Where To Watch The 2014 Oscars In Dallas

Thank god for me.

The awards show that shall not be named, due to copyright weirdness, happens this Sunday. Here are some alternatives to the view from your couch.

Everyone, you remember Bjork and her swan, right?
Everyone, you remember Bjork and her swan, right?

If you’re just here for the bananas outfits (and the booze): 

Oscar Watch Party at J. Blacks, 6 p.m.

Oscar Bingo, free popcorn, and Champagne specials all night long.

The year I turned 26, I made 49 million dollars, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.”

If you’re rooting for American Hustle or The Wolf of Wall Street:

Oscars Viewing Party at The Second Floor, 6 p.m.

Sip Möet in the Second Floor’s private dining room while cheering on your favorite A-lister. Tickets are $86 per person, which for some of us would require an American Hustle-style con to pull off. Wear your fancy best.

Both of these movies seem like they would make me cry.
Both of these movies seem like they would make me cry.

If you’re rooting for Philomena or Nebraska:

 A Night of Hollywood Gold at Angelika Dallas, 6 p.m.

Justification for this association: Philomena involves the Irish-Catholic community, and there’s an Irish pub right next door. Nebraska is about a man who thinks he’s won big—the name of this event has the word ‘gold’ in it. (We know, it’s a bit of a stretch.) This free big-screen party, co-hosted by the USA Film Festival, has trivia and food courtesy of Jersey Mikes. The actual awards begin at 7 p.m.

Fingers crossed for 12 Years a Slave.
Fingers crossed for 12 Years a Slave. Sorry, super-skinny Jared Leto.

If you’re rooting for Dallas Buyers Club or 12 Years a Slave:

Movie Award Watch Party at Texas Theatre, 6 p.m.

First of all, what better place to cheer on a movie about a little-known part of Dallas history than the movie theater that played a role in the tragic event that put Dallas on the world’s map? Also, if you’re some sort of clairvoyant and pick the closest to a full slate of the night’s winners, you’ll win a VIP badge to the Oak Cliff Film Festival. Though we know it might not come to pass, 12 Years a Slave is our personal pick for Best Picture. But hey, that’s part of the game. Ballots are $3 and benefit the fest. The theater’s bar will have drink specials all night, and admission is free.

Theodore and OS Samantha.
Theodore and OS Samantha.

If you’re rooting for Her:

Oscar Night 2014 at the Modern Art Museum in Fort Worth, 6 p.m.

A futuristic yet seemingly not-so-far-off movie deserves our most gorgeously minimal museum. Dress as your favorite character from an Oscar contender and you could win a prize. Oh, you in those little high-waisted…pants.

Both of these situations would be terrifying.
Both of these situations would be terrifying.

If you’re rooting for Captain Phillips or Gravity:

Go to a bar and demand they tune all the TVs to the Oscars. It’s either now a hostage situation, or you’re drinking to assuage the fear brought on by this extraordinarily realistic depiction of being lost in space.