, but way too intense about JoJo. He was in shambles after Grant “saved the girl of his dreams.” Someone hose Robby down.
Back at the mansion, James Taylor is playing the guitar and leading everyone in song about JoJo. Oh, and they’re all shirtless. And the song is kind of catchy. It’s like Chippendales’ Grease Live. Help? I like this? This is my fantasy group date?
Of course, Chad isn’t singing with them. He sits in the corner, sneering under his breath.
Later, we see Damn Daniel and Chad bonding and agreeing that girls should “stay away from the nice guys” because “they’re the ones with the agenda.” This is coming from two guys who are clearly self-aware and successful in relationships so it’s valid.
During the group date night, JoJo pulls Wells aside first. I can’t tell if JoJo genuinely likes Wells or just feels bad for almost accidentally hospitalizing him.
Later, JoJo assures Will that she is “a joker.” Take a drink every time you hear a pretty girl call herself “goofy” or “a joker.”
Luke received a lot of camera time early in the show. Which is good, because it’s not too late to become a male model if this doesn’t work out for him. JoJo asked him about his past relationships, and I can’t decide if she genuinely wants to know, or just wants an excuse to talk about Ben more.
Luke reveals he hasn’t been in a serious relationship in three years and JoJo rewards him with a steamy rooftop kiss. They’re still kissing. I checked Facebook, they’re still kissing. I got married and had kids, they’re still kissing.
But too bad, Luke. Wells received the group date rose. How far will JoJo go in her sympathy for Wells? Is she going to marry him over this?
Oh, hi Ben Higgins in the Family Feud commercial. Lucky that he escaped having to hold underwear in the painful Clorox commercials. JoJo wasn’t so #blessed.
First one-on-one date goes to Derek: “Life is full of choices.”
If watching The Bachelor has taught me anything, it’s that there’s nothing ABC loves more than filming men get dressed. I hope Derek felt prepared for that abs shot.
Reminder: Derek is a clone of Jim from The Office. God bless the troops.
JoJo picks him up, and as they drive along the road, they meet a series of options that dictates where they go on their date. But this is The Bachelorette and all roads eventually lead to a private jet.
Look at that. They’re on a private jet.
That night, JoJo pulled out her New Year’s Eve dress for a dinner with Derek by the river. Finally, she asks about his past. And thank God, because I’m dying to hear more about his love for Pam.
Before letting him finish his thought, JoJo starts to talk about her and Ben. We know your story, JoJo. How many times is she going to bring up Ben? Do we need to start drinking every time she says “Ben”?
Derek reveals he was cheated on, I think. I’m not sure. He’s speaking in the most vague language. He gets a rose. They kiss. Somewhere, Pam cries.
Second group date: “Prove your love to me. And the Nation.”
Chase, James S., and The Hipster weren’t invited to either group date. After expressing inevitable disappointment over this, Chad reminds them “you’ve lived your whole lives without JoJo” and “It’s not like she’s going to get on a flight to Malaysia and just disappear.”
Flight to Malaysia? Did he really just say that? Hashtag too soon?
Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, Chad got to go to Sports Nation headquarters in L.A. Someone remind Jordan he’s here for JoJo, not a JobJob.
JoJo claims she loves sports, and yet the only sports-related account she’s following on Twitter is Chandler Parsons, so like: “do you even like sports, is your name even Joelle?”
Trust me, I hate that I know that more than you do.
Sports Nation hosts Marcellus Wiley and Max Kellerman act as JoJo’s “surrogate brothers” and put the guys through tests before choosing their favorite three.
First test: Perform a victory touchdown dance. Honestly, you learn a lot about a man from a Victory dance. I was surprised to see Chad loosen up a little and not be too rugged, too manly, or too cool for a victory dance.
Ahh, spoke too soon.
In the second test, the guys were asked to spin around a baseball bat three times, and dizzily “propose to JoJo.” Yes, like actual fake-propose. How big does one’s head feel after getting proposed to six times, even though it’s all for fun, I need to know.
