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Television

Dallas Season 3, Episode 5: ‘D.T.R’

The family that blackmails together, stays together.
By Terry Linwood |
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The re-wedded John Ross Ewing IIIs return from their honeymoon with the bride eager to prove her worth in the boardroom. The groom is just ready to pick up on his quest to be the biggest douchebag in DFW. Step one: return to Southfork Ranch and throw his weight around his overworked crew when an unexpected mishap postpones drilling. Happy in his new big boy pants, he waves proudly to his disapproving Uncle Bobby—unaware that plans are underway that will cement his position as the Bill Buckner of TV villainy.

Sue Ellen meets with her political rival, Governor Sam McConaughey—presumably representing the all-right-all-right-wing of the party—on the steps of the State Capitol. Gifting him with a bottle of J. R. Ewing Select bourbon, she tries to enlist his help in firing railway commish/Junior’s stooge/furry-fetishist Stanley Babcock and installing a new candidate favorable to keeping Southfork frack-free. When Gov’nor Sam balks, she threatens to tell anyone who will listen about his cover-up of the Ewing oil rig explosion which will put a crimp in his 2016 presidential ambitions. McConaughey laughs it off and later meets with Stan, telling him that he’s protected as long as McConaughey gets to keep Babcock’s money in his coffers. The two politicos toast their budship over shots of bourbon—unaware that the bottle’s wooden stopper not only carries hints of vanilla, oak sweetness and a touch of orange, but an electronic bug. As Sue Ellen and Bobby gleefully listen to the conspiracy and illegal campaign contributions happening on the other end, Sue Ellen is reminded of something a great person, probably Kris Jenner, once said: a family that blackmails together, stays together.

Junior visits paramour Emma Ryland in her room at Southfork to get the leases that will allow Ewing Global to use Ryland icebreakers in their proposed Arctic enterprise. To keep Emma in his court, he gives her a necklace that he picked up in Mexico. Mom Annie sees the necklace and flips out. After Emma tries to give her mom some lip, Annie tells her to leave Southfork, but then has a change of heart when she remembers the threats that Harris’ cartel homies made against Emma. When Harris gets wind of Emma’s flight from the ranch he arranges a meeting with his CIA handler and asks to be cut loose. When the Company man tells Ryland that he can’t just leave the CIA (they were counting on his help at the bake sale next week), Harris threatens to turn over evidence that the agent’s been skimming dough to fund his own operations. Deuces, CIA!

Emma joins her grandma Judith to give her the dirt that Harris had been stockpiling against her (the whorehouse, the illicit business dealing, the two missing German kids that are hidden away in the gingerbread house) on the condition that Judith sign John Ross’ leases. Mama Ryland does so, but not before giving the ho-in-training some advice from a longtime madam: John Ross will never buy the cow as long as the milk is free. This is one of the many bon mots and life lessons available in her new book, Iceberg Prim: Portrait of a Pimpstress, available at your local bookstore. Later at Casa Ryland, when Judith harangues Harris to step up his plans to keep Junior and Emma apart, he tells her that he’s got secretary Candice on the case, statutory dress at the ready to catch whatever Ewing DNA comes her way.

Sorry, people. But this is an actual plot point.

Moving on—quickly!—Christopher goes on a date with Heather but the night ends early when she gets an emergency call from home. She initially rebuffs Chris’ offer to help, but then relents and reveals that she has a kid. Said kid comes, of course, with a deadbeat dad who is none other than Southfork drug dealer/Junior stooge Bo. Bo accuses Heather of sleeping with the boss (factually, actually) and Chris is about to lay him out like kitchen tile if not for the kid standing in the doorway. After Bo stomps off, Chris and kid bond over Transformers. Nerd moment: Chris’ childhood toy transformed into a motorcycle. This was likely Cy-Kill, the leader of the evil Renegade faction of Go-Bots, which were like the poseur lame version of Transformers. Chris, fortunately, is not dating me and Heather takes in the moment approvingly.

Speaking of evil factions, the Cliff Barnes Crew meet at the Juarez prison for milk and cookies. Nicolas and Elena have been thwarted in their attempts to reveal that the Ewings framed Cliff for J. R.’s murder, but get a major score when they get the state attorney to release the autopsy photos. The pictures reveal the existence of a strange incision on J. R.’s chest. Cliff gives Pamela a creepy phone call, but his daughter refuses to speak to him.

John Ross receives the newly-signed leases from Emma, who agrees to keep their relationship on the downlow and returns to the ranch. Junior doesn’t get the time to celebrate as bad news begins to come in on the television. Sam McConaughey calls a press conference to announce the resignation of Railroad Commissioner Stanley Babcock (whose duties conflict with time spent with his wife, kids and, um, pets) and the installation of the new commissioner. . .former state senator Bobby Ewing! Though a respected Texas awl-man, Bobby promises that all regulations (especially ones protecting gamefowl on a certain ranch) will be enforced.

Junior is furious. He swears vengeance against all who stand in his way, saving his worst bile in a phone message to his mom Sue Ellen for her part in his comeuppance. When she hears her baby boy’s fatwa, she takes a long pull of J.R. juice from her flask. . .

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So, folks, that was last night’s episode, entitled “D.T.R”, which Heather helpfully codified as “Define the Relationship” but I’m sure the more creative and juvenile minds among you can come up with more interesting entries. Perhaps the production team heard our whining about how they never take us anywhere, because we got to see another area site. It’s Mapsco time!

Junior and Pamela return from the honeymoon at Love Field, which is named for Lt. Moss Field, one of the earliest casualties in the age of flight. Love Field has been in continual use since 1917, which means we’ll have to go visit it at the home when it turns 100 in three years, where it will pinch our cheeks and pull a quarter from our ear. See y’all in seven for next week’s episode!

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