In the Dallas winter finale, which is titled, “Where’s There’s Smoke,” Pamela Barnes Ewing, second of that name, discovers that where there’s smoke there’s … a frickin’ liar, as she opens her phone and finally discovers John Ross’ infidelities with Emma. This is courtesy of the video that Nicolas Trevino sent her last episode. She undergoes what psychiatrists or Batman fans call a psychotic break, but instead of slathering clown makeup across her face and starting a citywide crime spree, she simply sits by the bathtub in a catatonic state, and allows the bath to run over. This brings Sue Ellen and Annie to her side and the two let slip that they knew about Junior and Emma’s secret. Pam snaps out of it and then gives the girls the what-for. This is nothing next to the reaming Annie gets from Bobby, who demands that Emma grab her stuff and get to steppin’ back to her dad’s.
Meanwhile, John Ross finds out from Bum the truth about Candace and who she really works for. After a visit with Busty McHaltertop, he makes his way to the Ryland bordello, and confronts Mama Judith. Junior makes his play to the old harridan: if she gives Emma more power at Ryland Transport and keeps Harris off his back, he’ll stay mum about their prostitution ring. Junior leaves, unaware that Emma has been listening the whole time, in a specially-hidden passageway between the conservatory and billiard Room.
Christopher awakens with a renewed purpose, shaving off his season-long beard of sorrow and declares his intent to go to the next step with Heather; however, she tells him to slow his roll as she’s not ready to bring another man into her son Michael’s life. Not long after, crisis erupts as Heather’s ex, Bo, shows up at Mike’s school and leaves with the boy—without Heather’s permission. While Sheriff Derrick proves ineffective, Chris, Heather and Bobby (who is more than happy to leave that crazy female drama back at the ranch) are on the hunt and track the boy down to the Mesquite Rodeo. Thanks to Bo’s neckbearded brother they learn that Bo, inspired by liquid courage, went on a drunken rampage against five of Mesquite’s finest before escaping—but not before announcing that he is on his way back to deal with what he believes to be the true source of his misery, the Ewings of Southfork.
Bo’s going to have to take a number, however, as Drew Ramos shows up in the back seat of Nicolas’ car and tries to enlist his “brother’s” help in his mission of vengeance against the Ewing family. Nicolas preaches caution as he and Elena have their own thing going, but Drew does not take heed. After he disappears, Trevino calls his cartel partners to tighten the citywide dragnet on Drew. Later that night, Elena begins to show hesitance in her resolve and rethinks her own part in Trevino and Cliff Barnes’ plot. As she showers, Nicolas sneaks into her purse and pokes holes in her diaphragm with a needle. Guess that’s one suppository that isn’t d*ck-proof.
Annie, still smarting from Bobby’s admonishment, heads over to the Ryland manse to tell Harris that Emma’s back to being his problem. Harris invites her in for a drink and Annie accepts, as one does with the man who turned you into an addict, stole your child, and hid her away from you for twenty years. What could possibly go wrong? Harris puts his usual sleaziness on hold and is actually nice to her, even apologizing for the years of marital hell he put her through. When he steals a kiss from her, Annie comes to her senses and bounces but not before the camera pans up to Judith standing at an upstairs window- and she is not happy. Cue Psycho strings!
Pamela uses a phone tracker app to find out that John Ross is at the Omni. She sneaks into the room as Junior and Emma are getting it on. Things get pretty awkward as Emma discovers Pamela, weirder still as Emma’s wearing the green nightie. While Junior tries to stammer his way out, Pamela removes her overcoat to reveal … her own green negligee. She climbs onto the bed and starts making out with Emma, and motions for him to join in as well. John Ross begins to live out the craziest Dear Penthouse letter ever, doing the do with both his wife and mistress, and it’s all fun and games until Pamela starts to convulse and choke. Junior discovers the empty prescription bottle in her purse and frantically calls for help.
At Southfork, Sue Ellen is despondent after the day’s events and proceeds to decimate the liquor cabinet until she passes out. This makes her oblivious to a sinister presence in the house: Drew. He pours gasoline throughout the house and strikes a match. Bobby and Chris return as their home goes up in flames and race desperately through its halls, until the ceiling collapses on them and knocks them out cold. Is this the end for our heroes?
Guess we won’t know until August, because Monday brought an end to the Dallas’ abbreviated third season. Looks like TNT is opting for the Walking Dead route of programming, going half-sies for the first part of the year, and filling out the back order in the latter part. It was fun watching it with you guys and I hope y’all come on back later this summer. But before you head off for band camp, it’s Mapsco Time!
- Drew met his mami at the Farmers Market, located downtown at 1010 South Pearl.
- Bobby and Chris tried to capture the wild Bo in his natural habitat—Dallas-area drinking holes. One such bar was Lee Harvey’s located at 1807 Gould, a block away from Akard and Beaumont.
See y’all in the summer!
