I want to like GCB. It has a good cast and a decent premise—and I do think it’s gotten better as the season has progressed. I just wish the show could be a lot less sitcom and a little more soap opera. It needs some darkness. A sociopath returns home—destitute—after her husband is killed in a car wreck while receiving services from a mistress. That alone could make for some pretty dark and amazing story lines. But it never does. Last night, Amanda falls off the wagon and drinks tequila. She’s fine! The gang is kidnapped during a trip to Mexico. Someone could have died. The kidnapper was played by a lady from Roseanne. Even Juarez gets great treatment. As my sister texted: “‘Unincorporated Juarez’ looks really nice. We should live there.” Oh well. Let’s recap one final time.
The final episode, “Revelation,” is all about the best way to showcase cleavage. Oh, and some secrets are revealed and there are several references to Revelations . So it’s pertinent on every level.
Anyway, Carlene invites the gang to Mexico to witness the ground breaking for her Christian condo development. Sharon and husband Zach agree to go since they can also visit the factories that help supply her business, Losin’ It with Jesus. Heather agrees to go because she wants to buy a magical beauty potion. Cricket signs up when horse breeder Mason Massey begins to stalk her. (Carlene also needs Cricket’s plane for the trip.) Gigi volunteers to attend because she wants to shop for leather. Last, Pastor Tudor agrees to go and bless the land if the gang agrees to be back by 6 p.m. that very day.
Only Amanda opts out because she wants to surprise her boyfriend in Austin. Althoug they don’t show it, I have to assume that she flew there in her invisible jet. She certainly didn’t fly commercial. Here’s how we know: she flies to Austin, cabs it to Luke’s house, and has an encounter with the next-door neighbor who informs Amanda that Luke is a big fat liar who lies and is actually in Juarez. She then cabs it back to the airport, flies back to Dallas, and manages to catch the flight for Carlene’s trip.
Once the plane touches down in Unincorporated Juarez, Amanda and Gigi break away from the group to track down lying liar Luke. Are they concerned about any danger? Not really. “I have pesos, and I’m packing,” Gigi says. They arrive at the address given to them by Luke’s trusting neighbor and discover Carlene’s husband, Rip, hugging a young woman. Obviously, this kid is his daughter but Amanda assumes that it’s his mistress.
With that reveal out of the way, Gigi and Amanda race over to the landsite for Carlene’s Christian condos. The pastor says a prayer, Carlene makes a dent in the dirt with a golden shovel, Zach fields calls from someone who wants to buy Losin’ it with Jesus for $15 million, and Cricket tries to figure out how to market the magical beauty potion while Sharon fumes that it was her idea first. The girls pose for a photo and eventually pile into the limo—Pastor Tudor and Zach opt to take a different ride—to head back to town. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. Because they have been kidnapped by Sandra Bernhard.
Yes.
In theory, it’s not Sandra Bernhard. She’s playing Debbie Horowitz, a woman who claims to be a proud descendent of the Aztec nation. (“I’m one-eighth. It counts,” she says.) But really any time Sandra shows up in a show, she plays Sandra Bernhard. It’s not a bad thing—it’s just her thing. Anyway, today her mission is to put a stop to the Christian condos, so she’s brought the girls to a shack in the middle of the desert. She will release them on one condition: Carlene must sign over the deed to the land. Carlene of course is undeterred—she says she grew up wanting to be a martyr, and follows up with, “Let my people go.” The other girls are less steadfast and tell Sandra/Debbie that the proper paperwork hasn’t even been filed yet. With that nasty business taken care of, Sandra/Debbie cruises. “Buenos suerte getting anywhere soon,” she says before doing some material about Madonna and then performing a song. (Not really. I wish.)
And so the girls have to wander the desert in Monolos. They turn on one another. They drink tequila. (Even Amanda.) They set fires. And Amanda tells Carlene that her husband is seeing a young, tall drink of water. Carlene is obviously destroyed—Amanda has to carry the little woman for a spell.
Finally, the girls are rescued, and it’s time to wrap up all the loose ends. As mentioned, the mysterious young lady is Rip’s daughter. Zach sells Sharon’s company for $20 million while she’s a missing person. Amanda discovers she’s not over trust issues so she dumps Luke and kisses the Pastor Tudor—who also served in Fallujah, by the way. And Cricket’s husband is worried that he’s going to be outed by stalky stalker Mason Massey.
The end.
