In honor of Easter, ABC gifted us with two episodes of GCB. I guess they couldn’t get the rights to The Greatest Story Ever Told. Anyway, the episode—entitled “Turn the Other Cheek”—opens at Hillside Park Church during the reading. “But I say love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you,” Ripp recites. Although this is a sentiment the congregation presumably has been familiar with since Sunday School, it resonates with the room full of frenemies.
But first things first, the Cockburns are celebrating their 17th wedding anniversary with a Gone With the Wind theme. Sharon, serving as matron of honor, has planned the entire event. In fact, she has even invested in a “Melanie Wilkes” dress, which she tries on for the gang. Upon seeing her getup, a flustered Cricket notes, “This thing is worse than The Empire Strikes Back.” (I don’t really understand that quote—I LOVE The Empire Strikes Back—but it made me laugh.)
Carlene’s younger brother, Luke, apparently never, ever goes back to Austin ever. Carlene has named him as the best man for the big ceremony—and he would, of course, like to bring Amanda as his date. Carlene is not excited by the prospect and points out that tradition dictates that the best man accompany another member of the wedding party. When Luke threatens to sit out, Carlene demotes Sharon and names Amanda the new matron of honor. Sharon is very unhappy by this turn of events. “Civil War. I love it,” Cricket notes.
Sharon reluctantly hands over the large binder full of her plans for the big affair and tells Amanda that she hopes she’s ready to host the bridal luncheon that very day. The theme: His rod and staff—they comfort me. The problem? Amanda interprets this as something punny—a sex toy party. Unfortunately for her, Carlene actually does collect sacred statuary—a kind of Precious Moments for the religious set. So while other guests show up with statues of Jesus and Moses, Amanda shows up with something called “Jack the Ripper” that runs (aggressively) on batteries.
Determined to get it right during the “girls-only vacay,” Amanda gears up for the Bachelorette party. (No one ever mentions that all of these parties, gifts, etc., are really bad manners in the first place. It’s called an “anniversary party.” Do that or nothing at all. And really all your friends would prefer nothing at all.) Of course, Amanda shows up in a little black dress for a hunting trip. The rest of the girls are dressed in sexy camouflage paintsuits that showcase boobs and epaulettes. “Does this gun make me look fat?” Carlene asks before going out to “shoot us something tasty and serve it up at the reception.” Things go awry quickly—Amanda and Carlene get into a fight, and Amanda throws down her gun and shoots Carlene in the bottom.
Luckily, Carlene’s plastic surgeon makes house calls. He checks out her left cheek and provides her with crutches. And meds.”If Job had taken two of these, he wouldn’t have suffered,” her doctor says. Although the injury isn’t serious, Carlene is in a terrible mood. She’s stoned. She’s mad. And she doesn’t feel like accepting Amanda’s apology, which actually isn’t much of an apology. (Amanda basically says, Hey, sorry about shooting you—but is this the really worst thing that’s happened in 17 years? What about that time your loser brother got stoned and lost your marriage license all those years ago? SURPRISE! Carlene has no idea about any of that.) After Amanda leaves, Carlene quotes Ms. O’Hara, “She’s a pale-faced, mealy-mouthed ninny. I hate her.” And I would, too, if someone shot me in the bottom, threw mud on me, and seemed to ruin everything at every turn.
Anyway, after a fight with Luke and a talk with Gigi, Amanda decides to apologize once more for shooting Carlene. She arrives with Madonna’s least favorite flowers, hydrangeas. (“Cheney was no help,” she says.) Carlene is in no mood—she feels like her marriage has been a fraud and she wants everything from the day destroyed. Amanda takes possession of it all—the dress, the guest book, the box of cake—and after a nasty fall, she finds the missing birth certificate. Yay! She rushes to the courthouse to do some emergency filing, and runs into an unexpected problem. The clerk is a former classmate whom she humiliated back in the day. She invited him to skinny dip and once he was naked, she ran away and had her boyfriend steal his clothes. The clerk is not interested in turning the other cheek.
“Please, I’ll do anything,” she asks.
Lucky for her, the clerk is a perv. “Show me your tatas. Your boobies,” he says. “Never got to see them in the pool.”
Amanda flashes him and saves the day.
Can we just talk for a minute about how progressive Hillside Church is? I mean, it’s not every church that would allow people to dress like Confederate soldiers and play the theme from Gone With the Wind in lieu of Mendelssohn’s Wedding March. And Carlene is more progressive than we originally thought, too. When Luke explains how Amanda saved the day, she says, “At least you’re using your boobies for good and not for evil. This time.”
Anyway, the ceremony happens. In other news, Sharon is reinstated as maid of honor. Cricket and her closeted husband consider having another baby. Uncle Burl proposes to Gigi. Heather is back in the good graces of the mean girls. And Tom Everett Scott is a missing person.
Next!
