Last night’s episode of Big Rich Texas was pretty boring. The shenanigans begin with the ladies and daughters partaking in archery lessons. The scariest part? A lot of their shots were pretty close to the bulls’ eye. Remind me to stay away from Botox blondes with bow and arrows.
Noticeably absent are Leslie and Cindy, who happen to be in the country club dining room. Cindy has officially made her way into the club and all the drama the membership entails. In fact, she’s actually become quite the catalyst for drama, and they reflect about Cindy and Connie’s tiff at the Texas BBQ.
“I was just being friendly, that’s how I am,” she says. “Maybe Bonnie thought I was being over friendly.”
Um, yes, I think everyone can agree that when you started commenting on your friend’s husband’s hair it went into uncomfortable territory.
Over at the barn, Kalyn is shoveling poop in a shirt that opens to her navel. She is complaining to Maddie about all the hardships of life on the ranch, but, always the optimist, she has found a light at the end of the tunnel.
“There’s a bunch of hot cowboys running around,” Kalyn says. “It’s like a whole box of chocolates…. you want the whole damn box.”
Easy there, Forest Gump.
Kalyn and Maddie talk about Whitney and Kalyn, overly foreshadowing that “eventually, something bad is going to happen.” Dum dum dum… Cue the cowboy walking by with a hay bale and Kalyn is suddenly inspired to drop the gossip and return to work.
Meanwhile, Bonnie shows up to Whitney’s house and reminds us she has a PhD in physiology. I sometimes doubt her degree claims but then she starts rattling off definitions of nerves and axons and I am reminded why Bonnie is the best part of the show. Brains AND Botox. She’s a winner.
From the couch, she tells us she’s glad Whitney has taken the high road.
“I’m so proud of my little pumpkin for not causing a scene at the BBQ,” she says.
Wait; did we watch the same BBQ? Because I’m pretty sure Pocahontas Whitney flipped out on Kalyn and made a lame Free Willy comment.
Meanwhile, DeAynni takes Shaye to a volleyball game and takes it upon herself to be Alex’s personal (obnoxious) cheerleader. She cheers and runs into the sand encouraging Alex to “get low,” and even shows Alex how it’s done. I think the mental image of DeAynni dropping it to the floor will haunt my thoughts for a while, so that’s all we’re going to say about that.
DeAynni takes Alex home and calls Cindy out for not going to any of Alex’s games.
Cindy is obviously upset and tells DeAynni she just has too much going on.
“Girl, I’m busy,” she says.
Cindy, you had the time to buy 30 pairs of shoes last week, and you remember to fill your flask before each club get together. Don’t try to tell me you don’t have time for your only daughter’s sand volleyball game.
Evening comes and Leslie, Kalyn, Spencer and Tyler go to grab a bite. For some reason Leslie thinks she needs to ask her sons about how they feel about her moving in with Rip. They’re twenty-something year old boys, I doubt they’re going to give her a champagne toast and ask how much closet space she gets.
“It’s a little weird talking to the boys about Rip and my love life,” she says.
Then don’t.
Kalyn tells the camera that Spencer is really fun and hot. Kalyn, is there a guy you don’t think is hot?
She not so coyly tries to get Spencer to stay with a bat of her eyelashes while steam comes out of Tyler’s ears at the other end of the table. Next we find ourselves at a fancy dinner with Cindy, Maddie, and Alex. Maddie tells them that Kalyn got fired (some friend she is) and Cindy chimes in like supportive mothers do.
“Maybe she was shoveling a lot more than manure,” she says.
Cindy then goes on to lecture the girls about not dating until after college, and if they must do so, they must have standards.
“If they can’t afford to take you to nice restaurants and do the things you want to do, you don’t need to be dating them,” she says.
At that moment, a little part of me died realizing that these girls have no hope. Nothing like grooming gold diggers at the ripe age of 16.
Cindy asks Maddie how many piercings she has, and when she finds out she has five, it immediately leads her to ask Maddie if she’s had sex. Someone please explain that train of thought? I doubt Maddie will be taking them up on dinner offers in the future…
Cut to a double date between Booger and Whitney and Nikki and Adam, and Booger and Whit want them to play Wednesday night softball. Can you imagine Whit and Booger playing softball? That’s some reality TV I wouldn’t mind watching.
Adam reveals his reasons for not wanting to move in with Nikki, his girlfriend of a year.
“I think its important that she feels what it is to live on her own,” he says. Where did Nikki find this guy? He seems semi-normal.
He then goes onto say he will move in with a girl “when I find the one.” Dude, your girl friend is right next to you so you might not want to talk about your ongoing quest to find “the one.”
The next day by the pool, Nikki and Whitney talk about Kalyn getting fired for “hooking up with all the guys.”
“That’s something that young girls shouldn’t hear about…way to be a good role model Kalyn…what a slut,” Whitney says.
Yes, because calling someone a slut is a much better example for young girls.
Side note: WHY are these twenty-four year-old girls so concerned with an 18-year-old’s life? It’s a little sad.
The time for D’s party has arrived, and “paparazzi” (AKA hired photographers) line outside to take pictures of guests as they arrive. Inside, the party is off to a good start with Whitney and Connie doing the robot dance together on the bar. Cindy is keeping it simple sans glass and chugging wine straight from the bottle. Oh, and Bonnie and Whitney are dressed like members of the Village People.
Whitney calls Kalyn a slut, and the comment does not go unnoticed. Kalyn yells back asking Whitney what her problem is.
Whitney’s response?
“And I f*cking look good unlike your ass…. you wish you had this body,” she says.
Where does she even come up with this stuff?
But wait, Bonnie wants in on the action. She calls Kalyn out for going to get a hoo-ha piercing consult, and out of nowhere Whitney smashes a glass.
“B*tch, stay away from my boyfriend,” she yells as she throws out some Fight Club worthy moves.
Kalyn has had enough and goes straight for an ice bucket toss. Seriously, what is up with these women and tossing crystal?
The episode ends with Leslie dragging Kalyn and her boobs out of the party.
And I am left with two questions. Where was Connie in this episode? And is anyone else starting to feel like Cindy is becoming Pam 2.0? Scary thought.
