A bucolic, early morning at Southfork Ranch brings us to the doorstep of Elena’s cabin, where John Ross takes in a moment before starting day one of his newly inaugurated reign over Southfork in his daddy’s stead. Then it’s off to take care of the first agenda item, which is shoving his uncle Bobby’s nose in defeat.
Much beating of chests and showing of balls ensues, as Bobby warns that he is not to be taken lightly. This is interrupted by one of John Ross’ oil crewmen, who is sad to report that Harris Ryland’s trucks — which are to transport the oil that will be pumped from Kid Evil’s wells on the ranch — have been called off and are not to return. Annie’s visit with the boss, her ex, has paid off.
It turns out that Annie did this without her husband’s knowledge, and Bobby is irate, as his master plan of asking the crew nicely not to drill on his dead mama’s land was going sooo smoothly. Besides, Ryland apparently is a snake and will want his pound of flesh soon.
Tommy is sick and tired of Texas. He’s ready to move on and has spurred Rebecca to get cracking on finding more dirt in the reams of documents that he downloaded from Christopher’s computer. She says she hasn’t had any luck, but she manages to keep his attention away from a certain folder that she hides in her carrying bag.
Back at the ranch, Lil’ J. R. is having a sucky time on the phone trying to get trucking firms to replace Ryland’s contract (looks like Harris has North Texas on lock), and he’ll have to go with an out-ot-state firm. Not good, as he has promised Tony Almeida and the Venezuelans (remember them?) that the oil will be distributed by the end of the week. As he contemplates what will happen if Jack Bauer gets wind of this, Christopher barges in, wanting to know how John Ross is coming along with the screw-J.R.-over project that Chris gave him last week, but it appears that Fredo is good at screwing up only one assignment at a time.
Rebecca shows up at the ranch, and before she gets the bum’s rush from Christopher, she shares what she had hidden from her brother Spicoli. It’s a document from the 1940s, signed by Miss Ellie’s pop Aaron Southworth, which separates Southfork’s terrestrial rights from its mineral rights. What this means, kids, is that when J.R. and the del Sols wheedled the ranch away from Bobby, he bought the ranch and all the cow patties on top but not the black gold that flowed underneath. Though Rebecca puts on the doe eyes and offers her legal skills in finding out how to use this document to her in-laws’ advantage, Christopher’s not yet convinced. Before she gets in her car, she is shocked to find her nose bleeding harder than Tony Montana’s in Denver. She is found by Elena, who takes her to the hospital.
Bobby thinks that the deed to the mineral rights must be in a safe deposit box, so he enlists Chris to go through Paw Paw Southworth’s stuff that has been locked away in a storage shed on the ranch. The prospect of going through some old dead guy’s naked pics of Eleanor Roosevelt doesn’t sound like Chris’ idea of spending the morning, so he decides to make Bobby aware of his blackmail of John Ross via the sex tape. Of course, this doesn’t go over well with Saint Bobby, who chastises Christopher’s forays into the dark side.
Meat Loaf interrupts J.R.’s meeting with three lovely ladies in Vegas (in related news: stock in Viagra just shot up to a record high) to narc on John Ross’ laughably pathetic regency over his interests, but the old man takes it in stride. They then discuss J. R.’s true reason for a vacation. J.R.’s figured out Cliff Barnes’ motivation for being in Dallas and his sudden interest in Sue Ellen’s gubernatorial aspirations; Barnes is trying to bring legalized gambling to Texas. If his longtime nemesis is trying to get a leg up, then J. R. is gonna crack it in two like LT breaking Theismann’s on Monday Night Football.
John Ross receives a visit from Vicente the Venezuelan oil baron, who wants to know what’s the hold up on all the oil that J. R. promised would be flowing out of Southfork. Fredo is disturbed by the visit, which is threatening in a smooth South of the Border way (sure, Ricardo Montalban is all smiles when he asks you to sit on his fine Corinthian leather, but if you spill a margarita on it you will surely receive the Wrath of Khan). He manages to get a few more days to get everything back on track.
Junior then goes to visit his mom, Sue Ellen, to get her to apply political pressure to Harris Ryland. When Sue Ellen balks, he attempts to make her feel guilty for her less-than-stellar mothering and even insinuates that his life may be endangered by his business partners. He returns to his condo to smash his toys in an impotent fit, and “Marta” (a.k.a. Veronica) comes by for a visit. Despite the fact that she screwed him out of the Southfork deal with J.R., drugged him and recorded him having wild sex and just being all-around psycho, she still thinks there’s a chance to make it work; having skimmed money off of Vicente’s seed money to buy Southfork (really smart!) she invites John Ross to disappear with her. John Ross slams the door in her face. Hope he doesn’t have a pet bunny, because something tells me that Fluffy will end up in a stew pot soon.
Bobby and Chris, having found the key, track the safe deposit box to a Dallas bank. They discover the deed to the mineral rights. They then take out a match and light the paper on fire, maniacally whistling the “Theme from Bonanza,” drive back to Southfork, and take turns kicking John Ross’ butt up and down the South 40 … Oh, I’m sorry! This is Dallas! Let’s just put it in our pocket and return to the house, where it has a good chance of getting lost and possibly recovered by the person we are trying to outmaneuver. Get your facepalms here, folks.
John Ross and Elena return to her cabin, where the door has been broken from the lock. I guess there must be a bad termite problem at Southfork, because the two don’t bat an eyelash, and Elena goes to take a shower while Fredo fetches a beer (still got those facepalms!). He then discovers a picture of Elena and him with a butcher’s knife driven through the center. After getting some ranch hands to watch over the cabin, Junior goes to search for Veronica at her place but she’s in the wind.
In Vegas, J.R. has his meal of unicorn hearts and fairy wings (the villain’s breakfast of choice) interrupted by Cliff Barnes’ driver, who has received word that J. R. wants to crash Cliff’s high-stakes poker game, where the buy-in is $1 million. John Ross talks to Bum for advice on what to do with his crazy ex-girlfriend woes. After consulting his WWJRD? Bracelet, the creepoid henchman puts himself on the hunt for Veronica.
Annie receives a gift from Harris Ryland, a locket which causes her to fall to the floor in tears (“every kiss begins with K. . . “). Bobby shows up at Ryland’s offices, pimpslaps him and tells him to stay away from his wife. Later, Sue Ellen has a meeting with Ryland and dangles a place in her administration, as Railroad Commissioner, in front of him if he agrees to send his trucks back to Southfork. Thanks to Bobby’s ill-timed show of badassery, Agent Skinner takes her up on the offer and writes a hefty campaign donation to boot. John Ross’ celebration is short-lived as Bobby and Chris show up with the deed, proving that J.R. has no right to drill for the oil that belongs to Bobby.
Tommy, through his hack of Chris’ laptop, discovers Rebecca’s duplicity in giving the Ewings the mineral rights and is mad as hell, brah. Rebecca puts an end to their partnership and divulges some earth-shaking news: She’s pregnant! Oh man. . .
Time to get out your Mapscos, folks!
— Rebecca gets checked out at Baylor University Medical Center near downtown. Seems like Baylor in Plano would have been closer, but obviously Parkland wasn’t even a remote possibility. (Have you ever been to Parkland’s ER? She and Chris’ baby would be off to college before she would have even gotten to fill out the forms.)
— Rebecca comes to pick up her car from Southfork in a Cowboy Cab. That fare must have been killer.
— Rebecca and Tommy’s pad is at South Side on Lamar.
Did ya’ll notice any others?