It’s a somber day in Dallas as the Ramos and Ewing families gather for Drew’s funeral. Afterwards Bobby extends his condolences to the mother of the departed, Carmen, who sneers that the Ewings have done enough already, and proceeds to let loose with a stream of Spanish invectives. Elena reveals why the usually-reserved housekeeper has suddenly flipped the script against her longtime employers: she shared the news with her mother that the Ewings are all conniving liars who have destroyed countless lives over the years. Armed with selections from the Ewing highlight reel—everything from swindling Carmen’s husband (and Elena and Drew’s father) out of oil-rich land to framing archenemy Cliff Barnes for J. R.’s murder—Elena demands restitution and gives Bobby by the end of the day to give in to her demands.
From there it descends into an open invitation to mess with Bobby for all involved. For his part in sending her father up the river to rot away in a Mexican prison, Pamela tells Bobby that she’s disappointed in him. John Ross doesn’t think Bobby’s up to the task of taking down Elena and Nicolas. His estranged wife Annie is upset that he didn’t confide in her, in order to prevent her from going over to the dark side where his brother J. R. made his mailing address. Sue Ellen tells him that he’s a crummy patriarch, and that his sainted mother Miss Ellie would be ashamed. All this is enough to bring our hero to a breaking point and he goes full-on Charles Foster Kane, trashing his office and smashing a photo of J. R. while Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt” plays.
Meanwhile, Emma Ryland meets with cartel capo and apparent Beach Boys fan Luis to cement their plans to put Harris back behind bars, and herself at the head of Ryland Transport. Harris’ inside contact alerts him to this plot, and Emma gets confronted by both her parents.
Sue Ellen goes to Bum’s sad sack motel room and gives him an earful about keeping the truth about J. R.’s death from her. She discovers that the schlub—an amateur painter wouldn’t ya know?—painted the portrait of his late liege and friend. They bond over an anecdote about J. R.’s eyebrows, and it’s all water under the bridge.
After Elena’s deadline comes and goes, Christopher tries to reason with her, telling her that he knows she’s not capable of all the malicious tactics against his family. It’s all Trevino and Cliff’s doing, and that he knows that Trevino isn’t who he claims to be. Bobby accedes to Elena’s demands, agreeing to backpay all the dough her pops would have made from the land had he kept it. He also gives her a copy of a full pardon for Cliff, but tells her that if she gives it to him then she’ll be reigniting the Ewing-Barnes feud and that whatever hell comes down will be on her head. Finally, he allows her a choice of any prized land from the Ewing holdings in return for the land of which J. R. conned her dad. Elena then goes to Pamela with the deed to the piece of earth that Jock Ewing screwed Digger Barnes out of during the Depression (which started this whole mess in the first place) along with Cliff’s pardon, leaving the choice to her.
John Ross finds out from Bub that Trevino sent the clip of his and Emma’s sexy time to Pamela. He goes to confront Nicolas and Elena. He lets Nicolas know just how she got J. R.’s letter (a fact she lied about to Trevino) and she begs forgiveness. He convinces her to run away with him to get away from the Ewings’ wickedness (or from the cartel, who are growing antsy with all this weird bolillo drama threatening to mess up their plans to take over Ewing Global).
As they leave Dallas under the cover of night, Chris shows Bobby a stack of letters that Elena had mailed to Chris back when they were teenagers. After discussing the relative dreaminess of Jordan Catalano (sorry, Krakow, nice guys do finish last), she mentions visiting her friend Joaquin down in Mexico. Interesting. Isn’t Nicolas Trevino from Mexico?
It’s the same logic that solves mysteries on Scooby Doo but, hey, Brainiac does have a point here.
For all of you who don’t read the credits, you may not have noticed that Bobby Ewing himself, Patrick Duffy, sat in the director’s chair. According to IMDb, P-Duff not only used to helm old-school Dallas eps from time-to-time, but was also the auteur that brought you the classic episode of Step By Step where Cody invents clothing … made from food! TGIF wasn’t exactly Masterpiece Theatre, folks. See y’all next week.
