Excerpt from promotional image for Dallas, Season 3. Courtesy of TNT.

Dallas Season 3 Midseason Premiere: Burn Southfork Burn

The drama returns with the family ranch in flames, and that's just the beginning of the Ewings' problems.

That smoke you smell off Parker Road ain’t your Uncle Billy Jeff in Sachse getting an early start on the Labor Day fixins—Southfork Ranch is on fire, y’all. Our intrepid heroes Bobby and Chris manage to pull Sue Ellen and sleazy ranch hand Bo’s inebriated (and thus highly flammable) selves from the flames. The Ewings are whisked away to the hospital and arrive just in time to see an overdosed Pamela, fresh from her wham-bam-Lorazepam with John Ross and Emma Ryland, brought in on a stretcher.

Pamela’s second suicide attempt—due to her philandering husband John Ross’ trysts with Emma—forces Annie to kick her daughter out of the house again. She also gets the boot from Junior, who thinks Emma sent the video of their gettings-on to Pamela’s phone. After placing a call to Two Men and a Truck (the girl ought to have them on speed dial by now), Emma gets picked up by Ma Ryland who can’t wait to snitch to Bobby about his wife’s unsolicited kiss by her evil ex, Harris. This runs Bobby hot, and he later tells Anne that they need time apart.

Sue Ellen tries to retrace how she spent the time before the fire to Bobby. Thanks to her binge-drinking and denial of her alcoholism, she’s fuzzy on the details. While fighting off the DTs in the hospital gift shop, the memories come flooding back. After valiantly resisting the urge to down a bottle of Aqua Velva, she reveals that she started the blaze after burning John Ross and Pamela’s wedding invitation. This news gets disgruntled foreman and avowed drinker of Ewing haterade Bo off the hook as the number-one suspect. He makes nice with Chris and gets to be a hero to his kid (turns out Bo was inside the house to save Sue Ellen), before finding out he has severe damage to his spine from a falling beam and probably will never walk again. Dallas is a harsh mistress, folks.

John Ross gets a stern talking-to by Uncle Bobby and decides to turn over a new leaf … again. Before saving cats from trees and the like, he visits Pamela in the hospital to repair their broken marriage. All the “Baby, I’m Sorrys” and Boyz II Men mix-tapes in the world wouldn’t save this ill-fated union and she sends him away. While in the hallway, Junior runs into Elena and tells her that Pamela’s OD was all Emma’s fault for sending her the video. Elena is shocked, because she knows who sent it after she refused: Nicolas Trevino. Elena fires off a call to his phone telling Nicolas that he’s just made the top of her S-list.

But Trevino can’t take the call because he’s occupied with the person who truly set the Southfork fire: Elena’s brother Drew. He has been captured by the Mexican drug cartel that’s secretly backing Trevino’s play to control Ewing Global. Nicolas tells Drew to cállate with that “revenge on the Ewings for killing my papi” BS, because it’s bad for business. Drew tells him that he knows that Trevino is using the Ramos vendetta as subterfuge for his own agenda: Nicolas is in the hole with the cartel and they are all pawns in some plan to take over the Mexican government. Trevino realizes that his foster brother will never stay quiet and gives the okay for the cartel goons to silence him, permanently.

And that’s what you need to know about last night’s episode, “Denial, Anger, and Acceptance.” Glad to be back for the second half of Dallas, Season Three and to share my gratitude with y’all, Uncle Terry’s gonna take everybody on a field trip. So, without further ado, It’s Mapsco time:

Forest Park Medical Center, 11990 North Central Expressway, Dallas

It’s where tonight’s Ewing family get-together was held. In terms of proximity, I don’t get why Sue Ellen and Co. were “rushed” here. Certainly Plano Baylor is a straight shot down Poppy Bush from Southfork, and if Pamela OD’d at the Downtown Omni, wouldn’t Baylor, Parkland or Presbyterian be quicker? Maybe Sue Ellen was lucid enough to sell the EMTs on Forest Park, with an eye on their wide selection of top-shelf alcohol substitutes. Aftershave? Really, girl?

See y’all next Tuesday morning.