After the guys showered JoJo in love declarations during their proposals, all Chad had to offer was, “Will you marry me?” This, made worse by the fact that he had the audacity to call her “naggy” after she asked for more from him because she needs words of affirmation. #LoveLanguagesAreReal.
Surrogate brothers were not thrilled, and I can only imagine what her real brothers are thinking in this moment.
Chad thinks all the guys are on the show “as a game” because they were joking during the fake proposals. I cannot imagine Chad in real life. That can be a spin off show: Chad In Real Life. You’re welcome, ABC.
The third test is a faux press conference and a few things happen: James Taylor sings his answers, all the guys say they would want Chad to go home, and Chad gets a little too honest.
The hosts pressed Chad on his “naggy” comment. He gave a perfectly pre-rehearsed speech about how he can’t possibly love JoJo yet, so “why would he be fake like the other guys?”
Hey Chad, we all get where you’re coming from, but this is reality TV, and we don’t care. You don’t get a pass for being an asshole just because you’re being honest.
The hosts chose James F., Chad, and Alex as their favorites, first to last. Yes, Chad’s honesty earned him 2nd place.
Later on the group date night, James Taylor brings JoJo to tears after reading aloud a letter he wrote for her. I cry when I drink too much wine, too. They kiss.
Chad sits with JoJo and we learn something a little unsettling: His mom died six months ago. I’m sure he’s dealing with a lot of pain, but he definitely comes off as eerily composed and unfazed by it. I guess I just wish he would break down already. They kiss.
Proving JoJo really does need words of affirmation more than physical touch, James Taylor gets the group date rose.
Cocktail party & rose ceremony
I’m just really impressed with all the guys’ suits. Their girlfriends back at home did a really good job helping them pick these out (I’m looking at you, Brittany Farrar).
The cocktail party can basically be described as The Diary of Chad. The whole night is from the perspective of his ITM monologue and it’s fascinating how arrogant one man can possibly be and still be wanted by an intelligent female.
Chad infuriates the other guys before the cocktail party even starts, by meeting JoJo outside with wine, then walking her in. I guess I just don’t see why it’s that upsetting but Alex leads an intervention over it, trying to get down to the bottom of it. I’m definitely not trying to be team Chad, but sit down Alex.
Later, Chad tells JoJo that he thinks about her, and it’s the most flattering thing she’s heard this whole episode. Because apparently when a asshole mysterious man gives you a compliment, it means more.
Sorry, I’m not done talking about Chad. He’s eating a lot of meats from the free catered food table, and all of the guys are semi fat-shaming him in their ITMs. We’ve all been Chad in this moment.
All of the sudden, Chase and JoJo are alone and it’s fake snowing. Chase created a fake snowstorm, “bringing her a piece of his world,” from Colorado so that’s adorable. I snowboard too, Chase. Date me.
Without a hot tub, private jet, or tropical waterfall to entertain them, JoJo and Will take their stress out on the mansion by toilet papering it. Anxiety.
But back to Chad, because this is the Chad show.
Chad cuts in on Evan’s time with JoJo. Evan resents Chad. Evan confides to Alex. Alex feels two feet taller. Alex confronts Chad. “Cool bro’s” are thrown around and nothing is resolved. #ChadInRealLife
Rose ceremony time and warning: it’s pretty uneventful. Jake Pavelka didn’t show up with generic advice so what’s the point.
Here are the guys who got a rose: Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F, Nick, Vinny, Evan, Chad.
I repeat: Chad got a rose.
Will, James S. (super Bachelor fan), and Brandon (hipster) were sent home. R.I.P.
Did anyone else notice Chris Harrison was barely in this episode? Being secretly in love with JoJo is taking its toll.
Even his tweets sound depressed.
(Photos courtesty of ABC, Bustle.com)
